Two Steps Forward...

 And one step back. That's how the old saying goes, right? Or is it one step forward and two steps back? Or maybe, the farther ahead I get, the farther behind I fall?

That last is the sentence I've expressed to my husband most frequently the past couple of months. I'm not sure why I thought changing to a local driving job would make my life easier, because I sure was wrong. When we were being recruited, we were told that most of the runs would be 10-11 hours or less, and in the beginning they were. But as the company has been growing and adding runs, more and more we're being stuck with runs that come close to running our 14-hour clock out.

For those who don't know, a truck driver has two clocks they need to be mindful of during their day. A 14-hour clock, which is the amount of time we can be On Duty - from the time we 'clock in' to the time we 'clock out' for the day. During that time period, we can only drive on the roads for 11-hours, the other clock we have to be aware of. Driving on customer properties don't count against the 11-hour clock if we remember to change the status on our log. A local driver can utilize a 3rd clock once a week if needed, and that would be a 16-hour clock - which only adds to how long we can be considered on the clock, but not to how many hours we can drive. Twice now I've been pushed into using that 16-hour clock, and both times due to circumstances beyond my control I was illegal. One day was almost 17 hours long, so I took the next day off.

Honestly, I was doing fair before that first 16 hour day. I say fair because I've been struggling with torn cartilage in one of my knees since before that.  I get a cortisone shot this afternoon to tide me over until my crappy health insurance can get around to authorizing a different shot treatment. "Fair" may be a slight exaggeration, but even though I was in pain I still had energy and wanted to do things. Ever since that first too long day, I've been plagued with low energy. It may have more to do with the pain in my knee, but for whatever reason I connect the fatigue to that day.

I've been struggling with writing, formatting, and remembering things. I'm still not sure what I wanted to talk to Mr. Janney a few days ago, but hopefully it wasn't anything important. That could be brain fog, but who knows?

My endocrinologist has been changing and adjusting my meds, so it's possible that none of this has anything to do with work - or not as much. Because let's be honest, the hours they work truck drivers are a bit insane. But anyways, the Endo added a thyroid med, changed one of the shots I take for my diabetes and when that failed to do as good of a job, she added another. I legit have a string of alarms in my phone to remind me when to take my meds...and I still forget the shots once in a while. I am one hot mess!

But I keep plugging away. I have no choice! Life keeps demanding my attention.

That's enough venting for today. I've been quiet online recently because no one likes a whiner, even when the whiner has legit reasons for their whining. But I refuse to sugarcoat things online because I believe in being 'real' online. Bites me in the butt sometimes, but hey - that's life, right? I don't believe in sharing everything, but when I do share I want it to be honest. As honest as I can be when I self-edit my language and eliminate all the 'lols' I want to add...lol!

If you're reading this, then I've decided to hit publish. I'm not sure yet, especially since at this point I don't have any photos thrown in to catch the eye and break up the reading blocks. Pictures are always so much work to add in because for some darn reason they mess up the formatting and I have to work harder to fix it...which, if you're reading this, I gave up and the goofy formatting errors around the Shutterstock photos will just add to the charm today!

Stay safe, my peeps.

Life Without Dog

She's always by my side here.

My intention was to write about the last few weeks we had with our dog Jaclyn before we had to put her down. I've tried, I have a post mostly written. And I just can't finish it. Maybe I will someday and post it. I don't know yet. I just know that like in life, I need to start moving forward here on my blog just as I have been doing in my daily life.

And let me tell you, that has not been an easy process. Even almost 5 months later, there are days when the loss is as fresh as the morning dew.

The initial depression was almost crippling. I had no choice but to continue to get out of bed, out of the sleeper berth back then, and go to work. Sleeping was harder than usual. Breathing was harder than usual. Trying to write was harder than usual, especially given that one of my secondary characters is a dog. Okay, an angelic being in canine form, but still.

I even messaged my doctor asking about how long I should wait before I should be concerned about the depression. She told me not to be, really. That there is no set time limit to grieving and to grieve for my dog just as I would a human being. Which for me, is remembering her and talking about her.

Which honestly is easier in the privacy of my own home, because there are people out there who would be like 'get over it, it's just a dog'. But, she was MY dog. In so many ways, she was the center of my world. I had to get up because she had to be walked. Even out on the road, I walked her more than Mr. Janney. I had to budget in the price of her food, her bed, her toys. I had to be mindful of her water dish, her food dish, her bathroom needs, cleaning up after her if I didn't catch those bathroom needs in time. She was never very good at actually asking to go outside. Probably because I often just took her outside to go every so often, which was easier at home than on the road. But where ever, if she was asking to go out - her need was great and one of us had better be taking her out...NOW!!

You can see one of the things I have done to help myself remember her in the photo at the top of the post. I've set up a little area on my desk for her remains, a few of her toys, a picture I rotate out every so often from the photo album I've started putting together for her. I have a bazillion photos in digital form, and have started having them printed off a few at a time. I'll sit at my laptop with Google Photos open and flip through the album to see which ones I haven't gotten yet. It no longer hurts as much as it did in the beginning, and has become almost a joyful project. I'll look at some of the pictures and laugh aloud at the funny memory connected to it.

I almost retold the stories from my previous post! I'm glad I looked back and discovered this or you would have read about the time she was honking the rig horn again! Instead, I scrolled through Google Photos to find another story to tell.

It's not a long story, but the photo above shows a time when she was frantically pawing at the bottom of our hutch. I sat in my recliner, watching in amusement and wondering what she was doing. No doubt I even asked her. I don't know why I didn't get down and look, perhaps I was afraid it was a mouse she was after. But no, when Mr. Janney looked at a later time, it turned out her tennis ball had been lost underneath it! We hadn't been playing at the time, so I'm not sure how it got under there.

My photo album project has expanded to include photos of humans too. I put them in a separate album though. A recent picnic my family held inspired me to make sure I label my photos too. Who's in them and the like. I had asked my sister to find some older photos of our mother since the picnic was in her honor, celebrating her 75th birthday early and honoring what would have been her 50th wedding anniversary. Well, since she's never remarried I guess it IS her 50th wedding anniversary regardless of dad passing on back in 1995. Any way, the end result of my request was that entire photo albums were brought! And one of the remarks someone made that day was how not all the pictures were labeled, older black and white photos especially. I was so inspired by this that I went through an entire album I'd already put together of my wedding reception picnic and labeled the backsides of every single picture. That was a late night well spent!

It has also expanded to hanging photos I've taken around the house. I ordered this canvas print of Mt. Shasta without really knowing where I was going to hang it. We recently rearranged our bedroom due to a new bed and I found the spot to hang it. It looks a little lonely, but I'm not sure if I'm going to print off more of my mountain range pictures to hang around it or do random photos from out on the road.

It's just not enough for me to have the photos only on my phone anymore. I have this need to have more visible reminders of happier times. The photo of Mt Shasta in California was taken on a very windy day back in March from the rest area where I had decided to park to wait it out. It was so windy, that when I walked Jaclyn the force of the wind surprised her so much she staggered, and when walking back to the rig after doing her business those adorable ears of hers where blown straight back - I'm afraid if her ears had been any wider, she'd have take off! Even pictures she's not in include memories of her.

Alright, this post has gone on long enough. I have other things I need to get done today, though I promise to post again sooner rather than later. Until next time, stay safe and be well.

The Unplanned Pet

This is my 3rd 4th attempt to write about the loss of my pet. Part One: The unplanned pet.

Do you believe in love at first sight? I do. I've never experienced it with a human, but I have experienced it with pets. I could list them all off for you, but that's maybe for another time. This little series is going to be about my previous dog, Jaclyn.

The tale that never slowed down

11 years ago this summer, my husband (who was still a boyfriend then) and I were at  friend's new place. I don't remember all the details of who else was there that day aside from her brother and  his family, just mostly remember that the kids were all racing around with dogs and at least one new puppy.

This puppy, an adorable little girl with a brown patch over her left eye (among other places), happened to draw near to me and I picked her up. She was this tiny little thing and I cradled her in one arm like a baby.

We looked at each other, and fell in love. Of course, puppies love everyone. But something in my heart caught and I gave Mr. Janney a look that was quite clearly pleading. It drew some teasing from our friends. But she was a new puppy to the family and not available for taking home. I put her down so she could resume her play with the kids and that was that.

Some people have unplanned pregnancies. I did not. What I ended I having was an unplanned pet.

I'm not sure exactly how long after this meeting it happened. It's been over a decade and details fade with time. Some details anyway. Mr. Janney and I were working at different places, on different shifts. I came home one night after work, in the wee hours of the morning, to find a puppy in a crate! It wasn't just any puppy, but the aforementioned puppy I had already fallen in love with.

There was a note from my husband, telling me when she'd been walked and fed last. I was surprised, to say the least. To this day I'm still not 100% certain how it happened. A case of Mr. Janney being in the right place at the right time I guess. The family had decided to rehome the puppy and he was there at the time of the discussion and said we'd take her.

Thus the adventure began. And adventure it was as you can witness in the photo of her jumping a child-gate in the photo posted just below. This was in April of 2011 so she was almost a year old.

Gate jumping at my mother's

Naming her took us a little time. I'm not sure what name she had with her previous family, but either we didn't like it or we didn't think it fit her. I made a random comment how the spot covering her eye made her look like a pirate and I wished we could name her Jack after Captain Jack Sparrow of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.

Had Mr. Janney not spoken about the issue with a co-worker and friend named Jacqueline, our dog most likely would have ended up with the unimaginative name of Spot. Or Bessie, because her markings also reminded me of dairy cows. Something sparked in my husband during that conversation and he realized we could name our dog a feminine version of the name Jack. I probably changed the spelling the way I did to more accurately represent the Jack part and how it should be pronounced. Which apparently gave some relatives problems and she was often called Jackie by them...which was no small amount of confusion since our friend also went by the same nickname. I often had to ask them to specify which "Jackie" they were referring to!

Her: "You were gone for sooooo long!!!!!"
Me: "I was only out in the yard for like, ten minutes."

I often wondered over the ten years we had her, if naming her after an eccentric pirate had been the right thing to do. She often wound up in some interesting predicaments. In the early years, we confined her to a crate when we weren't home. And we came home to this sight more than once when she was young.

If you look behind the crate, you can see a brown ottoman. Which is what we kept her cage on for a short time when she was a puppy. I think I was having back pain at the time and Mr. Janney's motivation for keeping her up there was to limit bending over too far. Needless to say, this arrangement did not last long after this incident. She was always a bundle of an enormous amount of energy, probably the Beagle and the Boxer in her blood. She deserved more than the small yard we have at the trailer court. There were times we took her up to my in-laws property and let her run around. A bath was always needed afterward because she inevitably found mud. Although - she was just as good at finding mud in our small yard the few times we tied her out.

2012

She was a happy dog, clean or dirty. I'm not even sure where she found the mud this day, but she certainly enjoyed herself! She didn't enjoy the bath that followed, but then she never did enjoy baths. She preferred getting wet on her own terms, I have videos of her tromping around in a stream up to my in-laws. She was certainly enjoying the freedom that day. If I decide to post the videos to YouTube, I'll be sure to share them.

Look at that smile!

Jaclyn also loved snow. The fruitcake! That was a trait she shared with my husband and not me. The deeper the snow was, the happier she was. I was never able to get her to play 'catch' with snowballs like I did with another dog Little Bear. Different dogs, different games. Jaclyn just loved plowing through the snow.

She loved playing fetch, tug of war, and chasing a laser light. She learned all the simple commands, sit and shake paws were her two best. She had a little trouble with 'stay' because she had 'ants in her pants' and had a hard time sitting still. She was learning how to sit with a treat on her nose, I never made her wait too long.

Taken just before the horn blowing incident
I wonder if she was planning it even then?
She looks like she was planning something!

Jaclyn just wanted to be where we were. When we made the transition just over 2 years ago from factory jobs to trucking, we always planned on taking her with us on the truck. I think she made the transition to over the road travel better than I did! She didn't like being left in the truck alone, which we had to do sometimes like when we showered or ate at a restaurant. There was one time when we were at one of our terminals early on when we were in showering and one of our cellphones rang. It was the Safety Department letting us know that Jaclyn was blowing the horn of our truck and 'Is she okay? She's not too hot?' "No, we left the truck running with the air on and she's just upset because we left her alone. We're in the shower right now and we'll be out shortly." We didn't drag our feet, but we were literally ready to step into the shower when the call came. Neither of us felt it was necessary to stop what we were doing to go tie her up. Needless to say, they called us twice more before we were done. After that, we had to tie her up when we both left the truck. As funny as we found it, we couldn't risk her doing that somewhere else.

Waiting for Mr. Janney's attention
His legs are to the right
The legs to the left are Mom Janney's

We had to put Jaclyn down at the beginning of this month, and it's still feels odd to be speaking of her in the past tense. It's salt to the wound. It's a twisting of the knife stabbed in our hearts. I know eventually we will adjust to life without her, but it's not just yet. Mr. Janney has said that she was more my dog than his, because I did the bulk of the caretaking and playing, but he follows it up with - 'She was always there. Whenever I looked down to the end of the bunk, there she was.' We did have different relationships with her, but we both bonded with her. Because now she's not there when we look, and we both miss her.

I have to stop now. I'll write more about her another time. Currently Mr. Janney and I are sitting in a motel room in Toledo waiting out the weekend for our rig to be fixed. "We know what's wrong with your truck, but we don't have the part right now." Trucking life!

A Post About Dishwashers

This post is my mom's idea. Moms have good ideas, don't you think?

Not my sink...stole this pic from the internet...

Some time ago, I shared a common meme on Facebook about washing dishing by hands and how I felt that the meme is kind of shaming those of us who use dishwashers.

Boy, did that open a can of worms.

Which is what led my mother to suggest I write a post about the pros and cons of each method of washing dishes.

Dish washing has always been my bane. For many reasons. And when I say always, I mean for as long as I can remember. It was the source of many wars growing up. No one wanted to do the dishes. As the oldest, it was usually me who was assigned to do them on Friday nights. Something I didn't think was fair, but then the oldest always gets the shitty end of the chores in my opinion.

The 'free' dishwasher turned
into a major
remodeling project

So, one Con for handwashing for me is: Sinks are never at the right height. I've always had to deal with lower back pain while doing the dishes by hand. Which is why when I saw a friend offering a free dishwasher on Facebook I jumped at it. More about that later.

To balance that with a Pro, when I was having trouble with my hands due to trigger finger and carpal tunnel, the warm water did feel good. I had trouble washing some of the heavier dishes though, so it wasn't always beneficial.

I just can never keep up with the dishes. One of the comments I ran into with my Facebook post was that this person didn't dirty enough dishes during a day to justify using a dishwasher. That is something that has never been true in my household, so I have a hard time wrapping my head around it. You'd think I'd have the same issue since it's just the two of us, but even when it was just me I never seemed to have a small amount of dishes.

I mean, a coffee cup in the morning for the obvious. A frying pan for eggs, and then a plate and fork. A knife if I had toast and buttered it. If I'm home for lunch, another plate and fork or knife or spoon. Same for dinner. Probably another frying pan, or pot. I'm not one to reuse a drinking glass if I'm drinking different liquids. Double the plates, silverware, cups for another person.

We had to do the entire counter. and cupboard area...
I knew we had water damage down there, but
it was worse than we'd realized so it all had to be done anyway

It all tended to worsen the depression I deal with. Especially since I'm the only one around to do the dishes. My husband refuses to help - either because it hurts his lower back to or because he views it as women's work. Insert eyeball roll here. At least he was willing to do the work to put it in for me since carpentry is one of his strengths.

I think that's the biggest pro for a dishwasher I can think of. All I have to do is put the dishes in, some soap, push buttons and the machine does the work I hate. I can be reading or writing while the dishes are being done. Far quicker and cleaner than I'd ever be able to get them done.

Which is another comment on the Facebook post that irritated me. A person used the reasoning that they preferred their dishes to be clean, implying that a dishwasher wasn't able to do so - and also implying that I don't want clean dishes. They'd deny that, but just by using that as a Con for a dishwasher, is in fact implying that very thing. Especially when they felt the need to write that in two different comments.

I did have some problems with dishes not coming out clean in the beginning. But I learned the things I needed to do to ensure cleaner dishes than I can do by hand. I tend to rush the dishes since it pains me, so I miss stuff. And the dishwasher uses hotter water than my hands can stand, so I feel better about germs and stuff. For myself, using a brand name detergent is a must as the dishes come out cleaner. And if I've let something sit too long - or I've overcooked something (burned), I try to soak it before putting it in the dishwasher. I rarely have a dish come through the cycle still dirty anymore.

There are some things that can't go in the dishwasher. My wooden spoons for example. My stoneware. But anything that is dishwasher safe and fits, goes in. Even if I have to run the dishwasher more than once in a day. I can understand people not wanting to do that if they have to pay a water bill, but I've found that I often have to refresh the water in the sink to keep it warm so I don't see much of a difference there. These newer stainless steel sinks just don't hold the heat in like the old porcelain sinks did. 

Having a dishwasher is a weight off my shoulders. I am forever grateful to the friend I got it from. It has saved my life in more ways than I can count.

Beautiful! It's still open like that, so it's not 100% done
But it's on our list of things to do

And of course, I am forever grateful to my husband for doing the work to put it in, even if I occasionally grumble that it'd be nice if he could at least empty it once in a while. Still, the chore I get stuck with all the freaking time is a million million times easier than what it was.

You know what you don't ever see as a meme on Facebook? "I still wash my clothes by hand and I'm not ashamed to say so." It's the same concept! You might see something about drying clothes outside on the line versus an electric dryer. If I had the lines outside to dry clothes, I'd probably do that during the summer...if it wasn't raining. Our dryer heats the trailer up something fierce during the summer and our air conditioners can't compete. But I wouldn't trade my dryer for outside clotheslines.

Everyone has different preferences. No one way is better than the other. I don't care how you argue it, it's the truth. Washing dishes by hand isn't better than using a dishwasher just because it's how you prefer to do things; and vice versa.

I wish we could stop comparing things like this. Preferences, I mean. Using a dishwasher, or dryer, or any modern convenience, isn't a thing to be ashamed of. And yes, I think meme's like the one I shared is borderline shaming people for not washing dishes by hand. Maybe I'm overreacting because dishes is a hot button for me, but I can guarantee you I'm not the only one who reads that meme in the same way.

It's just Facebook, you say? It doesn't matter? Debatable. But that's probably another post entirely, debating about the impact of social media in our lives. I may or may not write it. I'm sure I'll find something more interesting to write about.

Like Dr. Who and the case of mistaken identity perhaps? No doubt it'd be a lighter subject, and certain to be amusing, Until I took off on a bunny trail and got onto something like a Weeping Angel tree topper and how I'd never be able to have one.

Until next time, stay safe.

The Thing About Depression

The thing about depression is: it's different for everyone. And yet, the same.

I recently said to someone, "I don't know why, but I'm really struggling with depression right now." His reply, "Why?"

My internal scream echoed in the heavens. Ok, that's a bit dramatic, but I wasn't impressed. It was asked in dead seriousness too, it wasn't a joke. Coming from Mr. Janney, it could have been a joke. Kind of like the lame, "huh?" we toss back and forth when we joke about not being able to hear something. But it wasn't. I love him, but he's not always the most...sensitive.

Why am I depressed? Damned if I know. It's not like depression announces itself and says, "I'm here for a visit, hope you don't mind but you've been far too happy recently."

My precious

It may be chemical. Something is off with my meds or my diet or the lack of exercise that comes with the job. On strictly driving days, I can log over 600 miles even with my bathroom breaks. That's a lot of sitting in one position!

It may be circumstantial. The stress of the pandemic even though it effects me differently than others (my job means I don't get a lot of time at home even in the best of times!) The stress of the winter weather we've had to deal with so far. The stress of not being able to write recently - which is a symptom of depression for me, which only makes the depression worse. The stress of: this, that, and everything in between!

It may be the time change. Or Seasonal Affective Disorder. It may be a combination of everything!

When I'm depressed, I watch a lot of television and movies. Especially ones that don't require a lot of thinking, namely reruns. When at home, I'll binge watch whatever is on...Criminal Minds, NCIS, Star Trek. There's less stress knowing what's coming ahead of time. 

Beautiful...
But that fog is thick enough to hide a mountain

M*A*S*H always makes me feel - makes me laugh and makes me cry. Sometimes both in the same episode.

Part of me is frustrated because I know Mr. Janney has had his own struggles with depression. But like I said in the beginning, no matter how alike it is, it is different for each of us.

When I was discussing this with one of my doctors, she pointed out that not only is depression different from person to person, but depressive episodes for an individual can vary each time. I was complaining to her how frustrated I was because it's not like this is the first time I've ever had a major depressive episode. She encouraged me to do exactly this, write things down in my blog, even if I don't publish it.

Just writing this releases something in me. Heck, even the last post I did and working on the next one I have scheduled was enough to crack the sorrow in me. Although I am cynical enough to wonder how long it will last. I've already swung up and down a couple times during this home time. I'm not even sure if I'll post this (if you're reading this, I decided to and was too lazy to take this sentence out).

I also sleep a lot when I'm depressed. A common enough ailment. But hey, I'm on home time and there's no where to go so why not? And I'm making up for all that lost sleep from being on the road. America really needs to fix their roads!

All that to say I'm wrapping this up and heading to bed. I'll even light my candles for a few minutes because they make me happy. Even though they make me sneeze too.

Peace!

p.s. - playing around with different fonts. thoughts on this one? I've also changed the color scheme. thoughts?

is anyone out there? lol

Stuck in Neutral

I feel stuck in neutral.

Unable to move forward

Pressing down on the gas pedal does no good...

And why should it? I'm running on empty.

I am draped in darkness.

Wrapped in blinding light.

Feeling my way blindly either way.

I feel shrouded in a cloud.

A cold, damp cloud. A heavy, humid cloud.

Pressed to the ground, unable to breathe.

Though I am surrounded by beauty

My heart feels withered, dry and brittle

Comforted by nothing.

Though I am surrounded by love,

Friends and Family and Man's best friend,

I feel bereft of love. Empty and hollow.

Though I wonder how I can feel anything at all, numb as I am.

Apathy and anger coexist, though I do not know how.

Tomorrow brings another day, bright with hope and possibilities,

But already I want to sleep it away.

The Difficulties of Being Me

Not feeling like smiling, and don't you dare tell me to!!

Depression is weighing heavily on me today, so much so that I'm not going to publish this post on Sunday because I don't want to bring anyone else down on Mother's Day. I'll let it go live Monday.

So much inside of me wants to call it quits. Not life...the truck driving. Not the actual driving...I like that part. It's just that I have had to deal with so much BS from the two trainers I've been assigned, that I'm seriously questioning my sanity.

Yes, two trainers. And I'm not through training yet, so I'll have to deal with a third.

The first separation was a failure to communicate, on all parties all the way around - myself included. She was giving me the same instruction over and over again in an empty Walmart parking lot and refused to clarify when I asked for clearer instruction - I even gave her examples of what I was looking for. She was most likely just over-tired, but she was not budging on the instructions, so I behaved very passive-aggressively which only made matters worse. It was enough to prompt her to kick me out of the driver's seat and tell me I was done.

Done? Done how? It sounded final. Especially since she didn't let me drive at all the next morning...she didn't even ask me if I wanted to use the restroom before she took off for the day! This was a dedicated route which meant I had weekends off, and once I was deposited in the hotel I called the student department. I was advised to take the weekend to de-stress and think things over, to try and work it out with the trainer on Monday. Which I did. But somebody somewhere, I'm not sure who, decided to end the assignment and I found myself back at the Allentown Terminal on Tuesday.

Maybe she had talked to someone as well? Don't know, it's over and done. There was no point in asking anyone higher up to change their minds, because she had already been assigned a new student before I was ever told my assignment with her had ended.

I waited in the hotel/Terminal for almost two weeks before I was assigned a new trainer. It's hard for this company to get female drivers trained because there are more of us waiting to be trained than there are qualified trainers. Not every female trainer is willing to train another female, and not all male trainers have done the necessary steps to be a co-ed trainer.

It happened very fast. I didn't even get the notification in my app, she just called me. Ever doubtful, I called the Terminal and verified it with them. They explained the situation and I packed my crap together as quickly as possible. Even though I sent much back home with my sister, I still have 'too much' stuff - it's not my fault that I have to cart around a C-Pap machine and medicines and pillows and...I can't weed anything else out!

Anyway, it started out pleasant enough. There were a few red flags, but presented with the opportunity to be through training in two weeks I decided to "grin and bear it". I will not go into everything that happened, but I'm 99% certain I was gaslighted. I know I'm not perfect and can get snappy when I'm tired, but I had every right to react the way I did to the things she did to me the last day with her as my trainer...not counting the trip back to the Terminal, which held its own set of psychological abuse.

Hoping this wasn't all for nothing...

I am blessed with a good support system, but I am so far removed from them all that I feel isolated and abandoned. Even knowing that I am neither of those things. My husband is encouraging and supportive, as is my mother. One of the men responsible for my training at the school we attended continues to be a calm voice in my present turmoil, even though he's no longer required to be.

The last I talked with my husband, when he called me just after midnight to get tech support for wi-fi at the truck stop he was at, he was in Indiana. In actual time, it's been perhaps two weeks since I've seen him. In my present emotional state, it feels like a lifetime. We have a normal relationship - we love each other, fight with each other, annoy each other, disappoint each other, and still wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Even when he calls at midnight, waking me from a pretty solid sleep and Iron Man dream, taking his frustrations out on me - he then reminds me why I love him by apologizing and sending me back to bed. This work separation is trying for  both of us and we're ready for it to be over.

I do not know what Monday holds for me at the Terminal, and I'm somewhat dreading it. I've been made out to be the malcontent in this event, and somehow I have to convince them I'm not. That I wasn't. But no matter what, I'll face it like an adult and do my best to go with the flow.

And I'm not going to give up, no matter how I feel right now. I have fought too hard to get this far to give up now. Did I struggle getting my license? Yes, but I learned from every one of those mistakes and didn't make them again. I've been learning new things every step of the way. I'm stronger than the emotions of this moment.

Whatever it takes.

just in case you didn't get the reference... ;)

Hurry Up and Wait

It doesn't matter what job I've work at, "Hurry up and wait..." has been a recurring theme.

Rush to meet the deadline of one kind or another, only to stand around waiting for the other shoe to drop - for the last page of the newspaper to arrive, for the cow line to get moving again, for the rush order cabinet door to be made and put through the final process of sanding. And now, we 'rush' to get the deliveries made on time all week while I try to learn the ins and outs of real life trucking, only to find myself twiddling my thumbs on the weekends.

Hela vs the Valkyries needs to be a movie of its own...

You'd think I'd welcome this "free time". I could use it to write or read. Work on either Bigger than the Beetles, the third book in my series, or on a blog post. Even blog ahead if I was smart. Instead, I sit here at my laptop binge watching old episodes of Deep Space 9. Okay, I also watched Ant-Man and the Wasp as well as Thor Ragnarok (the best Thor movie and in the top 5 for the Marvel movies in general in my opinion). Right now I have A Solo Story lined up to watch next, once I'm done cooking. But then I'll go back to Deep Space 9...although the more I watch the Harry Potter movie on the tv, the more I'm tempted to just keep watching that! It's early yet and I won't be going back to work until sometime tomorrow, so maybe I'll manage all of it!

I'm struggling with depression this weekend, with a smattering of anxiety. Some of it stems from the bit of the squabble I had with my trainer shortly before week's end. Some of it stems from being in a strange place all by myself. Granted, I'm in the same nice hotel I was last weekend, so it's not as strange as it was. I managed to go to Walmart today without panicking, and that's always a plus. I have 232 training hours left before I can join my husband and we can bring our dog along, thus reducing my anxiety and depression, and it seems unbearably long at this moment.

missing my girl :(

I did put in a call to the company's Student department, and we're going to see if we can fix the schism between me and my trainer. There was so little communication between she and I on Friday, that I don't know whether it can be fixed. It all boils down to poor communication in the first place. We shall see.

Just one more hiccup in this journey we call life. I know that I'll get through this and come out for the better. No doubt I'll use it for the characters in my stories. I just need to get through the worse part of this momentary bout the blues before I can channel it into their angst. I hate this part of my depression - I can never write when I'm in this certain spot. Pisses me off because writing makes me happy. I've never understood this quirk.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful day, whether you're celebrating Easter or Passover or neither.

What's the Deal?

If you follow me on either Facebook or Twitter, you may have seen my pics where I've been showing off a couple of tiara's that I bought myself. And you may be wondering...why?

The shortest answer would be: Because I wanted to. But that would hardly make much of a blog post, now would it?

They popped up on one of the shopping apps I have on my phone, and since they were cheap and I had the money, I made the purchase. I thought to myself, why not? Jo March in Little Women had her writer's cap complete with a feather in it, why can't I have a writing tiara? Especially since sparkles make me happy?

Josephine March is probably one of my favorite literary heroines. I easily identified with her growing up. We were both writers, both women who didn't fit the typical female stereotype...although I wasn't quite the tomboy Jo was, I certainly had similar growing pains as a woman.

When your mom tells you to smile...

It may seem silly to some. They are free to have their own opinion and I thank them for keeping it to themselves. Where I am at in my depression, I will do whatever silly little thing I want to bring myself even the smallest amount of happiness. Especially since my husband says I look good in a tiara and thinks I should have worn my star and moon one to a recent wedding; he doesn't understand how that could be seen as upstaging the bride, and I didn't want to do that as I would like my new sister-in-law to actually like me someday.

Another thing I have done just to make myself happy would be increasing the Christmas decorations on my writing desk. It's October and some people think Christmas should stay hidden until December - or at the very least the end of November after Thanksgiving. They too are free to have their own opinion, but Christmas is my favorite holiday. So. It's not like I've put up a Christmas tree, just a few empty candy tins and a lit up house. And a sparkly angel. And the decorative tree I leave up all year. Just a few items that bring me happiness.

It's not going to make me a better writer, but I'll settle for happier. At least, less depressed. I've switched up when I'm taking my thyroid meds to ensure that they're being taken on an empty stomach. I was being very careless about that when I was taking them before bed, so I'm hoping once I adjust to the new morning time that my depression will ease up. If not, then I'll have to talk to my doctor about other options.

Because the depression I've been dealing with recently has been crazy! I'm going to blame it on the change of life hormones triggered by the loss of my ovaries. Sounds good to me, even though depression is something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. I even logged into the Suicide Prevention chat line one night, just because I wanted someone to talk to...but there were 74 people in line ahead of me so I decided to just write a poem, eat my last fudgesicle and go to bed. I'm not sure that I felt any better the next day, but I am today so there is that much.

The wedding cake tower at my
brother's wedding last Saturday.

I have been splitting my time between proofing and editing the first two books and writing new material in the third. I've found the easiest way to proof the PDF or Kindle version is on my smartphone so I can take screenshots and write my notes on the pic. I questioned our pricey purchanse of the Galaxy Note 8 earlier this year, but for me, they were well worth the purchase.

Some days I am pulled in one direction more than the other - I'll get caught up in editing one day, writing new the next. And life is still happening around me...places to go and people to see. Weddings to go to and doctor appointments. We are one day closer to going to truck driving school, with a few more things to tick off the 'to-do' list so it's paid for. And then I'll have another new schedule to adjust to!

But I will manage somehow and my books will be finished and released. I just don't have an exact day yet.

When Words Fail

One of the hardest things for me to deal with when I'm depressed is when people ask me what's wrong.

Granted, the person in question is my husband, but he's not the first one to ever ask me this question when I've admitted to being depressed before.

Many people don't understand. Sometimes there is absolutely nothing wrong in a person's life when they're dealing with depression.

Other times...it's everything. Everything is wrong. And you know it's not really everything, it's just your perspective about everything...but that doesn't change your perspective, it just makes the depression worse because you feel it's your own damn fault. Which isn't true, and you know it's not true, but you can't convince yourself to FEEL that it's not true.

Because sometimes life is hard, other people fail you, things don't go as planned and everything you had all figured out suddenly needs to be rearranged and you have to start all over again. I guess better now than twenty years from now.

On the bright side, I have finished my re-write of my second novel. And my re-edit. I'm not ready to re-release the first two novels yet. I'm still frustrated with CreateSpace but I'll get it figured out. So...I'm going to let those two novels sit while I see how much of the third I can get hammered out before I need to shift gears in my life.

I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

Hope you all have a good week.

Much love.

p.s. I'm also very itchy. idk if it's the depression or if I'm having an allergic reaction to life

Slipping!

The road in front of the trailer park where I live
Nowhere near as bad as '11
When both lanes were shut down

I am slipping this week! I didn't even post my usual Wordless Wednesday. But then it's been an off week here.

Our area of the US received days of rain, which ended up resulting in flooding. Depending on location, it was either more or less severe than the floods of both 1972 and 2011 when Tropical Depression Lee waltzed through. The flood of '72 was the remains of Hurricane Agnes.

This year's flooding was not the result of anything like that...it was just a normal Low-pressure system that stalled over our region here in NY and PA. Every time I checked the radar for this storm, all the rain was doing was moving in a counter-clockwise spiral.

The worst part is, the storm stalled after other little storms had already moved through and left damage from flash-flooding. One area library had to close back in the beginning of August because of water damage. They hadn't even finished with the clean-up when this latest storm hit...and I was dismayed at what ended up happening to this library.

The building...washed out...into the road.

I don't like sharing pictures I haven't taken, so I've provided the link to a public Facebook post of the damage.

Bridges are out, roads are still closed.

I haven't gone out investigating, I have been content to stay out of the way and look at Facebook posts of other's less fortunate than I. C.P. Stringham has had to evacuate from her house several different times over the course of this crazy wet summer.

The only ones liking this weather!

On a personal note, my blood sugars are good enough that I have been given permission by my doctor to drop one of my meds. Next Sunday will be the last day I give myself the weekly shot I've been doing for a few months. Once I can get health insurance again, I can have my A1C numbers taken. I still have to take the two pills, but if the numbers stay good...things are looking good for more reductions. Mostly just being hyper-vigilant on the foods I eat and when I eat them.

Which means I dream about stupid things like making recipes my friends on Facebook share...like the Oreo filled, candy bar topped brownies. You'd think that would be the best place to indulge in forbidden foods right, right? Well, the worst part of the dream...was that I didn't even get to taste them! Better luck next time I guess!

Until next time, stay dry!

Much love! :)

Quietly Thinking

So, I've been on the quiet side recently. Just posting pictures and I'm sure you know what that means if you've been around following me long enough.

Depression has been visiting again.

I was kind of expecting it, especially when it came time for me to try going back to work. I kid you not, I was in tears as I drove myself to work that first afternoon. Four hours into shift the tears were now because of the pain I was in from being back on that concrete floor and that didn't exactly help the depression either. I thought - I'm right back where I started out at, if not worse. I won't go into the details, but I no longer work for the factory.

Instead, I am waiting for my 401K to be available so that I can pursue a new line of work. Mr. Janney had originally planned on being at my side for it, however, his driving record isn't good enough at the moment so I will have to go to truck driving school on my own. I am not exactly pleased about this, but then...life doesn't always go as planned, does it? A line from Ring of Fire: Does the future never scare you? Yes, all too often.

So yeah, I'm dealing with circumstantial depression hoping it doesn't turn into chemical depression. (Keeps fingers crossed) And honestly, I don't even want to talk about the anxiety at the thought of driving a big rig even brings to me. But that is probably another subject for another day. I've already had my first nightmare about it...driving into the median to avoid hitting vehicles in front of me.

I've still been working on my stories. The Farmer's Daughter is out to a few different people for a read through. I've made the original set of changes to Ring of Fire and have sort of finished my own first read through of the draft...it was a struggle when I reached a certain point, because I'm still struggling with the center where I'm STILL doing too much telling and not enough showing (Curse you Dragon Queen aka Veronica!). I think she scares me almost as much as she does Craig, the male protagonist. So right now, I'm going through Ring again fixing typos and looking for that center fudge to fix.

And yes...I've also been working on Book Three aka Bigger than the Beetles. Right now as I'm typing this post, I have four words documents open (Farmer's, Ring, Beetles, and one for flashback freewriting) And four internet tabs open (blogger, Youtube playing music - Mumford and Sons at present) Facebook, and one random tab for googling stuff - like hair colors, and drug interactions. Which - if you ever want some eye candy, google black men with hazel eyes...oh my...)