Stuck in Neutral

I feel stuck in neutral.

Unable to move forward

Pressing down on the gas pedal does no good...

And why should it? I'm running on empty.

I am draped in darkness.

Wrapped in blinding light.

Feeling my way blindly either way.

I feel shrouded in a cloud.

A cold, damp cloud. A heavy, humid cloud.

Pressed to the ground, unable to breathe.

Though I am surrounded by beauty

My heart feels withered, dry and brittle

Comforted by nothing.

Though I am surrounded by love,

Friends and Family and Man's best friend,

I feel bereft of love. Empty and hollow.

Though I wonder how I can feel anything at all, numb as I am.

Apathy and anger coexist, though I do not know how.

Tomorrow brings another day, bright with hope and possibilities,

But already I want to sleep it away.

Hurry Up and Wait

It doesn't matter what job I've work at, "Hurry up and wait..." has been a recurring theme.

Rush to meet the deadline of one kind or another, only to stand around waiting for the other shoe to drop - for the last page of the newspaper to arrive, for the cow line to get moving again, for the rush order cabinet door to be made and put through the final process of sanding. And now, we 'rush' to get the deliveries made on time all week while I try to learn the ins and outs of real life trucking, only to find myself twiddling my thumbs on the weekends.

Hela vs the Valkyries needs to be a movie of its own...

You'd think I'd welcome this "free time". I could use it to write or read. Work on either Bigger than the Beetles, the third book in my series, or on a blog post. Even blog ahead if I was smart. Instead, I sit here at my laptop binge watching old episodes of Deep Space 9. Okay, I also watched Ant-Man and the Wasp as well as Thor Ragnarok (the best Thor movie and in the top 5 for the Marvel movies in general in my opinion). Right now I have A Solo Story lined up to watch next, once I'm done cooking. But then I'll go back to Deep Space 9...although the more I watch the Harry Potter movie on the tv, the more I'm tempted to just keep watching that! It's early yet and I won't be going back to work until sometime tomorrow, so maybe I'll manage all of it!

I'm struggling with depression this weekend, with a smattering of anxiety. Some of it stems from the bit of the squabble I had with my trainer shortly before week's end. Some of it stems from being in a strange place all by myself. Granted, I'm in the same nice hotel I was last weekend, so it's not as strange as it was. I managed to go to Walmart today without panicking, and that's always a plus. I have 232 training hours left before I can join my husband and we can bring our dog along, thus reducing my anxiety and depression, and it seems unbearably long at this moment.

missing my girl :(

I did put in a call to the company's Student department, and we're going to see if we can fix the schism between me and my trainer. There was so little communication between she and I on Friday, that I don't know whether it can be fixed. It all boils down to poor communication in the first place. We shall see.

Just one more hiccup in this journey we call life. I know that I'll get through this and come out for the better. No doubt I'll use it for the characters in my stories. I just need to get through the worse part of this momentary bout the blues before I can channel it into their angst. I hate this part of my depression - I can never write when I'm in this certain spot. Pisses me off because writing makes me happy. I've never understood this quirk.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful day, whether you're celebrating Easter or Passover or neither.

Waiting on the Weather

That blue dot is me! lol

Remember those days in our youth when snow days were fun? We didn't have to get up early, or if we did we got to go back to bed. Either way, we didn't have to go to school and we got to play in knee deep snow. (we have pictures of me as a young teen with snow above my knees - somewhere)

It's not so much fun when you're an adult and your road tests depends on the weather. As of right now my next retest is scheduled for 11 tomorrow morning...and there is a wintry storm beginning even as I type this. I've emailed briefly with the school's directer and he's told me all the variables that he's taking into consideration regarding tomorrow's test. Right now, it's a waiting game.

Judging from the radar and what they're predicting, I think the odds of my test being rescheduled are on the high side. On one hand, I want us all to be safe - and if DOT shuts the roads down or imposes a Commercial Vehicle ban it'll be out of our hands anyway. On the other hand, I had a pretty good road drive yesterday with more good shifts and turns than bad. AND I'm still overflowing with confidence because of my solo road trip to Michigan and back again.

Mr. Janney had a few days off because his trainer did, and because the trainer lives in Michigan and is taking his days off there, that's where hubby's days off are. Over 500 miles one way and I did it all by myself.

I know that might sound strange from someone who is working on getting her CDL and becoming an over the road trucker. No doubt some of my troubles passing my road test stems from a lack of self confidence. I've always had a lack of confidence in myself, and this trip was a definite boost in that area. I was somewhat familiar with the first leg of the journey as it's the same way we took to visit my cousins in Indiana a few years ago. And 86 through NY is almost desolate for large stretches of the highway. It got interesting when the highways took me through Cleveland, Toledo, and Detroit. I just turned my music off so I could concentrate on the traffic and road signs, which my map GPS usually warned me about with enough advanced warning to move to the left or the right.

Which is when I got an idea on how to overcome my nerves with the road test examiner. I decided I was just going to pretend he's my GPS. I talk to her all the time traveling, saying 'thank you' and 'It would have been nice to know about that a mile ago' even though she's pre-programmed and can't respond. One of the things we have to do during a road test, is to give a hazard commentary. We have to call out hazards we see...or potential hazards. Things like speed limits and bridge heights.

I did run into some mild wintry weather on the way back from Michigan. Snow mixing with sunshine outside and through Cleveland. It was pretty and a  bit mesmerizing to see the high rise buildings through the bright snow. I wish I could have taken a picture of it. But since I was the one driving, I did my best to drink it in. Of course, here at home I can just stick my head out my door and take a picture of the falling snow. Each area has it's own beauty. I enjoy the country as much as the city. Of course, if you know me at all, you know I prefer the beach over both...especially over snow.

On 86, there was more steady snowfall with a bit sticking to the road. Not a lot, but enough I cut my speed. And felt like I was in danger of being hypnotized by the snow. Which was sometimes illuminated by the full moon. Which was even cooler than snow and sunshine. The night almost seemed to glow around me as I drove. I was talking with Mr. Janney on this leg of the trip and it was nice to have that company. I'm so glad we had a large enough tax refund to buy him a cellphone for his job. I know I could have spent that money on needed bills, but he is reaching the part of his training where the cellphone was going to be a necessity.

I'm going to wrap this up now. I have to get on top of the things I need to do today before the day is over and this blog post is my only achievement. It would be so easy to just binge watch Blue Blood reruns, or pop in the latest DVR recording of I Am the Night and just waste the day away, but I'm going to save that delight for later. And I really do have a few chores I need to knock out of the way before I get back to writing Book 3!

You know me, I'll keep everyone updated on the status of the test.

Have a great day everyone! Stay safe!

What is in Front of You?

I don't know why I try to take pictures while riding in a vehicle. I mean, it's not even a 50/50 chance of getting a good shot. But I insist on trying anyway.

This photo was taken last Wednesday as we were returning home after all our appointments. I like water pics, and the river was so icy and cold looking, I tried even though I could see the cellphone was having trouble focusing. I thought I had it and pressed the screen, only to have the focus shift at the last second. I almost deleted the picture in frustration, but decided not to. Because I think it's a cool picture anyway. The background is all out of focus, but what is in focus are the water droplets right in front of me.

When my anxiety is high, I can't focus on anything. I can't get my ducks in a row because they're bouncing around like balls in a pinball game. All of them, all at once. It's frustrating, and only makes the anxiety worse.

Since I am unwilling to add one more medication to my long list of meds that I already take, I find myself resorting to other methods to try and corral those bouncing balls. The one thing I've found that is free (wine costs money, you know) is something called Mindful Meditation.

I'm not even sure if I'm doing it 'right', but it's enough to help. All I do, is force myself to focus on what is in front of me. There were times in the past, at previous jobs, where my insides where bouncing around so bad that I had my mind walk myself through the steps of my task at hand. It was enough to get me through the shift and usually the anxiety had passed. Until the next day, but that was probably because I was tired of working in the cold and a lot of the anxiety I was experiencing stemmed from that fact.

I have tried the traditional methods of meditating and praying. I've even tried yoga. Anything that puts me down on the floor, puts me on the same level as my dog and Jaclyn never fails to let me know it. I love her, but the best way she helps me with  my anxiety is to snuggle in my lap...her being in my face is just not as cute. Aside from snuggling with the 8-year-old pup, focusing on the moment and the next thing to do is what I have found to work best for myself. Do you struggle with anxiety? If so, how do you deal with it?

Speaking on 'the next thing to do', since I now have water back (idk if it was frozen or what) the next thing to do is switch the dishes around and do a load. Or take a shower. I'll flip a coin. I've tried taking a shower while the dishwasher runs...it turns out to be very chilly!!

Until next time, leave a comment if you'd like.

(I'm going to send this post over at Broads of a Feather too.)

Grinding Less Gears

Happy Thursday everyone!

One of my hangups what I first drove the big rig on the road was an overdose of anxiety/worry. We've all seen pictures of accidents with tractors and trailers. I know up close what can result because three of my brothers have had accidents with their rigs. So I've been a little paranoid about it. But then I happened across this tweet from Donnie Wahlberg (AKA Danny Reagan on Blue Bloods)

worrying?

there is nothing to worry about.

worries are fearful thoughts of the past or future. neither of which exist in the present moment.

take a beat. take a breath.

then, take a moment to consider all you have to be grateful for in this moment.

you got this. all is well.

— Donnie Wahlberg (@DonnieWahlberg) December 5, 2018

I'm not going to quibble on the differences between anxiety and worry. Because this tweet helped me realize that as long as I'm focusing on the moment while I'm driving the tractor and trailer, then I'm being the safest and that goes a long way!! I can't control other drivers, just myself and as long as I'm controlling my rig, then I have a better chance of being able to react safely to just about anything.

Like I told Mr. Janney the other day - "I've got my Wonder Woman panties on, so I've got this!" I have the heart and spirit of an Amazon Warrior, just not the body! Aside from Avenger's Endgame, the next Wonder Woman movie is probably my most anticipated upcoming movie that just cannot get here fast enough!

Our skills/road test is next Tuesday, and nerves aside I think Mr. Janney and I will do just fine. We have three more 'practices' before then, two on the road and one more for the range to practice our maneuvers.

Until next time - much love and be safe!

When Words Fail

One of the hardest things for me to deal with when I'm depressed is when people ask me what's wrong.

Granted, the person in question is my husband, but he's not the first one to ever ask me this question when I've admitted to being depressed before.

Many people don't understand. Sometimes there is absolutely nothing wrong in a person's life when they're dealing with depression.

Other times...it's everything. Everything is wrong. And you know it's not really everything, it's just your perspective about everything...but that doesn't change your perspective, it just makes the depression worse because you feel it's your own damn fault. Which isn't true, and you know it's not true, but you can't convince yourself to FEEL that it's not true.

Because sometimes life is hard, other people fail you, things don't go as planned and everything you had all figured out suddenly needs to be rearranged and you have to start all over again. I guess better now than twenty years from now.

On the bright side, I have finished my re-write of my second novel. And my re-edit. I'm not ready to re-release the first two novels yet. I'm still frustrated with CreateSpace but I'll get it figured out. So...I'm going to let those two novels sit while I see how much of the third I can get hammered out before I need to shift gears in my life.

I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

Hope you all have a good week.

Much love.

p.s. I'm also very itchy. idk if it's the depression or if I'm having an allergic reaction to life

Quietly Thinking

So, I've been on the quiet side recently. Just posting pictures and I'm sure you know what that means if you've been around following me long enough.

Depression has been visiting again.

I was kind of expecting it, especially when it came time for me to try going back to work. I kid you not, I was in tears as I drove myself to work that first afternoon. Four hours into shift the tears were now because of the pain I was in from being back on that concrete floor and that didn't exactly help the depression either. I thought - I'm right back where I started out at, if not worse. I won't go into the details, but I no longer work for the factory.

Instead, I am waiting for my 401K to be available so that I can pursue a new line of work. Mr. Janney had originally planned on being at my side for it, however, his driving record isn't good enough at the moment so I will have to go to truck driving school on my own. I am not exactly pleased about this, but then...life doesn't always go as planned, does it? A line from Ring of Fire: Does the future never scare you? Yes, all too often.

So yeah, I'm dealing with circumstantial depression hoping it doesn't turn into chemical depression. (Keeps fingers crossed) And honestly, I don't even want to talk about the anxiety at the thought of driving a big rig even brings to me. But that is probably another subject for another day. I've already had my first nightmare about it...driving into the median to avoid hitting vehicles in front of me.

I've still been working on my stories. The Farmer's Daughter is out to a few different people for a read through. I've made the original set of changes to Ring of Fire and have sort of finished my own first read through of the draft...it was a struggle when I reached a certain point, because I'm still struggling with the center where I'm STILL doing too much telling and not enough showing (Curse you Dragon Queen aka Veronica!). I think she scares me almost as much as she does Craig, the male protagonist. So right now, I'm going through Ring again fixing typos and looking for that center fudge to fix.

And yes...I've also been working on Book Three aka Bigger than the Beetles. Right now as I'm typing this post, I have four words documents open (Farmer's, Ring, Beetles, and one for flashback freewriting) And four internet tabs open (blogger, Youtube playing music - Mumford and Sons at present) Facebook, and one random tab for googling stuff - like hair colors, and drug interactions. Which - if you ever want some eye candy, google black men with hazel eyes...oh my...)

A New Year

Well, here we are a whole month into 2018.

It's been a bit of  rough start to the new year for me and mine. My brain is still having some trouble processing it, which honestly might explain the headaches I've been having for over a week now.

My one uncle started it by having a heart attack. Not his first, nor his worst, so it was not too much of a concern.

But then my father-in-law thought he might be having a heart attack and went to the ER. Thankfully it was not a heart attack, although they haven't really given him a diagnosis or explanation as to what he experienced.

The day Mom had an ultrasound on the spot

Followed by my mother having a biopsy on a tiny spot that her mammogram picked up. None of us were surprised with the diagnosis. I think we were almost expecting it. After all, her mother had breast cancer. Her sister has breast cancer. Grandma had it a long time ago, and ended up dying from the disease, long before I was even a twinkle in my father's eye. My aunt has endured it twice, losing both breasts.

Mom has a really good prognosis. The spot is so tiny, that it's considered Stage 0 cancer. And it's non-invasive which is also good news. At this point, she's due to have a 'simple' lumpectomy at Valentine's day. She won't even need chemotherapy.  She did have blood drawn for genetic testing. Her sister's came back negative, which doesn't seem accurate since the cancer reoccurred, so there's a chance that mom's also come back as negative. I'm suspicious about it though, because mom got the rogue gene for diabetes when none in her family has it, but then I do tend to be rather cynical.

That still hasn't stopped the diagnosis from doing a number on my emotions. Depression and anxiety have been tap dancing in my head ever since. I have struggled with every day life since. It took me several hours before my thoughts turned to myself. Technically, the odds of me someday being diagnosed with breast cancer haven't changed...my genes are still the same as they were. But my awareness of them has, even though I haven't talked to a doctor about what my 'new' odds are. I try not to obsess over it. No doubt it's part of a mental illness, part of the depression, part of the obsessive anxiety. Some people don't understand, and I envy them their freedom.

The month ended with my husband losing his job. Even though he pretty much had my permission (not that he would have tried to keep it if I hadn't been approving) and we have a plan I'm confident about, it's added stress I wasn't looking for. Especially since I still have to go there myself. Unless they decide to fire me before my FMLA can be approved. No one has said a negative word about my husband losing his job, not within my hearing anyway. I shouldn't worry about it, but I remember the crap I had to endure after the winter accident that cost him a job at the last workplace we shared. People are stupid heartless bitches sometimes. I'm pretty sure I've been looking like a fire breathing dragon recently though, so maybe people are afraid to talk to me. My headache alone is enough to cause that. O_o

Headache wise, today hasn't been too bad. A bit of a nagging headache, thankfully not the raging one. The raging one makes it so hard to think. And I need to be able to think. Especially at work, where I operate a machine. It's not hard, but I do need to pay attention once in a while.

I worry too much. I know this. As I told my one co-worker who was trying to encourage me one night, that's also a gene I inherited from my mother.I just hope my grey hair ends up looking as pretty as her's and her sister's.

There's more, of course. There's always more. But I don't want to be too much of a downer as I do some internet venting.

Well, all my alarms just went off. Time to go take my thyroid meds. I'll try to get back here more often. Take care everyone.

Wispy Thoughts

The other night, I was thinking as I usually do when trying to fall asleep. I had two thoughts for blog posts...I decided to use one for my shared blog over at Broads of Feather and to save the other one for here. I did not write them down, and sadly only remembered one. It was the one I had decided to use for Broads, you can read it here.

Daisy at the junkyard.

I'm not sure if it's the brain fog from Hashimoto's thyroid, or if it's just my old age catching up to me. Probably both!

So, since I forgot my original idea, I'm writing about how I forgot it! Humorous, yes?

As I detailed in my post linked above, I'm presently doing all my computer work on a tablet instead since my laptop has apparently died (thank you Windows 10...and thank you Windows for the Surface lol) It seemed like, as soon as my laptop died, my brain began working overtime on my novel. To the point where it was keeping me awake one night.

Any more, I dislike writing by hand. It hurts to do it for extended amounts of time. Even for work, I use shorthand whenever possible - I assume people higher up than me are able to figure it out, as I've never been asked about it by them. So, I didn't really want to get up and start handwriting.

I can't begin to imagine how much time I wasted debating whether to grab my phone and make some notes on it. Debating because I once read writing advice stating that you shouldn't write your ideas down right away, because if they're good enough ideas you'll remember them then next day. Talk about note-taking shaming! This was several years ago, but for whatever reason it's a piece of crappy advice that's plagued me ever since.

That may be too harsh. Calling it crappy advice, I mean. I'm sure there are some people that this advice works for. For me, it is a recipe for disaster. If my depression and anxiety are high, I have trouble remembering everyday things. Just the act of writing something down, helps cement something in my memory. There was a time not too long ago, that I had to make a list of things to do before I went to bed... not only so I'd remember to do things I needed (like phone calls), but so it would help ease the anxiety that liked to keep me awake at night. I still keep occasional lists.

So, yes...I ended up grabbing my phone and taking enough notes not only to remember it the next day, but to see if that would turn down the volume of my brain. Thank God it wasn't a work night, because as it was I only ended up getting maybe 2 hours of sleep... and that's being generous. Awesome ideas aside, it was a rough night.

It just goes to show, that all advice is not equal. What works for one, may not work for another. Whether for writing or not. If something works for you, we shouldn't feel shame for it! Something I need to remember myself, I know. There is no harm in experimenting and trying new things, but let's always remember that we don't need to keep doing them if they're not working for us.

So, fellow writers... are you a nighttime note -taker too?