Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Christmas and the Week After

Christmas is at the end of this week, and while for many Wednesday is the last day of the work work, for Mr. Janney and I it is also the last work day for this year.  We don't go back to work until January 4th!  Which wouldn't be a bad thing except only four out of those 7 days are holiday pay and Mr. Janney will be the only one getting that because I'm still too new there.  At least I'll be able to collect unemployment for those days, which is better than nothing.

For the most part, I'm looking forward to the time off.  I plan on sorting through our clothes and maybe reorganizing my desk.  It's good to have plans, right?

We'll see how far I get.  See you in the New Year (maybe by then I'll now how I really feel about the new Star Wars movie!)

Check out Amazon this week.  For the next two days, my novels Farmer's Daughter and Ring of Fire will be on sale for Kindle at only 99cents.  Then for three days after that, it'll be $1.99.  Also available on the UK site: Farmer's Daughter and Ring of Fire

Friday, December 18, 2015

To My "First Love"

This is an open letter to my "first love"...the trio of Star Wars...Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, and Carrie Fisher.
A long time ago...for all of us lol

I know that I'm not alone, that there are probably scores of people who can and would say this very same thing to you.  I'm not going to get into the details of my troubled childhood, because crap happens to us all, but I want to let you all know: the characters you portrayed and the universe you played in, saved my life when I was a teenager.

The depression which followed me into my adult years was hard for a teenager to deal with.  And I dealt with it through fantasy and science fiction.  I am a writer and shortly after I had finished my senior year, I had actually finished the first novel in a trilogy for Star Wars.  I worked on it every chance I got, every free moment in school to the point that most of my classmates could be able to tell you about it.  But then adulthood hit, and the huge expanded universe kept stealing all my ideas...I lost track of how often I had to rewrite because of the latest book released...and I had to set my story ideas to the side.

Which only gave me the time and energy to focus on my own original fiction, so it's not all bad.  And those years of writing what is now known as fan fiction was excellent practice, I'm sure.

But my love for you three has never faded, and I wanted to let you all know that I'm grateful you were all able to reprise your roles in the new movie I haven't seen yet.  I suppose I ought to be thanking George Lucas since he created the Star Wars universe in the first place, and Disney for making the new movies..and I am...but you are the ones who gave the characters life and breath.  When I wrote my crappy fan fiction, it was your voices I was hearing when my characters spoke and your faces that reacted to the latest drama I sent their way.

I know that it may have just been another job, but we are all grateful you did.  Thank you and keep up the good work.

Who knows, I'm not dead yet and I'm still a writer...I might get to write a Star Wars novel yet...Hey, a girl can have a new hope at any age!

Sunday, November 1, 2015


I'd like to say my life is settling ... but I have the feeling that as soon as I say it, there will be an upheaval of some kind to prove me wrong!

I feel much better still being in bed at this morning hour...
in the evening, it's half an hour until my lunch break!
Probably the biggest news I can give you is that I've changed jobs.  I am no longer a day-shifter, but am headed into my second week of being back on second shift.  For training purposes I had to be on day shift for the first two weeks of my new job.  I'm still working on adjusting to a new schedule, but I'm already feeling better after leaving my old job.  Not all of my aches and pains have left, but enough for me to feel relief.

It is nice being on the same schedule as my husband.  While we're not allowed to work in the same department, we do work in the same building and he apparently sees me in passing more than I do him.  Probably because whenever he goes to break, I am too busy to look for him!  Of course, I am working through a temp agency and have about 75 more days left before the company will consider hiring me on directly. I have no doubts that they will, but I supposed anything can happen between now and then.

Of course, I've signed on during their slow season.  I have yet to hit a full 40 hour paycheck.  But through Mr. Janney's previous work experience, I know that this won't last long.  Soon it'll be 12 hour shifts and 7 days a week and we'll never be seen!  Our dog will probably end up killing us in our sleep!

I am almost to the point where I'm ready to resume writing.  It has been hard recently.  Absolutely no motivation to pen new words, no desire to visit with my imaginary friends and enemies.  Even blog posts feel like slogging through mucky mire.  Part depression, part stress, part anxiety.  It's slowly resolving itself, bit by bit.  That which has been caused by circumstances anyways.

And like I usually do, I will use that as fuel for my characters and plot.  Cuz that's how I roll.

Hope you all enjoy the rest of your day!

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Changes To Be Made

A peaceful spot to get away from the stress...
As I discussed in my post at Broads of a Feather, I am going to be making changes to my online presence.  I haven't made up my mind entirely as to what these changes are going to be, but they will be made.

Which isn't a bad thing.

I've  been wanting to post here more often, but given the state of my mind and emotions these past few weeks, I haven't been able to come up with anything good to post. Which is my own fault because I've always wanted to have some kind of schedule/plan for a few weeks out so I don't have to come up with something fresh each time I want to post; I've never sat down and written one out.

I have managed to get some writing done this summer, though nothing like I had originally planned.  My stories are never far from my thoughts.  It has been a very stressful summer, and truthfully shows no sign of abating anytime soon.

Our home is scheduled to be sold through a Sheriff Sale in September. I was making payments on it before my husband and I became injured and our finances began to suffer.  Rent continues to be an issue as well.

Even though I managed to convince my doctor to release me back to full time work, he wouldn't do it immediately (he didn't want to do it at all) so my return is at an hour a day a week at a time and I won't be back up to 8 hours a day for another week.  It is frustrating because it's not going to be in time.  My husband says he's going to ask the doctor to return him back to full duty when he sees her again at the end of the month, and I'm a little worries because he's only back to about 85%.  But it's a few weeks away still so maybe he'll be ready.  Or ready enough.

Which will create another 'problem' as we work different shifts and since we lost the car earlier this summer, transportation will be .... interesting.  I'll be talking to my friend and neighbor about riding in with her in probably another week.  And maybe a ride home too, even though it won't matter who I ride with I'll have to wait for them to get done since I'll only be working 8 hours and our departments are actually working 9 right now.

I know all things will end up working out somehow.  I just wish it would even out already!  We could both use a break from "life"!

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Never Too Old to Learn a New Trick

"You can't teach an old dog new tricks."

It's an old saying that I'm sure everybody has heard at least once in their life.  It is often used to refer to older humans as well.  Some habits can't be changed or broke, because it's so ingrained by then.

I suppose there is some truth to that.  I'm having a hard time curbing my sweet tooth.  I've lived with it for so long and have given in to it for just as long, that it is hard to say NO when the urge for a treat raises it's ugly head.  The other night my mother treated us to supper, and I saw the soda machine in the corner with a favorite soda showing and thought 'I don't drink soda that often anymore, it won't hurt to treat myself this once.' And boy did I regret it! I apparently can't drink any soda anymore without it going straight through me in a very painful way.

But since we never really stop learning until we're dead, there is always a chance of learning something new and having it stick.

In my case, as I'm all too quickly my 39th birthday, I am learning how to swim.

All my doctors want me to lose weight, but they don't want me walking or on my foot to exercise in anyway and all that's left to me is upper body exercises and swimming.  Which I don't exactly know how to do.  I know more now than when I first started this blog though.

There's only one free pool in out area, which is just over half an hour away from us so unfortunately we can't exactly go everyday.  So far, Mr. Janney and I have gone at least once a weekend since they've opened.   We've had a fairly active thunderstorm season so far, so there have been a few times they've had to close the pool due to weather.

I'm not really sure why I never learned how to swim as a youth.  We didn't really have any deep rivers or ponds available for us to swim in growing up, or parents that would have allowed it? I'm not sure which it would be.  My school didn't have a pool like my husband's did (it still does).  And I did have a scary experience in a small pool when I was in 4-H, which instilled a good deal of fear regarding water...especially water over my head.

I  mean, I hate it.  Especially water in my ears.  If it gets stuck in there, I have that plugged feeling for what feels like an eternity.

So, we've solved that problem by my using ear plugs (which to my deep regret I forgot on Sunday) and swimming goggles.  And what a difference they make!  Especially the earplugs!  They eliminated so much of that not-so-irrational fear that I was able to brave the water on Sunday when I forgot them.  Yeah I got water in my ear, but I was determined to make more progress so I kept on.  Between getting water in my ear, and some up my  nose - I haven't mastered the entire breathing thing quite right yet, I've irritated my sinuses to the point the nurse practitioner ordered some antibiotics this afternoon when I saw her.  So in a way, I guess I'm paying for my determination to learn - but it's so worth it!

I probably know just enough that I won't drown if I somehow get caught in deep water without my husband nearby.  As if!  My technique is lacking, but I can almost cross the pool on my own without floundering.  Almost.  I can doggy paddle, sort of, all the way across.  My hubby says I'm doing good, and even one of the lifeguards who works there was kind enough to comment on my progress as well.

Hopefully before summers end, I'll have it more or less mastered.  Already I'm relaxed enough in the water that I don't want to get out, even if I'm not ready to do some of the tricks that Mr. Janney now regrets (his shoulder maybe isn't recovered enough from surgery to be doing back strokes and underwater flips).

Still, not too bad for this 'old dog'.

What is something you'd like to learn to do, or a fear you'd like to overcome?

Just a reminder, you can by my books for your Kindle (or a paperback) at these links: Farmer's Daughter Kindle/Paperback, Ring of Fire Kindle/Paperback.  If you prefer Nook, use these links Farmer's Daughter/Nook, Ring of Fire/Nook.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Busy Busy Busy

Visitors at a picnic Mr Janney and I had.
I've been so busy recently, I've fallen behind in all my blogs! Read about the most recent events here at Broads of a Feather. I apparently meant to do a Mother's Day post, but all that was there was the title...Lord only knows what I intended to write before I got distracted by something!

Mr. Janney is recovering from his surgery ok, though I worry that he's trying to push himself too hard.  We are in severe financial ruin at the moment, he won't be going back to work for another 2 months at the least.  None of the doctors I've seen will release me back to full duty full time and even at $14/hr one cannot live on 20 hours a week...and none of them will do surgery on me either!  Nor will they just write me out, which would be financially difficult as well but at least I'd be able to draw Short Term Disability and have my job held for a year.  They want me to lose weight (which I don't argue) but they don't want me walking for exercise but it's ok to keep working at a job that keeps me on my feet?  I don't get it.

I have not gotten much writing done recently.  Not since the scribbling since Mr. Janney's surgery in fact.  Between napping, running errands, rearranging the computer room...there's either been little time for myself, or I'm too tired to even open the computer up.  I'm hoping the exhaustion thing will be a thing of the past since my thyroid is now adjusted and 'almost over-active' as my primary doctor said...and the fact that I've discovered that iced coffee gives me a bigger jolt than hot coffee!

Scenes like this help fight depression.
I've also started taking St. John's Wort again to help take the edge off of the depression I've been dealing with.  I can't afford another prescription, I can't even afford my current ones - which is why I haven't had my second blood sugar medicine in a couple of months!  And right now much of it is circumstantial anyway.  Between the constant pain, my husband's pain, constant money woes...why wouldn't I be depressed?

I just wish it didn't take away my desire to read and write.  That's probably the worst thing about depression.  There's just no desire for any of it.  I've been trying to read Mistborn by Brandon Sanderson for weeks now, and even though it is far more pure fantasy than anything I've read in a while that wasn't Wheel of Time which makes it slower reading for me, I'm still hooked and I want to know how everything turns out!  So often though I'll pick the book up and read for just a few minutes then put it down.  It takes so much less energy to play Clash of Clans on my obsolete smartphone or Pet Rescue Saga - although that one tends to tick me off and then I switch to Bejeweled Blitz.

Flowers at the pond we were at yesterday, shortly after a rain shower.
Well, I have to get back to laundry. Hope everyone is having a good weekend, even if it is rainy like it is here!

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

The Big Day or Going Under the Knife

Well, the big day has arrived for my husband.  He is in surgery even as I type this in the surgical waiting area on one of their computer's.
I threatened to take pictures, because I know Mr. Janney hates having his picture taken.  But I didn't; I figured he had enough going on.  Although I wish I could have.  Six foot one doesn't sound that tall to me because I live with him all the time and it never feels like that big of a difference between his heigth and mine (five foot seven).  But seeing him stretched out on the short hospital bed was something else!  Feet up against the small foot board, head just hanging over the top of the elevated top.
Maybe it doesn't look as bad once they laid him flat, but they didn't do that while I was there.  They put the IV in while I was there, but I had to step out while they administered the nerve block.  I kind of wanted to see that part because they use an ultrasound as a guide since it was going into the side of his neck.
Because his surgery is on his left arm, he had to take his wedding ring off.  He handed it to me and so I've got it on my right hand at the moment, which feels really wierd!
I brought a notebook with me, so in a few minutes when I sign off from here I'll be scribbling on one story or another.  Probably my third novel as that needs to get done soon!  I might look at the short story I already have started in there though.  I haven't decided yet.
Have a good day peeps :)

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Upcoming Surgeries and Nerves

One of my favorite spring flowers
Spring is in the air, even though the present temperature is cool at 51 degrees Fahrenheit and there have been snow flurries in the air the past few days here in Northeast PA.

I have to admit, I think I'm more nervous about my husband's upcoming surgery than my own.  Granted, I've had surgery before and know some of what to expect.  And I've sat through more than a few procedures of my mother's that required anesthesia, so it's not like I haven't been through this before.  But I get just as nervous each time with  my mother, so maybe that's just the kind of worrywart I am!

Mr. Janney's shoulder surgery is just over a week away.  I've already taken the day off of work, as well as the next just in case he needs me an extra day.  Like any procedure needing anesthesia, he's not to be left alone for 24 hours afterwards.  Depending on what time his surgery is (we don't have an arrival time yet) I may go to work the next day, especially since it's my last available vacation day until next October.  But since finances are pretty slim at the moment, I may just take it for the extra pay.

An MRI showed that Mr. Janney has a vertical tear in his upper bicep tendon.  We don't really know how it happened, there was no sudden explosion of pain but rather a gradual onset of pain.  It's one of those situations which we think it was caused by his work, but can't prove it because anything could have caused this.  It could have happened before he started his job, but didn't start hurting until he actually used those muscles more.  He does tend to be an inactive gamer.

I finally got the approval for my own surgery from my foot doctor.  The earliest opening he had at the time was ... the day after hubby's surgery!  Since hubby will be coming out of surgery with a sling for at least 4 weeks, and I'll be coming out of my surgery with a cast on my foot and unable to put any weight on it...I told the doctor that back to back surgeries weren't going to work!  So I am loosely scheduled for some time at the end of May - I say loosely because I haven't had confirmation from the doctor's office yet.

In other news:

My friend C.P. Stringham has finished her latest work, "Overcoming Sarah".  No word on a release date, but just to hear that it is finished and in the hands of her proofers and critiquers is exciting news!  She has shared bits and pieces of the work on Facebook as she's been working and it looks like it's going to be a great read.

I will share links and more details as she shared them.

She and her oldest daughter recently helped me with a research trip of my own.  Something I shared about here on Broads of a Feather.  It was a good day all the way around!

As I plug away at work, trying to make at least enough money for our car payment and gas money (and not much else - which is why I haven't taken down the GoFundMe link yet) I find that the routine work is routine enough to allow my mind to work on my own stories. I've had some great breakthroughs for my third novel, as well as an idea for short stories set in the same town but focusing on the supporting characters instead.  For example, in Farmer's Daughter (which will be free for Kindle Sunday and Monday) I find that at Christmas Eve a character named Nora was addressed by Craig as "Mrs. Thompson" but by the time he eloped with Angela, they were on friendly enough terms that he referred to her as Nora and had asked her to watch his and Angela's dog while they were away.  I realize that a lot happened to Craig's character in that time period, but I'm kind of wondering why Nora was chosen to watch Princess.

I also have an unrelated short story idea floating around in the back of my mind.  I need to get it written down and started before it slips away. There are never enough hours in the day for me to write everything in my head, do all my chores and communicate with family and friends.

But I keep trying.

Speaking of family, I have to get this proofed and published so I can get ready to go out to dinner with  my mother.  I hope you all have a great weekend!

Sunday, April 5, 2015

An Original Short Story

I shared this short story I wrote in the Notes section of  my Facebook page and I thought I would share it here as well.

Anticipating the Dark; a short story by Robin Janney

Water dripped from the eaves with a resounding consistency.

Each splash echoed slightly, or maybe that was just my imagination.  Either way, it was strangely comforting.

bedtime terror
I pulled the blanket closer, tucking it under my chin.  The darkness was suffocating, surrounding me with no relief.  I close my eyes and pretend it’s not there.  Much good that it does me.

Instead, I listen to the dripping water.  I try to match my breathing to it, but it’s dripping too quickly.  I’ll never be able to sleep trying to breathe like that.  I slow it down.  Slow, deep breathes; counting drips in and out. 1, 2, 3, 4, hold for 1, 2, 3, 4, out 1, 2, 3, 4.

I can feel my body begin to relax as my heartbeat slows.  And still I worry.

Am I alone?  Will they come back for me tonight?  If they do, will they at least let me get some sleep before disturbing me?  God, please, I just want some sleep!

Starting over with my breathing, I try to think of happier things.

Picnicking in the part with Andrew.  Throwing the Frisbee for him and laughing as he races after it and catches it with a flying leap.  He’s very agile for his age.

Bologna sandwiches, with American cheese and just a touch of mustard. On homemade white bread.

A tall glass of lemony ice tea with a lemon wedge for extra lemony flavor and round ice cubes. Round ice cubes always remind me of Grandma and her homemade ice cream.  I’m not sure why they connect in my memory, but they do.

The warm softness of the blankets covering me, though it is late May.  The pillow cupping my head is nothing short of divine, not too soft and not too firm.  The pleasant scent of the lavender sachet I have on the bedside table to help me sleep.  It never helps, but I keep it there because I like the scent.

Suddenly I realize, the water has stopped dripping.  How long since it stopped?  In fact, I can hear nothing but the quiet buzzing of silence.

Then a sound, deafening in the stillness.  The creaking of my door as it unlatches and swings open.  Light leaks in, though I remember turning off all the lights.  A shadow falls on me.

They’re here.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

March Madness

One thing I don't miss about television is March Madness.  I'm sure things are a little different now since there are a bazillion different channels to watch, but I grew up with only 3 or 4 channels - it depended on the season as to how many signals came through; we got WNEP 16 better once the leaves had fallen off the tree.  And that meant each March when the basketball playoffs started...there was nothing else to watch.  While I enjoy watching basketball in person, I have never liked watching it on television. (give me hockey any day!)

I've been going through my own personal March Madness this year, and not because of anything on television.

Where to begin?

I guess the most important wrench in the waterworks has been the postponement of my foot surgery.  It was supposed to have been this past Wednesday, but the doctor’s office called me on Monday to say, “Not yet kiddo.”  That’s not what the nurse actually said, but it suffices for my dramatic storytelling!  Needless to say, I was a little upset.  And understandably so.  I mean, I was ready.  I’d been practicing on my crutches and was comfortable enough with them, although I hadn't tried the steps leading into our home yet.  I’d taken Monday and Tuesday off as vacation days not only for the full 8 hours of paid vacay, but also so I could have a few relatively less stressful/painful days and so I could wrap up a few loose items here at home.

BUT – I have to wait a couple weeks so that the doctor can get numbers from me concerning my blood sugar.  I don’t completely understand the connection of my blood sugar to my apparently super high risk of blood clots, but I agree with the doc – I don’t want to end up dying on the operating table!  So, I take my morning blood sugar as usual and record it; and in the evening I take it again 2 hours after my dinner and record that as well.  He says that he doesn't care what they are, he just needs to know what they are.  I did feel a little defeated since I had just gotten my 3-month blood sugar average back down to almost 7 after it had crept up to almost 9.

Of course, I could only wish that were my only problem I’ve faced this month.  Don’t we all?  Life has a way of throwing us several curve balls all at once.  I don’t know about you, but sometimes Life feels more like game of dodge ball.  Except in dodge ball you have a better chance of dodging because you can see where the thrower is trying to aim!

It does not surprise me that my strife this month has been in the area of relationships.  And Facebook.  Facebook is a wonderful tool, but sometimes like everyone else I spend too much time on it.  Which is why the one issue did surprise me.

I encountered trolling/bullying from one of my half-sisters.  Like many people these days, I come from a blended family.  Nothing complicated, there are no step-siblings.  My father had five children with his first wife, and five with his second (which is where I fit in). On the first day of my ibuprofen-free week before the surgery I thought I was going to have, I was having a rough day at work.  I have numerous joints that ache so I take the painkiller for more than just foot pain.  Knowing I have several friends on Facebook who would understand exactly what I was going through and would have encouraging  words, on my first break at work, I posted a simple status “every.thing.hurts”.

And I was right.  I did receive several encouraging replies.  I should have stopped reading when I was ahead.  Out of the blue, one of my half-sisters pretty much told me to suck it up.  Say what?  I wasn’t like I was whining about it, I was just stating a fact!  It was not a pleasant conversation and to be honest, her words – especially when she threatened to block me because she didn’t want a self-centered brat like me as a sister – cut deep.  Honestly, her words still hurt.  When I was young, I pretty much worshiped my older siblings. Not in a bad way, in the normal annoying younger sister way.  Two of them were more than a little guilty of spoiling me rotten, and this sister was one of those two.
So yeah.  Her words hurt.  A lot.  I've had more than one person tell me I handled the situation fine, but it doesn't feel it.  Especially since I unfriended her in an effort to protect myself from further meanness.  She can still see what I post publicly, which I've been doing a lot of recently.  If she wants to follow through on her threat to block me because I’m somehow embarrassing her or not living up to her standards – then she will have to do that herself.  While I understand what has happened, either because my “foot pain” posts were all Facebook ever showed her because of their separating Recent Stories and Top Stories, or her lack of understanding of that separation, or whether it’s due to her just not being online often enough and it was just bad timing, none of that excuses her bad behavior.  And while I certainly still love her, I do what I have to in an effort to protect myself.  If she trolls in somewhere else because of my decision to live ‘publicly’ on Facebook, then I’ll take that extra step and block her myself.

The other issue which has my Emotional OCD all tied up in knots is the church I haven’t been to in almost 7 years until just recently!  This is far more complicated than the previous issue.  At least there I can blame it on my sister being … well, too old and crotchety for Facebook.  Parts of me are still healing, even after 7 years, that I’m a little scared to even include it in this blog post.  People don’t like hearing bad things about a church, and they always pull out worn out lines, “Don’t touch God’s anointed” (God will punish you if you do!) and then come the judgment verses.  I was even told “Don’t judge someone just because they sin differently than you do.” And of course, “You can be 100% right and still be wrong.” Which really means, Yes, you're right but you're making waves and disturbing the status quo - so shut up.


I feel, whether rightly or not, that after 8 years of not attending this church regularly, nobody there has any reason to mention my name outside of ‘remember when Robin wrote that funny squirrel story and pastor read it before the congregation one Sunday and everybody laughed?’ type reminiscing.  And even though one of my younger brothers goes there, I don’t think the people there who know me really ought to be voicing any comparisons of the two of us.  Is what they said untrue?  No.  My brother is more laid back than I am.  And why wouldn't he be since he’s the youngest of the brood?  That’s really very simple and basic psychology.  Not that hard.  Do I tend to show my emotions more easily than my brother?  Uhm, in a public setting, yeah.  Always have, always will.  I really wish I could go back and record some interactions between me and my brother, what an eye-opener it would be for some people since we are always more relaxed at home amongst family. (in general)

So, since it was true, why does it bother me?  Because I know the negativity behind that ‘she’s emotional’ line.  While it could very well have been an innocent observation, I question it because of who said it.  This person and I have had contention between us for years, even when I attended the church and even though it was not always so.  Indeed, I once looked up to him and considered him an unofficial mentor.  But for many reasons that changed, and once again because I was not lining up with other people’s expectations of me, I was somewhat looked down upon.  One of many issues leadership had with me was my habit of living with my heart on my sleeve…which I thought I could do there since I felt safe.  I was easily moved to tears (maybe I had pent up sadness I’d never before been able to express?).

I also heard how one person (which means it was really more than just one) also feared I would make a scene the day of my brother’s baptism when I attended this past Sunday.  That one blew my mind.  Because this person doesn't know me well enough at all to base that fear on!  We may have had dinner together once when his family invited mine over, but to tell you the truth, I’m not even sure he was present that night.  Talk about another lifetime ago!  So this person who has never hung out with me, has never even had a conversation with me, was voicing this baseless fear.  He could only have been basing this on things he’s been told about me from other people.

Of course, I made the “mistake” of voicing my thoughts about it on Facebook.  I thought it was actually a very polite but pointed post myself.  But it brought about the judgement lines I mentioned above, and cost me at least two friends on Facebook.  Basically I’m supposed to overlook the fact that I feel as though my character is still being judged by people who no longer have that right, and they’re voicing it to others.  I guess it would be taking the high road.

Except, I’m really kind of tired of being intimidated into silence.  It is not wrong to speak truth, nor to express emotions.  If I am expected to forgive others for not being perfect, it really is only fair for the same courtesy to be extended to myself from them.  I will never see that happen, but it is a fair and reasonable expectation to have of people.  It is also a reasonable expectation that people who profess believing in the prophetic gifting of Christians to actually listen to the words coming out of their mouths.

See, this is the irony of this situation.  The last few years that I was there, one of the prophetic words given to me, by a person in leadership, was how I was like an iceberg.  In short, there's more to me than meets the eye and people judged me by the small portion they could see, not realizing just how deep of a person I was.  Was this “word” really for me, or perhaps for the leadership who had counted me out in many ways?  Same with the ‘dormant volcano” word, although in that case it was a word given to me out of state and I should have shared it with the people who had authority and influence in my life at the time.  That’s my error.  And then there was the prayer over me about thinking deep thoughts; prayed by the pastor of the time.  A case of “careful of what you pray for”?  Maybe.  All I know is that God tried His best to get them to listen, but they would not hear.

When you look into a broken mirror,
your image will be distorted.  Don't
let others' opinions of you, distort your image.
So here I am.  Back to constantly second guessing what I post online, on Facebook and even here.  Feeling as though I've screwed up ‘like usual’.  Feeling as though doing the best that I can isn't good enough.  Really?  Really.  Problem is, I know I’m good enough…I know that my best is all God asks for…and I know I am nobody’s doormat.

I promise my future posts will contain less person issues, as I've got some great ideas sitting in drafts.  It’s a good thing I have 9 more months to complete my New Year’s resolution of getting all my drafts published this year!  My third book is currently at a standstill, but it is never far from my thoughts and I look forward to telling you all about it when it is progressing again.  My second novel is available for Nook now too, and near the end of April the first one will be going back on it as well.  I continue to look into other avenues to get my books to people who want to read them.

If nothing else, I am persistent!  I also promise to post sooner than a month’s time.  Until next time!!

Monday, February 9, 2015

Bits and Pieces

I got this....
One of my goals at the beginning of the year was to tighten up my blogging.  To get a posting schedule written down with topic ideas.  About that...haven't gotten that far yet.  Obviously.  So far, when it comes to social media, the one goal I've managed to keep has been posting to Twitter more frequently!  It might not be the best medium to sell books, but it's fun!

Not that I haven't been thinking about blogging.  But my mind is filled with clutter and it doesn't seem to want to settle down on any one subject.  So for this post I'm just going to write until something comes together and will probably delete these first few paragraphs and rewrite the beginning.  If they are still here, and you are reading them, please accept my apology!!

So many things.

And the thing is, it's not all bad stuff.

My mother-in-law had a change of heart about my first novel.  She had previously dubbed it boring.  It hurt a little, but I knew from the get-go that it's not going to be a novel for everyone.  In fact, it was originally intended to be "Christian fiction" and you can tell.  But after having it set so long in my email, I wasn't in the mood for a massive rewrite and just went through and tweaked a few things, turned up the sexual heat from what it had been and changed the ending.  I changed the ending a lot.  But she sent me a text the other morning saying she'd hit the part where the character's had gotten married and Angela, the female lead, had been kidnapped.  That's when she was hooked I guess.  I'll agree the first book does get off to a slow start.  I decided to leave it as it was because I intend to show how their beliefs change through different life events in following novels.  The sequel has a completely different feel, I think, and it's because of my own personal growth as well as the changes wrought in them because of the kidnapping.

Harper Lee is going to have another book published.  You know her, she's the author of To Kill A Mockingbird.  Seriously, how cool is this?  I did just read an article addressing the fact that there are some people concerned that she's being taken advantage of (she's in her 80's).  But I don't think that's a worry, I hope I'm not wrong.  From the first article I read, this second novel predates Mockingbird and she wanted it published but the publishers of that day told her to focus more on Scout's flashbacks and Mockingbird was born.  I think this is marvelous find and wish it had come about sooner!  I'm sure Ms. Lee had her reasons for not publishing another book, but as with all women, she's allowed a change of mind.  Especially since it's already a number 1 best selling book!  I'm not surprised she thought the manuscript lost, I was cleaning out some old computer disks before our computer changed and discovered all sort of neat things I'd forgotten about!  I know I'll never find my old Star Wars fanfiction novel; that was destroyed a long time ago and a subject for another day.  I'm glad Ms. Lee's manuscript was found.

And now, it's Saturday, the 7th, just after 6pm and this post is far from done.

I should have been writing early this morning when my husband was still asleep, but since he's not a Trekkie, I decided to watch the last Star Trek movie, Into Darkness.  I know, I know, I should have written first and then watched, but as it was he woke up and I stole off to have some real life romance.

Winter is getting to me.  The cold and the snow and the threat of even more snow (and ice).  I know it's a necessary part of the cycle of nature and seasons, but my God I am tired of it.  I'm cold, and not just because I work in a refrigerator!

And now, it's Monday morning, just after 6am.  Usually I am at work at this time, but the icy conditions made me rethink work and I stayed home instead.  I've seen a few reports on Facebook how some people have been told to stay home by state road workers, so I kind of feel validated about my decision to call off.

Instead of going back to bed, I've been up on the internet.  Facebook, Twitter, reading different articles, looking for pics to slap quotes on, playing Clash of Clans, working on this post.  I've already started my next post for Broads of a Feather.  My recent posts there have just not been very good recently, so I'm giving myself a head start in the hopes that it'll give me the extra push I need.  This way there's no rush.  Granted, I'll be sharing my own personal struggle with writer's block, but since I know I'm not alone in this struggle it won't be too hard.  All one has to do is Google the term to find a plethora of links about it.  I've already read some interesting articles about it, and bookmarked more for later.

I also managed to get some work done on my third novel.  I was a little frustrated with my husband, as he began to play chess and Halo Wars in the evening...right about the time I go to bed.  While I can't write for the life of me while he's playing GTA, I can when he's playing Wars.  But he had a good reason I guess, his playing partner doesn't get on until the late afternoon and evening because of work.  I laughingly told him that we needed to get our schedules synced.  It all worked out.

I moved an entire scene to earlier in the novel, which will change the entire dynamics of the antagonists.  I'm still working on showing the ending of Ring of Fire from other characters' perspectives, mainly Kevin and the demon called Beast (whose "real" name we get to learn in the new book).  So I'm bopping back and forth to make sure I'm sticking to what's already written.  I did find another typo I hadn't caught yet, the bane of every writer lacking an editor!  From my one friend's report, I did a better job this second time around so there's that much.  If only it didn't cost so much to hire an editor.  I know one girl I could hire, but if memory serves she charges $4 a page...which adds up when you write a 400+ page novel!  I haven't gotten to the point where I even make that much off of sales.  Yet.

On that note, I'm going to slap some images in this post and change gears.  I'm going to find a second cup of coffee and get back to novel writing.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Short Note About Grief

Like I posted on Broads of a Feather earlier today, today is a hard day.

I had wanted to get a post on here this week as well, I have so many ideas of things to write.  But my heart isn't in it today.  It is heavy and sad.

Please, take a moment out of your day to let your loved ones know that you love and appreciate them.  You never know when it'll be too late.  Life really is over in the blink of an eye.  Take time to appreciate each moment.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Happiness in a Jar 2015

So as I blogged a year ago, I was going to keep track of the things in daily life that made me happy.  I will be honest, I failed to do this for the entire year.  I'm not sure what happened, but somewhere in the middle of the summer I just stopped putting things in every day.  I never even got around to decorating it like I wanted to.
Still looks like this...

I went through what was in there the other night, reading some of them out loud for my husband's enjoyment.  There were a few random entries for July and August, but for the most part June was the last month I was placing slips of paper into it.

It was amusing.  Not sure if my husband would agree with that.  I suspect I may have been annoying him a little bit since he was playing GTA V, but he never told me to stop so I didn't.  I could also be wrong as he can be a bit hard to read during this game.

Anyway, I marked down how many times certain things were repeated.  Because, well, I thought it would interesting to see what won out.  And it would help make this post even more interesting.  It turns out, it was very revealing about myself.

I knew I had put in several times about receiving affection from my husband,  What can I say?  I like his touch and it makes me happy and content!  BUT - oddly enough, it ranked third...and only beat our reading and writing by about 4.  Of course, I mainly wrote down physical affection, hugs, kisses and the like.  If I add in other kinds of affection, like him helping with chores, then that would put it in the lead.  Like the time he brought me junk food and wine because he knew I wasn't feeling good (read: depressed).

Which leads into the second place winner in this little happy contest.  Food.  I've known for a long time that I "feed my emotions", but seeing the numbers was a little unsettling.  Granted, some of those times were commenting about how we had been treated out somewhere, usually Chinese.  But still, there was one day I wrote down "Peanut Butter Cups".  I think Oreos got a mention too.  I am already watching what I eat this year, trying to get my blood sugar stabilized again and my weight down.  I am going to be having surgery on my foot soon and the doctor already told me he is expecting me to actively be losing weight at the time of the surgery.  I'm also going to try to focus on less food related happiness.  Given how tight our finances are at the moment (the reason for the GoFundMe link in the side of the blog), such treats are going to be few and far between for a while anyway.

Sadly, what came out on top, was how many time I commented on not having to work.  There were quite a few 'short days', even if it was 8.5 hours instead of 9.  Several days when we just didn't work, either Saturday or when they "darkened" us on a Monday.  It emphasized to me just how unhappy I am in my present job.  Not a surprise, but it was enough to make me think about it.  I know I'd like to go back to school for something. but again, given our finances, now isn't the best time.  Maybe in the fall once Mr. Janney and I have healed up from our torn tendons and are back to working fulltime.

Hopefully, you'll be seeing more of me this year.  One of my goals this year is to be more consistent with my blogging and social media.  I'm not off to a great start, but there is a lot of year left still.  We might not all be off to a great start, but there is plenty of time for that to change. (keeping fingers crossed).  I have been on Twitter more this year, not tweeting anything too inspirational I'm afraid, but nothing negative either.  Just getting into the habit of looking and saying something.  I've also been working on photo's to share.

And when it comes to the Happiness Jar, I'm off to another good start.  I've moved it to a more visible spot, got two small pads of paper to write on and plenty of pens.  I wonder what I'll learn about myself this year?

Did you do a happy jar last year?  Did you do better than I and stick with it?  I'd love to hear about it!