The Difficulties of Being Me

Not feeling like smiling, and don't you dare tell me to!!

Depression is weighing heavily on me today, so much so that I'm not going to publish this post on Sunday because I don't want to bring anyone else down on Mother's Day. I'll let it go live Monday.

So much inside of me wants to call it quits. Not life...the truck driving. Not the actual driving...I like that part. It's just that I have had to deal with so much BS from the two trainers I've been assigned, that I'm seriously questioning my sanity.

Yes, two trainers. And I'm not through training yet, so I'll have to deal with a third.

The first separation was a failure to communicate, on all parties all the way around - myself included. She was giving me the same instruction over and over again in an empty Walmart parking lot and refused to clarify when I asked for clearer instruction - I even gave her examples of what I was looking for. She was most likely just over-tired, but she was not budging on the instructions, so I behaved very passive-aggressively which only made matters worse. It was enough to prompt her to kick me out of the driver's seat and tell me I was done.

Done? Done how? It sounded final. Especially since she didn't let me drive at all the next morning...she didn't even ask me if I wanted to use the restroom before she took off for the day! This was a dedicated route which meant I had weekends off, and once I was deposited in the hotel I called the student department. I was advised to take the weekend to de-stress and think things over, to try and work it out with the trainer on Monday. Which I did. But somebody somewhere, I'm not sure who, decided to end the assignment and I found myself back at the Allentown Terminal on Tuesday.

Maybe she had talked to someone as well? Don't know, it's over and done. There was no point in asking anyone higher up to change their minds, because she had already been assigned a new student before I was ever told my assignment with her had ended.

I waited in the hotel/Terminal for almost two weeks before I was assigned a new trainer. It's hard for this company to get female drivers trained because there are more of us waiting to be trained than there are qualified trainers. Not every female trainer is willing to train another female, and not all male trainers have done the necessary steps to be a co-ed trainer.

It happened very fast. I didn't even get the notification in my app, she just called me. Ever doubtful, I called the Terminal and verified it with them. They explained the situation and I packed my crap together as quickly as possible. Even though I sent much back home with my sister, I still have 'too much' stuff - it's not my fault that I have to cart around a C-Pap machine and medicines and pillows and...I can't weed anything else out!

Anyway, it started out pleasant enough. There were a few red flags, but presented with the opportunity to be through training in two weeks I decided to "grin and bear it". I will not go into everything that happened, but I'm 99% certain I was gaslighted. I know I'm not perfect and can get snappy when I'm tired, but I had every right to react the way I did to the things she did to me the last day with her as my trainer...not counting the trip back to the Terminal, which held its own set of psychological abuse.

Hoping this wasn't all for nothing...

I am blessed with a good support system, but I am so far removed from them all that I feel isolated and abandoned. Even knowing that I am neither of those things. My husband is encouraging and supportive, as is my mother. One of the men responsible for my training at the school we attended continues to be a calm voice in my present turmoil, even though he's no longer required to be.

The last I talked with my husband, when he called me just after midnight to get tech support for wi-fi at the truck stop he was at, he was in Indiana. In actual time, it's been perhaps two weeks since I've seen him. In my present emotional state, it feels like a lifetime. We have a normal relationship - we love each other, fight with each other, annoy each other, disappoint each other, and still wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Even when he calls at midnight, waking me from a pretty solid sleep and Iron Man dream, taking his frustrations out on me - he then reminds me why I love him by apologizing and sending me back to bed. This work separation is trying for  both of us and we're ready for it to be over.

I do not know what Monday holds for me at the Terminal, and I'm somewhat dreading it. I've been made out to be the malcontent in this event, and somehow I have to convince them I'm not. That I wasn't. But no matter what, I'll face it like an adult and do my best to go with the flow.

And I'm not going to give up, no matter how I feel right now. I have fought too hard to get this far to give up now. Did I struggle getting my license? Yes, but I learned from every one of those mistakes and didn't make them again. I've been learning new things every step of the way. I'm stronger than the emotions of this moment.

Whatever it takes.

just in case you didn't get the reference... ;)