The Thing About Depression

The thing about depression is: it's different for everyone. And yet, the same.

I recently said to someone, "I don't know why, but I'm really struggling with depression right now." His reply, "Why?"

My internal scream echoed in the heavens. Ok, that's a bit dramatic, but I wasn't impressed. It was asked in dead seriousness too, it wasn't a joke. Coming from Mr. Janney, it could have been a joke. Kind of like the lame, "huh?" we toss back and forth when we joke about not being able to hear something. But it wasn't. I love him, but he's not always the most...sensitive.

Why am I depressed? Damned if I know. It's not like depression announces itself and says, "I'm here for a visit, hope you don't mind but you've been far too happy recently."

My precious

It may be chemical. Something is off with my meds or my diet or the lack of exercise that comes with the job. On strictly driving days, I can log over 600 miles even with my bathroom breaks. That's a lot of sitting in one position!

It may be circumstantial. The stress of the pandemic even though it effects me differently than others (my job means I don't get a lot of time at home even in the best of times!) The stress of the winter weather we've had to deal with so far. The stress of not being able to write recently - which is a symptom of depression for me, which only makes the depression worse. The stress of: this, that, and everything in between!

It may be the time change. Or Seasonal Affective Disorder. It may be a combination of everything!

When I'm depressed, I watch a lot of television and movies. Especially ones that don't require a lot of thinking, namely reruns. When at home, I'll binge watch whatever is on...Criminal Minds, NCIS, Star Trek. There's less stress knowing what's coming ahead of time. 

Beautiful...
But that fog is thick enough to hide a mountain

M*A*S*H always makes me feel - makes me laugh and makes me cry. Sometimes both in the same episode.

Part of me is frustrated because I know Mr. Janney has had his own struggles with depression. But like I said in the beginning, no matter how alike it is, it is different for each of us.

When I was discussing this with one of my doctors, she pointed out that not only is depression different from person to person, but depressive episodes for an individual can vary each time. I was complaining to her how frustrated I was because it's not like this is the first time I've ever had a major depressive episode. She encouraged me to do exactly this, write things down in my blog, even if I don't publish it.

Just writing this releases something in me. Heck, even the last post I did and working on the next one I have scheduled was enough to crack the sorrow in me. Although I am cynical enough to wonder how long it will last. I've already swung up and down a couple times during this home time. I'm not even sure if I'll post this (if you're reading this, I decided to and was too lazy to take this sentence out).

I also sleep a lot when I'm depressed. A common enough ailment. But hey, I'm on home time and there's no where to go so why not? And I'm making up for all that lost sleep from being on the road. America really needs to fix their roads!

All that to say I'm wrapping this up and heading to bed. I'll even light my candles for a few minutes because they make me happy. Even though they make me sneeze too.

Peace!

p.s. - playing around with different fonts. thoughts on this one? I've also changed the color scheme. thoughts?

is anyone out there? lol