Robin's Trying to Write

 

This picture wasn't taken today,
but ironically I'm wearing the same shirt

Forever trying to write.

Sometime I actually do get something written.

I count writing blog posts as writing.

I count scribbling scene starts for my WIP (work in progress) as writing.

I'm at the point where I count staring at the screen for an hour and then changing a sentence from yesterday as writing.

Things are awkward at the moment because I'm sharing my laptop with my husband. He's been using it for gaming so it's in the game room at his desk and when I want to use it, I don't want to be bothered with moving it back to my desk. And his desk chair is decidedly uncomfortable.

It's an old chair, something we got at a thrift store years ago. It swivels, and rocks. There's something off in the rocker, and it clicks just like my bad knee does...almost as loud as my knee too.

I'm so close to finishing the third book in my series, but it's been like pulling teeth. Not just to find my laptop free, but to get the words out of my head and onto the screen. Which is why I've resorted to writing in a notebook when Mr. Janney is playing a game. It helps jostle things when I got o transcribe later.

He tells me that all I ever have to do is let him know when I want the laptop and he'll let me have it. I've tried explaining that sometimes I just can't focus long enough to write. Not sure what the problem is exactly.

But I have been inching closer and closer to the end. I'm a little worried, because it's not going to end with a traditional Happily Ever After ending. Something I'm told Romances are required to have. I've never considered the series strictly Romance, so I'm not sure if the ending would be forgivable.

Although I'm not sure who would be in charge for that forgiveness; I don't know who decides these things. Things will end on a happy note in the romance romance department for the main characters, but not necessarily for some of the side characters. And it's a series, so there has to be a hook for the next book.

I'm probably worrying about nothing.

I hope I'm worrying about nothing.

Whose Voice is it Anyway?

 

One of my new winter hats

I hope you can forgive the cutesy title, and that Whose Line doesn't sue me for trademark infringement! I've been watching so much Whose Line is it Anyway before bed that they've crept into my dreams, and let me tell you - those comedians on Chopped would be hilarious! They were a riot in my dream!

Obviously, the voice I'm trying to regain and exercise is my own.

So much of my life is spent silent and mute. Even when I'm part of a conference call between two other drivers, I spend most of my time just listening. I'm not sure if I honestly don't have anything to contribute to the conversation, or if I'm just too tired to get a word in edgewise. What would it tell you though, if I were to say that I'm the only female on this phone call? Although to be fair to both men, it's hard having a 'fair' conversation between more than two people.

I mean, we've all been in conversations where the talk just kind of flows around us. And even if we try to say something, or tell a story, all too often we're interrupted...and no one even notices. 

Most of the time, instead of on the phone with these two drivers, I'd much rather be listening to an audiobook. Even though one is my husband.

I've been far too introspective since the last audiobook I listened to. "Finding Me" by Viola Davis. When a friend suggested that I use an old journal to write my memoirs, I balked at first because - well, I didn't really know what a memoir was. Even after I looked up the dictionary definition, I still wasn't sure. So I decided that maybe I should read some. Or in my case listen to them, since the bulk of my 'reading' is listening to audiobooks while I drive. So far, I've listened to two. At least, I think "Not Just Me" by Lisa Jakub counts as a memoir. Maybe not.

Either way, Viola Davis convinced me that someday I should write a memoir someday. Her story made me feel less alone, and even though I'm nobody famous, I like to think that my memoir would make someone else feel less alone too. Even though my story isn't all that unique or terrible, it's still my story.

Just another thing to put on my list of things to write.

Why Start Blogging Again?

Especially if all I'm going to do is unload my emotional baggage instead of giving you updates on my writing?

To get my voice working again.

More Venting

 

As I mentioned in my previous post, my health has been giving me some issues this past year. From a knee scope in January just to be told I need to lose weight before I can have a needed total replacement done, to thyroid meds working overtime. I even fell over a month ago and because I didn't want to land on that bad knee, I tried going down on an angle and instead managed to sprain that knee.

I've been diagnosed with IBS. We've been playing with my diabetic meds, some of which play havoc with the digestive system so it's twice as much fun.

The irony of this, is that one of the many reasons I wanted to switch to driving local was to get a handle on my health issues. It is very hard to eat healthy driving over the road; not impossible, but I was not managing well. When there's a constant push to keep the truck moving, fast and easy was the usual go-to. My sugars were running high, and I was gaining weight.

And then I came home and my knee began bothering me, making both issues harder to manage. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. My self talk has gotten horrendous. I can't seem to stop eating, self medicating the depression, so I've begun asking myself if the food is worth my life ... literally asking myself 'Do you want to die?' every time I go for something sweet. It doesn't help.

To be honest, I'm sick of vegetables. I take a baggie of raw veggies along with me when I drive, and by the second or third day - I just can't stand them anymore. And I'm taking veggies I like and/or can tolerate. There have been many weeks that by the end, I'm just carting the baggie around. I'll eat the small bag of snacks I've brought, pita crackers and nuts, and  my protein bar, and that'll be it.

I'm also tired of cooking and meal prep in general. But I'm the only one here that will cook, so If I don't make something, we're gonna go hungry. I have a hard time standing for any length of time, so I make a lot of quick meals that I don't need to stand over the stove for. (looking at you Pampered Chef Quick Cooker) But even that is trying my patience.

I've begun going to the local bariatric center for diet help. But I don't feel like I'm being heard, so I don't know.

For so many reasons I can't go into online, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

A Year Later

Here I am  opening up blogger to try and write a new post finding out that it's been a whole year since I've posted something. Almost to the day!

And as usual, I have no idea what to write. My original idea vanished as soon as I saw the date of my last post because it was like, no I can't just start talking about ... well, anything after all that silence.

I have the same problem with my blog that I do with my YouTube channel ... I'll have all these great ideas in my head, and then as soon as I turn on the camera or the computer, it all goes POOF.

Not sure what my hang-up is, depression mixed with pain probably. Between the arthritis in my knee, my lower back, my shoulder, and my Achilles tendons, I feel like I take a bath in Voltaren gel. An ineffective bath at that.

I take prescription meds for both the depression and the arthritis, but sometimes I feel like they cancel each other out. When the pain doesn't go away, it's hard to feel peppy and motivated and shit like that. Mr. Janney commented yesterday that it looked like I was walking better...and what I should have said out loud was "That doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt, I've just learnt how to compensate."

And that's what it boils down to. Learning how to live with the pain and the depression so that I can remain a functioning adult because life shows no mercy for anyone ... oh wait, it's Cobra Kai that show no mercy ... no, no, I'm sure it's life ... lol

I can't tell if I'm feeling sorry for myself ... or if I'm legit overwhelmed and in need of help. Maybe I just need fully caffeinated coffee. In the summer, I had to go through some hoops to pass my yearly physical for my CDL because the doctor thought my resting heartrate was too fast. Had to go through a battery of tests just to determine that my thyroid meds were doing too good of a job! Better safe than sorry, but one of the things I've tried incorporating in my life to keep my heart rate lower is less caffeine ... and let me tell you, life without caffeine is no joke. When I say that, keep in mind that during my work week my 'get your ass out of bed' alarm goes off at the ungoldy hour of 1:30AM! Even if I've managed to get to bed by 5PM, and asleep before 6, it's still hard as heck to stay awake driving that early.

And yes, I see that spelling error up above and am deliberately leaving it in there. ;)

Okay, enough venting for now. I'm going to publish this, then work on another post for later.

Indie Woes

Hi All!

I've been working on making my first two novels available in hardcover through Amazon. I only just realized this was possible a few weeks ago. And let me tell you, it isn't a simple matter of just uploading the same file I used for the paperback and E-version. No, of course not! That file has too many pages for the size I'd chosen - imagine that.

So I chose the next size up, found a pre-formatted word file for that size and did a Copy/Paste from the current file to the new one. Annnnnd that simple change messed up the formatting. So I've been proofing and fixing The Farmer's Daughter for the past few days. One little change leads to another.

And another reason why I hate proofing and formatting is I get caught up in the story. Even though I've read through it a bazillion times, I'll see the words and go 'oh, I love this part...' I lose more time that way than any other.

But I have managed to finish the file for Farmer's. I have Amazon working on a physical proof copy for me even though I ALSO need a newer file for the book cover, I have the order put in for that as well but for the time being I have a temporary cover cobbled together through Amazon's 'Create a Cover' program.

I don't know that a hardcover version is actually needed, but the last three books I've managed to buy recently have been hardcover so I know there's still some kind of market for them even though they're more expensive. I love the convenience of Ebooks, but I also love the feel of either a hardcover or paperback in my hand.

I know, I know. I should be focusing on the 3rd book in the series. I swear though, my husband has some kind of radar that detects when I'm trying to work on anything related to my writing and for some reason he thinks that's a good time to need me to do something else. And it's never anything FUN. Never anything ROMANTIC. Always something else.

Like, 'have you researched health insurance yet?' or 'have you ordered a new camera for the security system?' He has NO idea that these are not simple tasks. Ugh. I know we need to so something for health insurance. The crap we have through work is NOT good. I just dropped over $200 at the drug store the other day, for 4 prescriptions. And I have more than 4 total prescriptions (I'm a hot mess, remember?)

At any rate, I'll be switching to The Ring of Fire files so I can do the same for it. Since Bigger than the Beetles is still 'not quite done' hopefully that won't be quite as frustrating.

Keeping it short and sweet for now.

Until next time, stay safe peeps.

Robin Janney

Two Steps Forward...

 And one step back. That's how the old saying goes, right? Or is it one step forward and two steps back? Or maybe, the farther ahead I get, the farther behind I fall?

That last is the sentence I've expressed to my husband most frequently the past couple of months. I'm not sure why I thought changing to a local driving job would make my life easier, because I sure was wrong. When we were being recruited, we were told that most of the runs would be 10-11 hours or less, and in the beginning they were. But as the company has been growing and adding runs, more and more we're being stuck with runs that come close to running our 14-hour clock out.

For those who don't know, a truck driver has two clocks they need to be mindful of during their day. A 14-hour clock, which is the amount of time we can be On Duty - from the time we 'clock in' to the time we 'clock out' for the day. During that time period, we can only drive on the roads for 11-hours, the other clock we have to be aware of. Driving on customer properties don't count against the 11-hour clock if we remember to change the status on our log. A local driver can utilize a 3rd clock once a week if needed, and that would be a 16-hour clock - which only adds to how long we can be considered on the clock, but not to how many hours we can drive. Twice now I've been pushed into using that 16-hour clock, and both times due to circumstances beyond my control I was illegal. One day was almost 17 hours long, so I took the next day off.

Honestly, I was doing fair before that first 16 hour day. I say fair because I've been struggling with torn cartilage in one of my knees since before that.  I get a cortisone shot this afternoon to tide me over until my crappy health insurance can get around to authorizing a different shot treatment. "Fair" may be a slight exaggeration, but even though I was in pain I still had energy and wanted to do things. Ever since that first too long day, I've been plagued with low energy. It may have more to do with the pain in my knee, but for whatever reason I connect the fatigue to that day.

I've been struggling with writing, formatting, and remembering things. I'm still not sure what I wanted to talk to Mr. Janney a few days ago, but hopefully it wasn't anything important. That could be brain fog, but who knows?

My endocrinologist has been changing and adjusting my meds, so it's possible that none of this has anything to do with work - or not as much. Because let's be honest, the hours they work truck drivers are a bit insane. But anyways, the Endo added a thyroid med, changed one of the shots I take for my diabetes and when that failed to do as good of a job, she added another. I legit have a string of alarms in my phone to remind me when to take my meds...and I still forget the shots once in a while. I am one hot mess!

But I keep plugging away. I have no choice! Life keeps demanding my attention.

That's enough venting for today. I've been quiet online recently because no one likes a whiner, even when the whiner has legit reasons for their whining. But I refuse to sugarcoat things online because I believe in being 'real' online. Bites me in the butt sometimes, but hey - that's life, right? I don't believe in sharing everything, but when I do share I want it to be honest. As honest as I can be when I self-edit my language and eliminate all the 'lols' I want to add...lol!

If you're reading this, then I've decided to hit publish. I'm not sure yet, especially since at this point I don't have any photos thrown in to catch the eye and break up the reading blocks. Pictures are always so much work to add in because for some darn reason they mess up the formatting and I have to work harder to fix it...which, if you're reading this, I gave up and the goofy formatting errors around the Shutterstock photos will just add to the charm today!

Stay safe, my peeps.