The Difficulties of Being Me

Not feeling like smiling, and don't you dare tell me to!!

Depression is weighing heavily on me today, so much so that I'm not going to publish this post on Sunday because I don't want to bring anyone else down on Mother's Day. I'll let it go live Monday.

So much inside of me wants to call it quits. Not life...the truck driving. Not the actual driving...I like that part. It's just that I have had to deal with so much BS from the two trainers I've been assigned, that I'm seriously questioning my sanity.

Yes, two trainers. And I'm not through training yet, so I'll have to deal with a third.

The first separation was a failure to communicate, on all parties all the way around - myself included. She was giving me the same instruction over and over again in an empty Walmart parking lot and refused to clarify when I asked for clearer instruction - I even gave her examples of what I was looking for. She was most likely just over-tired, but she was not budging on the instructions, so I behaved very passive-aggressively which only made matters worse. It was enough to prompt her to kick me out of the driver's seat and tell me I was done.

Done? Done how? It sounded final. Especially since she didn't let me drive at all the next morning...she didn't even ask me if I wanted to use the restroom before she took off for the day! This was a dedicated route which meant I had weekends off, and once I was deposited in the hotel I called the student department. I was advised to take the weekend to de-stress and think things over, to try and work it out with the trainer on Monday. Which I did. But somebody somewhere, I'm not sure who, decided to end the assignment and I found myself back at the Allentown Terminal on Tuesday.

Maybe she had talked to someone as well? Don't know, it's over and done. There was no point in asking anyone higher up to change their minds, because she had already been assigned a new student before I was ever told my assignment with her had ended.

I waited in the hotel/Terminal for almost two weeks before I was assigned a new trainer. It's hard for this company to get female drivers trained because there are more of us waiting to be trained than there are qualified trainers. Not every female trainer is willing to train another female, and not all male trainers have done the necessary steps to be a co-ed trainer.

It happened very fast. I didn't even get the notification in my app, she just called me. Ever doubtful, I called the Terminal and verified it with them. They explained the situation and I packed my crap together as quickly as possible. Even though I sent much back home with my sister, I still have 'too much' stuff - it's not my fault that I have to cart around a C-Pap machine and medicines and pillows and...I can't weed anything else out!

Anyway, it started out pleasant enough. There were a few red flags, but presented with the opportunity to be through training in two weeks I decided to "grin and bear it". I will not go into everything that happened, but I'm 99% certain I was gaslighted. I know I'm not perfect and can get snappy when I'm tired, but I had every right to react the way I did to the things she did to me the last day with her as my trainer...not counting the trip back to the Terminal, which held its own set of psychological abuse.

Hoping this wasn't all for nothing...

I am blessed with a good support system, but I am so far removed from them all that I feel isolated and abandoned. Even knowing that I am neither of those things. My husband is encouraging and supportive, as is my mother. One of the men responsible for my training at the school we attended continues to be a calm voice in my present turmoil, even though he's no longer required to be.

The last I talked with my husband, when he called me just after midnight to get tech support for wi-fi at the truck stop he was at, he was in Indiana. In actual time, it's been perhaps two weeks since I've seen him. In my present emotional state, it feels like a lifetime. We have a normal relationship - we love each other, fight with each other, annoy each other, disappoint each other, and still wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Even when he calls at midnight, waking me from a pretty solid sleep and Iron Man dream, taking his frustrations out on me - he then reminds me why I love him by apologizing and sending me back to bed. This work separation is trying for  both of us and we're ready for it to be over.

I do not know what Monday holds for me at the Terminal, and I'm somewhat dreading it. I've been made out to be the malcontent in this event, and somehow I have to convince them I'm not. That I wasn't. But no matter what, I'll face it like an adult and do my best to go with the flow.

And I'm not going to give up, no matter how I feel right now. I have fought too hard to get this far to give up now. Did I struggle getting my license? Yes, but I learned from every one of those mistakes and didn't make them again. I've been learning new things every step of the way. I'm stronger than the emotions of this moment.

Whatever it takes.

just in case you didn't get the reference... ;)

A Friday Post

I wanted to do posts Monday and Friday's but I've run out of words for this week. Suicide hit a lot closer to home this week, and even though I did not know either almost relative well...my heart is sad. So I am posting Gary Allan's music video for today...it has brought me comfort in the past. If you cannot see the light at the end of your night, and need help...the Suicide hotline is 1-800-273-8255

There is help for you, and hope. Much love to all.

Fake it to Make it

This post contains STRONG language. Do not read it the F-word offends you.

I've been giving this a lot of thought over the weekend, and I find I can't leave the subject of depression right now. Perhaps because of recent suicides, perhaps because in the novel I'm retyping deals with it.

Years ago, a lifetime ago, when I was going to an unnamed church, a friend and I were given TERRIBLE advice on how to deal with our depression. I didn't realize it at the time, but time has given me a different perspective.

We were told to keep it hidden, and when in a public setting to "fake it until you make it". Because you know, if you smile long enough eventually your mood will change. Grin and bear, just a different turn of phrase.

So not only was it a sin to be depressed, it was also a sin to let it be seen outside of the privacy of your own home. After all, if a Christian isn't joyful ALL the time then they're not a real Christian. If someone is depressed, then there is sin in their life that they aren't confessing and they need to get right with the Lord. Or worse...you had somehow opened a door for a demon to come and oppress you (not to be confused with possessing, that's something different)

FUCK THAT SHIT!!!

Pardon the strong language, but the fake it until you make it attitude is the worse advice ever. It denies the reality that sometimes depression is a real medical issue meant to be treated with drugs or therapy or both. This advice endangers lives!!

Yes, sometimes depression is the result of circumstances. But there is NOTHING wrong with being depressed because life has shit on you. Sadness resulting from job losses, illness, deaths, and other losses can and does turn into a lasting depression. My husband lost 4 family members within a relatively short amount of time, with a few losses on my side tossed in for good measure. So not only was he dealing with his own depression, he had mine too...and vice versa. And I'm not ashamed of those years -- loved and cherished family members were taken from us before their time. It hurt, and was a lot for both of us to process.

We need to stop putting a time limit on grieving.

Even if you are depressed for no reason you can discern...it's still not a sin. Odds are, there isn't a demon hanging on your back either. Sometimes our bodies do things we just don't understand, and sometimes parts just don't work like they're supposed to. Including our brains.

We all wear masks from time to time. Putting on a polite face to deal with a relative we really don't like, or coworkers, or that rude ass person being a dick at the drive-thru. This isn't that.

While religion can and does give people comfort, it can also be abused to...well, abuse people.

This advice is not something I still dwell on. I've washed my hands of the person it came from and understand that some of it was denial about their own mental illness. Probably still is as this person is still in the same church.

It's just recent events have brought the memories back and it makes me so angry! If your church has this attitude about depression being sinful, my advice is to run! Get out! If not for your own mental safety, then for that of a loved one. Find a church willing to accept it as a normal part of life, sometimes needing medical treatment.

If you've ever given anyone this advice...repent and apologize to that person and ask them how you can help. I wish more people had not treated me like I was some kind of leper just because I wasn't willing to put on a happy face when I was not happy. There were some, but I'm not naming names on either side of this set of memories. The guilty know who they are.

This attitude of having to be happy all the time is how so many of us who deal with depression on a regular basis have learned how to look happy on the outside. Which is why people are surprised when a "happy" person commits suicide.

I don't know why it is this way, I'm just venting really.

I just know that we as a society need to stop this harmful attitude. Before more lives are gone.

Happy Friday Peeps

Going to keep this short and sweet (I say that now).

Just checking it to see how you all are doing. It's never easy when someone "famous" commits suicide, never easy when ANYONE does...but when someone famous does it, there's so much more publicity. And it draws out so much negativity and erroneous thoughts about suicide and depression.

I myself was not well acquainted with who Anthony Bourdain or Kate Space were in the limelight. Bourdain's name sounds the most familiar to me, but even after looking him up on the net, I still couldn't place his face

I still grieve for Robin Williams.

For that matter, I still feel grief for the boy from high school who may have killed himself...for the mother of a friend who could no longer battle her mental illnesses...for the friend from high school who took her own life.

My own grandfather attempted to take his life. That is a story for another time. I do have permission to tell it, as I "interviewed" my mother and her sister. But the time wasn't right for me. The day will come though.

I have contemplated suicide before. I know someone else who has, but that's a story I can't tell...between them and me.

The joy set before me :)

But my story, short and sweet...I remember a couple different times in my twenties when the darkness was so heavy and I just wanted out from underneath it. The one that stands out the most, was the time I had a razor blade to my wrist. To the point I was drawing blood. I couldn't do it though, because my fear of death and pain was still greater than the depression. I really am grateful for that fear...because of the happiness I have today.

When I tried reaching out for help, I was accused of being overly dramatic and just wanting attention. By someone I loved and respected at the time. Still love them, still respect them...just not the same way. I can never really look at them the same way.

Obviously, I managed to survive and see my way out of that bout. And the bout after that. Just like I had many times before. Ironically thinking how much of a coward I was for being unable to take the final exit. Everyone thinks it's the ones who commit suicide who are being cowards and taking the easy way out. No, no they're not.

NO THEY'RE NOT COWARDS!

They are desperate. They want out of the pain and the darkness...and their desire for that freedom finally outweighed whatever fear of death they may have had. It's the only way they can see.

Which is why it is so important to not mock people when they talk about taking their lives or being depressed. Take every mention seriously, even if they've done it a hundred times before.

If you don't have anyone in your life you can talk to, who will take you seriously...please call the Suicide Hotline to start getting help that way.  1-800-273-8255.

And if you can...break contact with those who mock your pain. You don't need that.

I didn't know all this was going to come out what I opened the post to write. I intended something light and fun for the weekend. But once I started I couldn't stop.

This is something I take seriously and have a passion for. Which can be seen in my novels, because the two main protagonists both battle depression - among other things.

But for the real people in my life, if you're battling depression...know you're not alone. There are those of us who understand. Find a light in your darkness, be a light in someone else's darkness.

May your weekend be a safe one. Much love to all.