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| She's always by my side here. |
My intention was to write about the last few weeks we had with our dog Jaclyn before we had to put her down. I've tried, I have a post mostly written. And I just can't finish it. Maybe I will someday and post it. I don't know yet. I just know that like in life, I need to start moving forward here on my blog just as I have been doing in my daily life.
And let me tell you, that has not been an easy process. Even almost 5 months later, there are days when the loss is as fresh as the morning dew.
The initial depression was almost crippling. I had no choice but to continue to get out of bed, out of the sleeper berth back then, and go to work. Sleeping was harder than usual. Breathing was harder than usual. Trying to write was harder than usual, especially given that one of my secondary characters is a dog. Okay, an angelic being in canine form, but still.
I even messaged my doctor asking about how long I should wait before I should be concerned about the depression. She told me not to be, really. That there is no set time limit to grieving and to grieve for my dog just as I would a human being. Which for me, is remembering her and talking about her.
Which honestly is easier in the privacy of my own home, because there are people out there who would be like 'get over it, it's just a dog'. But, she was MY dog. In so many ways, she was the center of my world. I had to get up because she had to be walked. Even out on the road, I walked her more than Mr. Janney. I had to budget in the price of her food, her bed, her toys. I had to be mindful of her water dish, her food dish, her bathroom needs, cleaning up after her if I didn't catch those bathroom needs in time. She was never very good at actually asking to go outside. Probably because I often just took her outside to go every so often, which was easier at home than on the road. But where ever, if she was asking to go out - her need was great and one of us had better be taking her out...NOW!!
You can see one of the things I have done to help myself remember her in the photo at the top of the post. I've set up a little area on my desk for her remains, a few of her toys, a picture I rotate out every so often from the photo album I've started putting together for her. I have a bazillion photos in digital form, and have started having them printed off a few at a time. I'll sit at my laptop with Google Photos open and flip through the album to see which ones I haven't gotten yet. It no longer hurts as much as it did in the beginning, and has become almost a joyful project. I'll look at some of the pictures and laugh aloud at the funny memory connected to it.
I almost retold the stories from my previous post! I'm glad I looked back and discovered this or you would have read about the time she was honking the rig horn again! Instead, I scrolled through Google Photos to find another story to tell.
It's not a long story, but the photo above shows a time when she was frantically pawing at the bottom of our hutch. I sat in my recliner, watching in amusement and wondering what she was doing. No doubt I even asked her. I don't know why I didn't get down and look, perhaps I was afraid it was a mouse she was after. But no, when Mr. Janney looked at a later time, it turned out her tennis ball had been lost underneath it! We hadn't been playing at the time, so I'm not sure how it got under there.
My photo album project has expanded to include photos of humans too. I put them in a separate album though. A recent picnic my family held inspired me to make sure I label my photos too. Who's in them and the like. I had asked my sister to find some older photos of our mother since the picnic was in her honor, celebrating her 75th birthday early and honoring what would have been her 50th wedding anniversary. Well, since she's never remarried I guess it IS her 50th wedding anniversary regardless of dad passing on back in 1995. Any way, the end result of my request was that entire photo albums were brought! And one of the remarks someone made that day was how not all the pictures were labeled, older black and white photos especially. I was so inspired by this that I went through an entire album I'd already put together of my wedding reception picnic and labeled the backsides of every single picture. That was a late night well spent!
It has also expanded to hanging photos I've taken around the house. I ordered this canvas print of Mt. Shasta without really knowing where I was going to hang it. We recently rearranged our bedroom due to a new bed and I found the spot to hang it. It looks a little lonely, but I'm not sure if I'm going to print off more of my mountain range pictures to hang around it or do random photos from out on the road.
It's just not enough for me to have the photos only on my phone anymore. I have this need to have more visible reminders of happier times. The photo of Mt Shasta in California was taken on a very windy day back in March from the rest area where I had decided to park to wait it out. It was so windy, that when I walked Jaclyn the force of the wind surprised her so much she staggered, and when walking back to the rig after doing her business those adorable ears of hers where blown straight back - I'm afraid if her ears had been any wider, she'd have take off! Even pictures she's not in include memories of her.
Alright, this post has gone on long enough. I have other things I need to get done today, though I promise to post again sooner rather than later. Until next time, stay safe and be well.
