When Words Fail

One of the hardest things for me to deal with when I'm depressed is when people ask me what's wrong.

Granted, the person in question is my husband, but he's not the first one to ever ask me this question when I've admitted to being depressed before.

Many people don't understand. Sometimes there is absolutely nothing wrong in a person's life when they're dealing with depression.

Other times...it's everything. Everything is wrong. And you know it's not really everything, it's just your perspective about everything...but that doesn't change your perspective, it just makes the depression worse because you feel it's your own damn fault. Which isn't true, and you know it's not true, but you can't convince yourself to FEEL that it's not true.

Because sometimes life is hard, other people fail you, things don't go as planned and everything you had all figured out suddenly needs to be rearranged and you have to start all over again. I guess better now than twenty years from now.

On the bright side, I have finished my re-write of my second novel. And my re-edit. I'm not ready to re-release the first two novels yet. I'm still frustrated with CreateSpace but I'll get it figured out. So...I'm going to let those two novels sit while I see how much of the third I can get hammered out before I need to shift gears in my life.

I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

Hope you all have a good week.

Much love.

p.s. I'm also very itchy. idk if it's the depression or if I'm having an allergic reaction to life

Silence from the Peanut Gallery

It's like that moment when the comedian delivers the punch line and the audience doesn't make a peep.  Not even a chuckle.  And all the comedian can hear aside from the sound of his own heart hammering in his chest, is the sound of one single cricket.

Okay, so I asked you all questions in the hopes that I could get a better idea of how I can meet your blog reading needs...and no one answered.  Either I'm doing fine, or nobody read it which would indicate that I'm doing terrible!

I can handle this.

After all, it isn't like this is my first time blogging.  I used to be quite the avid blogger, back in the old days before I had a husband and full time job.  And as I remember, it took a while to build a following, even though I wasn't looking for that back then.  I just wanted to write and have someone somewhere read what I was writing even if it was mundane commentaries on my life at the time.  I dropped that blog to start this new one because I wanted to appear more professional in my 'new line' as a published author.  And I figured it would be just as easy to start over fresh than it would be to revive the old blog which I had let fall into total anonymity.

The other day when I was chatting during a schedule phone call with +Rebekah Radice (who totally rocks, by the way) one of the things we went over was who my target audience is.  So I've been thinking, who do I want to connect with through my blog?

I hope it is okay to have more than one 'target' audience in mind.

First, I want to connect with readers.  Specifically people who like to read fiction novels.  People who like mixed genre novels.  I say that because if I'm honest, I tend to blend genres rather than write in just one.  Farmer's Daughter is mostly Contemporary Romance, but there is also Fantasy in it (which will increase as the series progresses) and Suspense...which given that I did that one unconsciously, that'll probably increase as well.  People who aren't afraid of a long book - I write what I like to read, and I love long books!  Granted, it's not for everyone.  I had a coworker comment on the length just yesterday.  I get that.  Ring of Fire is probably not going to be as long, but I can make no promises.

Farmer's Daughter.  Lost childhood innocence.

And of course, I most especially want to connect with readers who've read my own book.  I'd love to hear new thoughts and opinions.  I'd love to dialogue about favorite characters and favorite scenes.  Or scenes that were absolutely hated.  Or scenes that you hate to love.

Secondly, I would like to connect with other writers.  For the camaraderie.  If a reader isn't a writer themselves, they can't fully appreciate the madness that a writer goes through during the process of writing a book or short story.  C.P. Stringham is one of my most favorite people in the world, because she's someone who lives close that totally gets it.  We'll talk and one of us will eventually say, "Me too!  I know exactly what you're talking about!"

Because it's good to have people along for the journey.  We each have a different perspective on life.  It's how we are able to help one another along.  I want my journey to encourage others.  Not just to read, but to write their own stories.  And to publish them!  Our stories are meant to be shared!

So many choices...

So I stand at a crossroads of sorts.  Do I change how I've been blogging, or try a different tact?  At this moment, I don't have an answer.  Not really.  Since I began this entire adventure, I've been feeling my way in the dark and flying by the seat of my pants.  But I must be doing something right somewhere because I've given one presentation at a local library with C.P. Stringham, been featured in our local paper, and have been invited to speak at a book club meeting in June (how exciting is that!!)

At the moment, I am getting ready to work on Ring of Fire.  I'd really like to have it finished and polished for an end of summer release.  I plan on going with my mother tomorrow to a family affair, so writing has to be done today.  I have no idea what will be going on Monday, except for no work which is becoming our norm.  Not good in the paycheck (which may be why I'm behind in the light bill)  Ah well, this too shall pass.

On the bright side, I've got most of my weekend chores already done.  Laundry? Check (ok, so the last load is still in the dryer...close enough!)  Grocery Shopping? Check (I hate feeling guilty for buying our needs)  Dishes...uhm, nevermind.  We're good, so I can write with a clean conscience.  ;)



2014 ~ One Day at a Time

A Quiet House Causes Much to be Accomplished

Maybe not when it comes to actual story writing, but this past weekend while my husband has actually been out of the house, I really did get a lot of writing things done.

I finished blog posts here, as well as at my joint blog (you can read the latest post here).  I also finished a questionnaire for my fiction coach +MJ Bush who should be calling me shortly.

And I even managed to write my Author Bio.  How exciting is that?  Which I'll need when the librarian starts publicizing our presentation in March.  Of course, I still need to write a short Bio, but the afternoon is young yet.

I never before realized how much I need some semblance of quiet in my writing area.  I can handle soft music (R.E.M. is playing at the moment) and I can even handle Mr. Janney playing Halo Wars as long as it's a relatively quiet game.  There is no concentrating during GTA 5.

I'm hoping that this is a turning point, that'll he keep on going to work with the welder and we're both still hoping he gets the security gig as well.

It's like I can breath again.

Breath, write, think, write...it's all the same thing...

2014 ~ Full Of Possibilities

Did You Feel The Earthquake Today at Noon?

Of course I just had to get that in there!

Ok, so there was no actual earthquake.

But it doesn't take a genius to grasp that today was an important meeting.

On a personal level. Because I really liked meeting Carol. She's pleasant and likable. Funny, and a fellow Trek fan!  (woot woot!)  She's definitely the leader of the two of us; whether that is my own insecurity speaking or an accurate fact I can't say for certain! Regardless, this is the start of something pretty awesome!

I hope her phaser is set on stun!

On a fun level.  Because like I said, she's just fun!  She brought Star trek toys for us to play with.  Hey, you're never too old to just have some fun!  Even in the library!  Of course, the librarian we were meeting with had to bust out her stern face and put us overgrown kids back on track.  Focus!  We had to focus! And afterwards when we went to the Mad Hatters Cafe and Co-Op for a coffee and Whoopie Pie - we somehow ended up participating in a Stress Management workshop!  I can't even begin to describe that except to say there were a lot of giggles and I could have sworn the presenter had been reading from my secret blog!

On a professional level.  Because our meeting at the Spaulding Memorial Library was to set up a joint presentation!  I'm so excited I can't even think straight to tell you the truth!  I'm not one hundred percent certain what Carol has in mind for our presentation, but since she's the more experienced author with more books released than myself, I'm more than willing to let her lead and just go with the flow.  We do have plenty of time to put our heads together again.  I'm sure it will be a blast since great minds think alike and we do seem to have a lot in common!  <<March 22nd, 1pm if you want to save the date>>  Don't worry, I won't let anyone forget - plus there will be a write up in the newspaper too!

Great minds really do think alike.

All in all it was a great experience.  One that I'm glad happened.  It was encouraging at a time when it was needed.  Of course now, I'll have to turn my focus back to the blog post I started for Broads of a Feather and get that posted so that we can do a collaborative post about midweek.  And then, who knows?  I might actually pull my voice memos out and get a few scenes written for the second novel in my series!  Of course, knowing my eternal sense of good timing - that will be about the time Mr. Janney decides it's time to call me for a ride home.  Maybe I should turn the ringer off????  Just for a bit?  I'm sure he won't mind.  Much.

Just kidding Mr. Janney.

Maybe. ;)

2014 ~ Back In Focus

The Wisdom of Yoda

This morning I found a neat piece of wisdom on a Google+ post that I shared under my own profile.  You can see it here, as I'm not sure I would be correct in posting it on my blog.  So since I'm not sure, I'll just share the link.  Better safe than sorry.  And I even ran across it again later on Pinterest.  If you've ever seen the movie The Empire Strikes Back, I'm sure you're familiar with the scene being quoted.

In short, the diminutive Jedi Master Yoda does something that his apprentice believed impossible.  And the Master tells Luke that there is no try, you either do something or you don't.  Luke expresses his disbelief over what he just saw, and the teacher in Yoda furthers the lesson by letting the young man know that his lack of belief is the reason why he fails.

Yoda's wisdom may be a bit flawed, because if you don't try to do something, you will definitely not do it.   But was that what he was really saying to his student?   The  first  definition of "try" at Dictionary.com is:  "to attempt to do or accomplish."  So it might depend on the attitude behind the word "try".   Luke obviously didn't expect to succeed, so if we're honest about his trying to levitate the spaceship we would say it was half-hearted.  At best.  Not only did Luke believe it was impossible for him to do, he believed it was impossible for anyone to do.  Even after he saw it with his own eyes, he was still struggling with disbelief.  How could anyone accomplish such an outrageous task???

It is that lack of faith in themselves that plagues many people.  Even when we know that something is possible, we doubt that it is possible for us to do.  Our beliefs in ourselves determines whether or not we "do" something.  Who am I to think that I will succeed at being an author?  Aren't I destined to scrape along the bottoms for the rest of my life?  How can I think that I can be more than what I've always been?

Because I'm an author.  I like to tell stories.  Well, I like to write stories and have people read them.  Because when it comes to verbally telling a story, I really kind of suck.  That's a weird quirk, I suppose, but it is all too true.

And why shouldn't I publish my story?  It's interesting and my characters are lovable (except the ones that aren't meant to be!) When I made the decision to self publish, it was in answer to my questioning of myself.  "I either believe in my story, or I don't."

I believe that I will succeed.  I smart enough to know that I will make mistakes along the way, but I know that it is a necessary step to learning what I need to do to be that success.  I know that those mistakes do not equal failure.  I believe that my career is just starting, and that it will last until long after my death.  It may seem impossible, but I know that to be a self-defeating attitude.

If you feel that no one in your life believes in you, take a good long look at yourself in the mirror.  Do you believe in yourself?  Because you are your biggest influencer, no matter who else you might have speaking into your life. Don't be afraid to attempt to do something, because even if you make mistakes that doesn't mean you've failed - you will at the least learn what you need to do differently to succeed.

The only thing that was holding me back from publishing when I became aware of how 'easy' it was through Amazon Kindle Direct Publishing was myself.  I was afraid of failing.  But then I realized that the true failure would be not doing anything at all.  So I did it - I published my novel and threw myself into the deep vast ocean of it all knowing that I even though I wasn't sure how to swim, I at least knew enough to float until I got my bearings.

I'm doing it.

2014 ~ Full Speed Ahead

Full Speed Ahead

This post is really late tonight, because oh my goodness what a day it has been!  First there was the almost 9 hour work day...which started with me realizing I had left my ID/Time badge in my other pants and ended about 30 minutes sooner than usual when the lights went out at 3.  Of course, we had to wait and clear the line of meat before we could clean up and go home.  No big deal.  I come out into the locker room and find text messages from my hubby saying that we had no power at home.  ???  This could have been a problem as we heat by electricity!  But it came back on, and turned off again, and came back on...I almost wasn't sure if I dared try to write this!  So we went out to dinner, got double fortunes in our fortune cookies (that has to be good luck!  Esp. since they were spot on!) and came home to lights still on.  So here we are!

My hopes for the new year are fairly simple.

I expect to get myself caught up to speed on all this social networking business, which is really kind of fun, and sell more copies of my first novel.  I know that there will be some locals things done to help promote it, as my fifth grade English teacher has been talking to our local library about helping me out.  I'm not sure which is cooler...having the library hype my book, or my former English teacher giving it the thumbs up!

I also expect to finish the second book in the series, Ring of Fire, and edited and published.  By summer, if I'm lucky.  That's my goal at the moment.  Because once I 'finish' it, I know I'm going to want to let it sit for a bit before I edit it and do any necessary rewrites.  I don't think I'll need ten years like last time!

In my dreams, I would like a job change.  Mostly because what I am doing hurts my hands.  I had trouble driving home after work today.  Every time I had my left hand on the steering wheel, it would hurt between my middle and ring finger.  It's very unsettling.  Especially since I don't get to drive much anymore.  No real reason, aside from not having our own vehicle.

Which is another of my hopes/expectations for next year.  For my hubby to get his truck back on the road.  This project is closer than the last one, so I'm thinking it'll happen.  I so miss my little Beretta.  It was such a good little car, even though there was a spider in it once, but that's a story for another time.

Oh, and I'd like to be able to get propane for our tanks again so I can stop heating my electric as much and actually start cooking/baking again!  I kind of miss that!  I've lost track of how long it's been since we ran out.  Two years?  It can't be three can it?  I really don't know.  I do decent enough cooking by electric...a griddle, frying pan, slow cooker and the microwave.  If I want to use an oven for anything I have to either use my mother's, my mother-in-law's, or my one friend who is also a neighbor.

Every year is the same.  We take time to reflect on the past year, good or bad, and hope the new one holds better things.  This past year was pretty good for me, and I have no reason to doubt 2014 will be any different.  I know bad things will happen, they always do.  But they don't have to ruin a year!

What are your hopes for the New Year?