Here We Are Again

The candle holder says 'Dream'
A gift from my mother.

Here we are again. At the end of a year and at the cusp of a new one. A time to reflect on the past year, and a time to look forward with hope.

We've completed one more circle around that brilliant yellow orb in the sky and what do we have to show for it? A few more pounds, perhaps. Fewer dollars. But life goes on, right?

It most certainly does.

This past year has been a hard one for me emotionally. I gave up on my dreams of having my own children when I had my surgery back in March. While it was medically needed, it was still a hard thing for me to deal with. The finality of it all...coupled with the knowledge that even without the surgery, pregnancy was never going to happen for me...was a bitter pill to swallow. Mr. Janney and I have not ruled out adoption, but if we do it is a someday issue. Most likely we will remain that crazy aunt and uncle.

It has been a year of uncertainty as we struggled with jobs that ended at the 'wrong time' and schooling that didn't start at the 'right time'. But - we still have a roof over our head, and food on the table, so things aren't as bad as they've felt. I mean hey - Thanos snapped his fingers and we didn't disappear, so things can't be that bad, right?

The future is even more uncertain. Mr. Janney and I have our road retest January 3rd (we failed that part a few weeks ago). We're both feeling confident that this time we'll pass. We each failed some of our permit tests the first time around, and then nailed them the second time around. Like I told my 'doppelganger' Robyn at Sage - our timing has been 'off' all year, but it seems to be working out so, hey - there must be a reason. We're just going with the flow at the moment.

So, I've been using the time until then to work on my novels. My final edit of the revised Farmer's Daughter is complete and I just need to implement the corrections. Ring of Fire will be right behind it. Then I can pour everything into Bigger Than the Beetles. And try to decide whether I have enough ideas for a 6th novel in the series based on a dream I had the other night. We'll see. (If I do, it'll be called 'Full Dragon')

Sometimes I worry that I write too long of a story. My word counts come in near to the same length as Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring....yes, I've googled this. At least I am nowhere near the word count of Eye of the World or any of Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time novels...I'm not sure I'd have any kind of fan base if I did that. Well, it's only one person who has complained about the length of the story and it's a person whose opinion I value so it's a bit of a struggle sometimes. On the other hand, I think it would make a great tv series, so there's that much.

I guess, better wrap this up for now. Just checking in with you all to remind you I'm still working at my stories amid life's uncertainty. I hope you've all had a pleasant enough holiday season and that it wraps up without incident next week as the current year blends into the new one.

Stay safe and much love!

Grinding Less Gears

Happy Thursday everyone!

One of my hangups what I first drove the big rig on the road was an overdose of anxiety/worry. We've all seen pictures of accidents with tractors and trailers. I know up close what can result because three of my brothers have had accidents with their rigs. So I've been a little paranoid about it. But then I happened across this tweet from Donnie Wahlberg (AKA Danny Reagan on Blue Bloods)

worrying?

there is nothing to worry about.

worries are fearful thoughts of the past or future. neither of which exist in the present moment.

take a beat. take a breath.

then, take a moment to consider all you have to be grateful for in this moment.

you got this. all is well.

— Donnie Wahlberg (@DonnieWahlberg) December 5, 2018

I'm not going to quibble on the differences between anxiety and worry. Because this tweet helped me realize that as long as I'm focusing on the moment while I'm driving the tractor and trailer, then I'm being the safest and that goes a long way!! I can't control other drivers, just myself and as long as I'm controlling my rig, then I have a better chance of being able to react safely to just about anything.

Like I told Mr. Janney the other day - "I've got my Wonder Woman panties on, so I've got this!" I have the heart and spirit of an Amazon Warrior, just not the body! Aside from Avenger's Endgame, the next Wonder Woman movie is probably my most anticipated upcoming movie that just cannot get here fast enough!

Our skills/road test is next Tuesday, and nerves aside I think Mr. Janney and I will do just fine. We have three more 'practices' before then, two on the road and one more for the range to practice our maneuvers.

Until next time - much love and be safe!

Grinding Gears

It's been a while. I feel like I've been grinding gears...I'll begin a blog post, have to save it to walk away and do something else - and then never get back to finishing it! Like this one - I don't remember when I started it...

But I'm finishing it today.

In the middle of November, Mr. Janney and I started Truck Driving School. We had two weeks of intense classroom study - intense because they're trying to shove all this information into us in a short amount of time. Their main goal is to help us pass the road test, so it's really only scratching the surface of everything we'll need to learn. Whichever company we end up driving for will have a 4-6 week training/orientation period to train us in their preferred method for things like paperwork.

what my days off have looked like...

We've both had 4 out of 11 'drives'...Mostly in their range - which is a parking lot that could stand to be a hair bigger when there are two drivers in there each trying to learn the backing maneuvers. Backing up was always my biggest weakness when I was a school bus driver years ago, and it is still my biggest weakness. I can almost hear my old boss saying 'if you have to back up, don't do it - but if you have to, picture me in the mirror scowling at you...'

It is a thousand times different in a combination vehicle because the far end of the trailer goes the opposite direction of your steering wheel. I haven't been able to wrap my head around it completely yet, but each time in the practice yard it gets a little easier. Back at that part tomorrow morning bright and early.

Last night we 'practiced' out on real roads. As my brother said on Facebook, once you're on the road, it isn't practice anymore - it's for real. The first part of the night was 'easy' enough...they have some roads that don't get a lot of travel that form a loop and they kept us on that for about an hour, though they had us switch direction in the middle of that. Then 'well, do you want to get out of here and try some real roads?'

Sure. why not?

I'm not sure exactly where I was, just that I was in Binghamton NY somewhere. The streets seemed sooooo tiny and cramped! The turns even more so. There was one time, I slid into the 'straight' lane...to have people slide into the 'left turn only' lane to pass me!!! I realize the speed limit was 30mph, but with all the traffic lights, there's no way anyone should be doing that speed through that section. Oh well, I was doing as I was supposed to and they were the ones breaking the law and putting our lives in danger.

I don't have a plan yet for how to handle my writing and blogging and the like when I'm on the road as a professional driver. It's going to be something I'm going to have to make up as I go and I hope all my fans will be patient with me as I figure things out. You've all waited so long for a new book, but I promise you that it will be worth the wait.

Going to end now so I can run through the things I need to remember for the pre-trip inspection.

Until next time, much love!

Wordless Wednesday 11-14-2018

Wordless Wednesday Nov 7, 2018

Wordless Wednesday Oct 31, 2018

Wordless Wednesday Oct. 24, 2018

To be continued............

What's the Deal?

If you follow me on either Facebook or Twitter, you may have seen my pics where I've been showing off a couple of tiara's that I bought myself. And you may be wondering...why?

The shortest answer would be: Because I wanted to. But that would hardly make much of a blog post, now would it?

They popped up on one of the shopping apps I have on my phone, and since they were cheap and I had the money, I made the purchase. I thought to myself, why not? Jo March in Little Women had her writer's cap complete with a feather in it, why can't I have a writing tiara? Especially since sparkles make me happy?

Josephine March is probably one of my favorite literary heroines. I easily identified with her growing up. We were both writers, both women who didn't fit the typical female stereotype...although I wasn't quite the tomboy Jo was, I certainly had similar growing pains as a woman.

When your mom tells you to smile...

It may seem silly to some. They are free to have their own opinion and I thank them for keeping it to themselves. Where I am at in my depression, I will do whatever silly little thing I want to bring myself even the smallest amount of happiness. Especially since my husband says I look good in a tiara and thinks I should have worn my star and moon one to a recent wedding; he doesn't understand how that could be seen as upstaging the bride, and I didn't want to do that as I would like my new sister-in-law to actually like me someday.

Another thing I have done just to make myself happy would be increasing the Christmas decorations on my writing desk. It's October and some people think Christmas should stay hidden until December - or at the very least the end of November after Thanksgiving. They too are free to have their own opinion, but Christmas is my favorite holiday. So. It's not like I've put up a Christmas tree, just a few empty candy tins and a lit up house. And a sparkly angel. And the decorative tree I leave up all year. Just a few items that bring me happiness.

It's not going to make me a better writer, but I'll settle for happier. At least, less depressed. I've switched up when I'm taking my thyroid meds to ensure that they're being taken on an empty stomach. I was being very careless about that when I was taking them before bed, so I'm hoping once I adjust to the new morning time that my depression will ease up. If not, then I'll have to talk to my doctor about other options.

Because the depression I've been dealing with recently has been crazy! I'm going to blame it on the change of life hormones triggered by the loss of my ovaries. Sounds good to me, even though depression is something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. I even logged into the Suicide Prevention chat line one night, just because I wanted someone to talk to...but there were 74 people in line ahead of me so I decided to just write a poem, eat my last fudgesicle and go to bed. I'm not sure that I felt any better the next day, but I am today so there is that much.

The wedding cake tower at my
brother's wedding last Saturday.

I have been splitting my time between proofing and editing the first two books and writing new material in the third. I've found the easiest way to proof the PDF or Kindle version is on my smartphone so I can take screenshots and write my notes on the pic. I questioned our pricey purchanse of the Galaxy Note 8 earlier this year, but for me, they were well worth the purchase.

Some days I am pulled in one direction more than the other - I'll get caught up in editing one day, writing new the next. And life is still happening around me...places to go and people to see. Weddings to go to and doctor appointments. We are one day closer to going to truck driving school, with a few more things to tick off the 'to-do' list so it's paid for. And then I'll have another new schedule to adjust to!

But I will manage somehow and my books will be finished and released. I just don't have an exact day yet.

Wordless Wednesday 09-26-2018

Inspiration

The other day I was asked what inspired me to write.

Sheesh, I'm 42 --- how am I supposed to remember my original inspiration???

I was either in third or fourth grade when I decided I wanted to be an author.  I'm not sure which grade, because I have a very distinct memory of telling the third-grade teacher Mr. Burger how I wanted to be an author when I grew up because I had to repeat myself and change the word from author to writer because I must have had enough of a speech impediment that author came out sounding like Arthur.

But the fourth grade is when I really remember my first writing attempts. I forget the exact assignment, but I wrote a short story for it. It was in the vein of Trixie Belden mysteries I was reading about that time. I tried writing grownup characters, however, and Mr. Haflett gave me a grade in the B range for it (I don't remember if it was a B+, B, OR B- ...it was a looong time ago!!) How silly it must have been though, much like the Indiana Jones novelette I wrote much later.

I was also writing fan fiction in fourth grade. Airwolf, because I think I had a crush on Stringfellow Hawke AKA Jan-Michael Vincent. I remember getting in trouble with a couple of classmates because I had used their names (Sorry guys, I had crushes on you two too and didn't know what to do about it...what can I say? I was 9.) I'm just glad that not only have I matured enough to create original and unique characters...but have also learned to write better villains so I don't have to call them "Bad John" to let readers know they're the villain. Thank all the writing Gods for the Random Name Generators!!

And I never stopped writing.

Sometime after my father first started having trouble with his health (appendicitis led to scar tissue which led to obstructed bowels which led to him stroking out on the operating table) I was introduced to the Star Wars universe. It was a universe I could escape into and did so frequently. As well as the Star Trek universe and Indiana Jones. I worked on my Star Wars novel all through middle school and high school (I kept having to adjust it as new books began hitting the market in 1991.) I did complete it, a few months after graduating. And it was lost over time.

I always had story ideas when I was younger. Was constantly writing them down to get to someday (I don't even know what happened to those notebooks - things get lost every time you move). Then, it was a way to escape the seriousness of my existence. It was hard growing up with a sick father. It was just hard growing up and writing was my way of dealing with it.

There are other worlds in my head, and characters who fill them. A movie plays in my head with narration and if I don't write them down, they keep me up at night and distract me during the day. Of course, new scenes replace the written ones even as they're being written. They overlap and repeat and fall into order repeatedly.

Writing is the only way I can make sense of the madness in my head. Madness, anxiety, depression., pain, grief, insecurities, questions, and What-If?'s. Writing holds the monsters at bay, even if it doesn't tame them.

As Time Goes By

The New Colossus

By Emma Lazarus, 1883

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

I am struggling today, as many are. Many have more reason than I.

I lost no one I knew seventeen years ago. I was a couch observer, crying as people I did not know plummeted to their death as they tried to escape the horror of the burning building. Shocked beyond words, beyond tears as the Twin Towers fell. I'm not even sure I registered the attack on the Pentagon that day, or the crash in the Pennsylvania field, until much later.

What can I say to honor them today? What can I do? I feel compelled to do something, say something.

They are strangers to me. But I mourn for them as though they are family.

Perhaps on this one day, this is what we are. Family. Whether we lost someone we knew or not. Because we all lost something that day. Innocence, peace, security.

I cannot fathom how it has been seventeen years since...wasn't it just yesterday?

Wordless Wednesday 09-05-18

What's the Deal with the Daisies?

Symbolism can be a tricky thing sometimes.

Today I was asked whether the daisies in my stories represent love and fertility. To which I replied, 'no, childhood innocence'.

And then I googled it to make sure I knew what I was talking about! And learned we were both correct. The Anglo-Saxon symbolism, in a nutshell, is innocence and gentleness. In Norse mythology, they do indeed represent love, sensuality, and fertility.

Given how much the theme of childhood innocence runs in my novels, I think it's safe to say my intended symbolism is far more Anglo-Saxon than Norse. They are one of the flowers many country children pick for their mother's, probably next to dandelions and cornflowers. I didn't google that particular stat, because I'm just going by what my siblings and I gathered for our mother as children (although I'm fairly certain we used to pick her daffodils too)

They are associated almost solely with my female lead. They are the flowers Angela was picking for her mother to atone for fighting with her brother on the day he died, almost before her eyes. He didn't actually pass away until after he was in the ambulance and had been assured his sister was unharmed, but it is a fact Angela never learns and so lives believing she witnessed his death. It is the first step of her loss of innocence.

It was in a field of daisies Angela played in as a four-year-old when she was technically dead. When she met the Christ of my series. A gentle and kind man who played tag with her, let her crown him with a daisy chain, who spoke to her like she mattered -- kind of like how I always thought Mr. Rogers was talking to me as a child watching Mr. Roger's Neighborhood.

Daisies are the flowers Craig gives her while she is still in the hospital recovering from pneumonia. Upon seeing all the flowers others had already sent her, he felt guilty for not thinking of giving her flowers himself. So he asks her what her favorite flower is. And vows to keep in her fresh supply for the rest of her life, in part to make up for his awkwardness at the beginning of their relationship.

And it was again a field of daisies she was in as a new bride when Angela was in a coma after being abducted from in front of what was to be her new home with her husband. When Christ helps Angela come to the decision to return to the mortal realm, she asks him how to get back. He leads her to the edge of her 'reality', where the field of daisies blends into and is swallowed up by the desert of Craig's Dragon Dream. The lonely barren land where the Dragon hunts him and the only solace is the oasis that is Angela. At this point, Angela doesn't understand all this at this point...just knows that the barren desert is where she needs to go to be reunited with her love. So she willingly gives up the innocence of the field of daisies.

Driven home by the breaking of the vase of daises when her father slams the truck to a stop (in the middle of the infamous Simmons Crossroads). Confused by the world she returned to, Angela requests to be taken back to her family's farm to begin her recovery. And her father unthinkingly takes her home via the Crossroads, as it is the quickest route. It is close to the spot where the accident claiming her brother's life took place, as well as the crashing of the van carrying Angela...given that her heart stopped before they had her loaded in the ambulance, she did indeed die in this intersection. So, when her father takes this route - it triggers a violent flashback of the event in Angela. He doesn't notice right away, but when he does, he slams on the brakes and the vase of daisies fall and break.

Unlike my male lead, Craig, who lost his innocence pretty much all at once, Angela loses hers in stages. Some we learn about in The Farmer's Daughter (starting with the cold manner she learns she's adopted, to her brother's death) While other events are not so clear...for example - what happened at her senior prom? Because she definitely gives off mixed messages about it. Was her ex the one tormenting her in her apartment by moving things around? Who was watching her through the windows?

Those things aren't wrapped up neatly by the end of The Farmer's Daughter or even Ring of Fire...although we see more of her movement away from the innocent to the...not so innocent by the end of Ring of Fire. Which is probably why none of the daisies are in pristine condition in the pictures I take for possible book covers...life/nature is hard on innocence...with the exception of the three on the banner picture above.

I don't want to give away too many series secrets, so I'd better wrap this up!

Hopefully, The Farmer's Daughter will be ready for re-release soon. {Keeps fingers crossed}

Much love to all.

Wordless Wednesday 08-22-2018

Mom - quit taking my pic and take me outside...

When Words Fail

One of the hardest things for me to deal with when I'm depressed is when people ask me what's wrong.

Granted, the person in question is my husband, but he's not the first one to ever ask me this question when I've admitted to being depressed before.

Many people don't understand. Sometimes there is absolutely nothing wrong in a person's life when they're dealing with depression.

Other times...it's everything. Everything is wrong. And you know it's not really everything, it's just your perspective about everything...but that doesn't change your perspective, it just makes the depression worse because you feel it's your own damn fault. Which isn't true, and you know it's not true, but you can't convince yourself to FEEL that it's not true.

Because sometimes life is hard, other people fail you, things don't go as planned and everything you had all figured out suddenly needs to be rearranged and you have to start all over again. I guess better now than twenty years from now.

On the bright side, I have finished my re-write of my second novel. And my re-edit. I'm not ready to re-release the first two novels yet. I'm still frustrated with CreateSpace but I'll get it figured out. So...I'm going to let those two novels sit while I see how much of the third I can get hammered out before I need to shift gears in my life.

I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

Hope you all have a good week.

Much love.

p.s. I'm also very itchy. idk if it's the depression or if I'm having an allergic reaction to life

Slipping!

The road in front of the trailer park where I live
Nowhere near as bad as '11
When both lanes were shut down

I am slipping this week! I didn't even post my usual Wordless Wednesday. But then it's been an off week here.

Our area of the US received days of rain, which ended up resulting in flooding. Depending on location, it was either more or less severe than the floods of both 1972 and 2011 when Tropical Depression Lee waltzed through. The flood of '72 was the remains of Hurricane Agnes.

This year's flooding was not the result of anything like that...it was just a normal Low-pressure system that stalled over our region here in NY and PA. Every time I checked the radar for this storm, all the rain was doing was moving in a counter-clockwise spiral.

The worst part is, the storm stalled after other little storms had already moved through and left damage from flash-flooding. One area library had to close back in the beginning of August because of water damage. They hadn't even finished with the clean-up when this latest storm hit...and I was dismayed at what ended up happening to this library.

The building...washed out...into the road.

I don't like sharing pictures I haven't taken, so I've provided the link to a public Facebook post of the damage.

Bridges are out, roads are still closed.

I haven't gone out investigating, I have been content to stay out of the way and look at Facebook posts of other's less fortunate than I. C.P. Stringham has had to evacuate from her house several different times over the course of this crazy wet summer.

The only ones liking this weather!

On a personal note, my blood sugars are good enough that I have been given permission by my doctor to drop one of my meds. Next Sunday will be the last day I give myself the weekly shot I've been doing for a few months. Once I can get health insurance again, I can have my A1C numbers taken. I still have to take the two pills, but if the numbers stay good...things are looking good for more reductions. Mostly just being hyper-vigilant on the foods I eat and when I eat them.

Which means I dream about stupid things like making recipes my friends on Facebook share...like the Oreo filled, candy bar topped brownies. You'd think that would be the best place to indulge in forbidden foods right, right? Well, the worst part of the dream...was that I didn't even get to taste them! Better luck next time I guess!

Until next time, stay dry!

Much love! :)

Quietly Thinking

So, I've been on the quiet side recently. Just posting pictures and I'm sure you know what that means if you've been around following me long enough.

Depression has been visiting again.

I was kind of expecting it, especially when it came time for me to try going back to work. I kid you not, I was in tears as I drove myself to work that first afternoon. Four hours into shift the tears were now because of the pain I was in from being back on that concrete floor and that didn't exactly help the depression either. I thought - I'm right back where I started out at, if not worse. I won't go into the details, but I no longer work for the factory.

Instead, I am waiting for my 401K to be available so that I can pursue a new line of work. Mr. Janney had originally planned on being at my side for it, however, his driving record isn't good enough at the moment so I will have to go to truck driving school on my own. I am not exactly pleased about this, but then...life doesn't always go as planned, does it? A line from Ring of Fire: Does the future never scare you? Yes, all too often.

So yeah, I'm dealing with circumstantial depression hoping it doesn't turn into chemical depression. (Keeps fingers crossed) And honestly, I don't even want to talk about the anxiety at the thought of driving a big rig even brings to me. But that is probably another subject for another day. I've already had my first nightmare about it...driving into the median to avoid hitting vehicles in front of me.

I've still been working on my stories. The Farmer's Daughter is out to a few different people for a read through. I've made the original set of changes to Ring of Fire and have sort of finished my own first read through of the draft...it was a struggle when I reached a certain point, because I'm still struggling with the center where I'm STILL doing too much telling and not enough showing (Curse you Dragon Queen aka Veronica!). I think she scares me almost as much as she does Craig, the male protagonist. So right now, I'm going through Ring again fixing typos and looking for that center fudge to fix.

And yes...I've also been working on Book Three aka Bigger than the Beetles. Right now as I'm typing this post, I have four words documents open (Farmer's, Ring, Beetles, and one for flashback freewriting) And four internet tabs open (blogger, Youtube playing music - Mumford and Sons at present) Facebook, and one random tab for googling stuff - like hair colors, and drug interactions. Which - if you ever want some eye candy, google black men with hazel eyes...oh my...)

Wordless Wednesday 08-08-18

Wordless Wednesday 08-01-2018

Mr Janney and I waiting on at the pharmacy

Rough week

https://youtu.be/r-2ITitv86A

-Wordless Wednesday 7-25-18

A Survivor!

Well...I have survived my first night back to work.

Probably all I'm willing to say about that! Although, it's that time of year again where I shower before and after work - it's very hot work.

I think I am satisfied with my revision of my second novel and have put it to the side for the moment to work on book three. Once my readers are done with the draft of The Farmer's Daughter, I'll ask them if they want Ring of Fire as well.

Had I been smarter, I'd have my blog posts all written for this week. I did try yesterday, ah...Sunday that is...but my brain wasn't working as well as I'd have liked. But of course, now I'm tired and achy and just wanna write lol

I'll try to pull something interesting out of my hat for later in the week.

Much love!

To ReRead or not to ReRead

So yeah, looked at least weeks posts and I think I've recentered myself.

How I keep track of the timeline while I write...

I suppose technically if you are one of the people who has read the first version of The Farmer's Daughter, you probably wouldn't have to reread the second version when I re-release it. The overall plot is still the same. Boy meets girl...they fight their feelings for each other...love wins the day.

However - I would highly recommend it. I'm not sure how to replace the kindle version to get you a new copy of the novel, but if you own a paperback I will send you a new copy free of charge. Just get in contact with me with on Facebook or the email listed here on the blog. (Over to the right) You don't have to wait for the re-release to let me know, feel free to send me your info now so I can have it all planned out.

Some of the changes I made, while 'small' are significant. And the one change at the end is not small and will no doubt continue to give me fits as I work my magic on the sequel. The end result will be worth it. I hope that's not just my wishful thinking and that my faithful readers will agree with me!

I will look into the Kindle e-version part of it, and if I've found any answers before this posts on Friday, I will insert that paragraph here. If you're reading these words, then I haven't found the answer yet! Edit: I will have to ask Amazon to send those with a Kindle Version an update notifying them that there is a new version. They may or may not approve my request and it's not something I can do until I do the re-release. Will keep you updated as I go.

One of the continuance problems I've run into in my novels...is the moon phase. And I only just now noticed that if I've printed off the calendars shown in the picture to the left, I don't have to google what the moon phase was back in the novel's time period because...it's right on the bottom of the calendar!!. I am too funny sometimes!

If you've never read The Farmer's Daughter, I hope you'll decide to buy it when I re-release it. I think it's a worthy entertaining novel.

Until next time, have a great weekend!

Much love!

Wordless Wednesday 7-18-18

Me next to the A/C

One Week Left

The one spot I asked my husband not to weed eat or mow...
cuz....daisies!!

So, for those of you who remember, I've been off work for about three months now. I returned to work in April after my March surgery only to have another problem crop up. 

I've been going to physical therapy for a while, and having been receiving a steroid treatment to the trouble spot. It's not 100% better, but it's well enough to try going back to work next Monday.

Looking forward to getting a paycheck again...being out of the air conditioning and away from my computer - not so much. But still, there are bills to be paid, so until I hit the big time, "day job" it is.

I was told that my specific position was put up for bid since I've been out longer than 90 days, so I'm not even certain what I'll be doing when I go back (no anxiety there!). I'll find out more about that tomorrow.

I've been working my way through my second novel while the first one is out to people to be read. I'm afraid I'm going to have to end up reworking the entire middle section of the book because it feels to me like I'm doing more telling than showing. I will probably wait on doing that until I've worked my way through the novel for the first set of changes.

So I have a week to finish that first going through. I do have One Drive installed on my smartphone, so as long as I have internet on my phone, I'll be able to work on my stories anywhere. It's not my most favorite way to write, but it is better than nothing. I'll go back through my blog posts about Farmer's Daughter, see what I hit and missed on what I wanted to talk about in the first place. I can't believe I pounded out 3 posts last week, all in one sitting. Especially since I'm sitting here now thinking 'wut r words?'

That said, I'm signing off for my Monday blog. Here's hoping to a productive week!

Much love!

Part 3 - Why the Changes?

Why did I change names, (Sara to Maeve, Jannie to Jeannie), personalities (Maude and her mother Pearl have been reversed a bit, Philip's protectiveness of his daughter is more prevalent) and either change or speed up plot points?

Sheesh, where to begin?

I have hated naming my characters ever since the first release of Farmer's Daughter because I was asked if I had used so many family names on purpose. Uhg, no. While I put more thought into some names than others - Angela's names are all symbolic of who she is and what she represents to Craig...including the Hebraic etymology of Carman, although that's something I only just found out (talk about a collective consciousness)...and her name change from Carman to Moore is just as symbolic.

I specifically chose Craig because of the etymology of the name (it means Rock) and not because I have a cousin Craig. I was probably choosing family names, even though I was nearly estranged from my family at the conception of the story and it's early germination because they're names I'm comfortable with. My character Craig certainly doesn't look like my cousin in my head! If you know me well enough, you know exactly who my mind has already cast for his role in my imaginary movie lol

The role of one of Angela's childhood mentors was originally named Sara...If I remember correctly, I struggled a little with it even in the beginning because I have a sister of the same name. I can't even tell you my original motivation for choosing the name aside from the fact I was probably trying to stick with a biblical theme as it was originally meant to be 'Christian fiction'. And I'm stubborn and don't want to admit when I'm wrong. I left the mentor of Irish descent, even though it doesn't fit with the traditional idea of a karate sensei...because I know for a fact it's something which crosses cultural lines. But the name didn't fit with the ancestry, especially if she was Irish enough to have a faded accent. So I cast about on the internet and rechristened her Maeve...more to do with the brief Criminal Minds' character than the etymology of the name.

I renamed Angela's birthmother Janine in nickname only. Jannie felt clunky to me, so I added an E and Jeannie flows off the tongue a whole lot easier. Same with a minor side character never seen and only mentioned...Rena to Trina.

Ah, personality changes. Probably the most notable was the switch between Angela's mother and grandmother. I reread the story and realized it didn't make sense for the grandmother to be more accepting of Angela than her mother was, especially if part of the reason was Maude's own desire for her mother's approval. So I had to make Grandma Pearl, who though she is loved, is a bit judgier than she had been previously. Maude still falls on the judgy side because of this, and because she feels her own early life choices were a mistake (because her mom said so) and doesn't want her own daughter following down the same path...even though for Maude it is the path which led her to her husband Philip...so she's got a bit of her own complex going on too. Don't we all?

Another minor personality change was in the character Kevin. Craig's college roommate and closest friend - he is also a medical doctor specializing in psychiatry (because I'm an armchair psychiatrist lol) who has been aware of his friend's issues the entire time - although he didn't learn of his friend's abuse until their sophomore year and Craig was refusing to sleep after returning from spending spring break at his father's home. There is NO WAY he'd have let Craig continue avoiding his issues as long as he did in the original manuscript...especially after making the two-hour trip to remove a gun from Craig's home to make contemplating suicide harder for him. Kevin's own sister suicided when they were teens, and this event would have scared him even more than Craig's post-spring-break behavior.

I failed to follow through on some of the foreshadowings in Craig's Dragon Dream, so I had to tweak the ending. It wasn't an easy decision, but the more I considered what I had already written, it was already there and I just had to follow through with it. It made Angela's reticence to go home with her husband after waking up from her coma much more believable and understandable. Also, I failed to deliver on the harassment Angela went through prior to the kidnapping...so I gave the phone calls more descriptions...which in some cases called for changes in the scene around them. I also added mentions of items in her apartment being out of place, of it not feeling right to her. I don't focus on it, because at this point in her relationship with her ex-boyfriend, she's accepted the harassment as normal even though it scares her.

Let's be honest, there is a certain level of harassment women take for granted on a daily basis anyway.

But anyways.

Some scenes I simply told from a different person's perspective. The deli manager Becky, or the state trooper Erica. Because I also failed to show the small imaginary town of Tyler's Grove rallying around the budding romance like I said in the book's back cover synopsis.  Not everyone supports them, but enough to make an impact on Craig...who even though he's lived there for a decade, doesn't feel like he belongs. Minor issues, easily fixed.

It feels like the story has a smoother flow now, and even though it's long (lover of epic stories), I don't think it has the drag I felt from my read through. Granted my perspective is different, but I think my readers will end up agreeing with me. I hope so anyway!

Much love!

Who is the Farmer's Daughter, pt 2

One thing I grazed over in my last post is how I changed the name of the series from The Country Music series...but not the book titles. Because as I explained, the storylines aren't the same.

In my novel, the plot revolves around a farmer's daughter and what amounts to an identity crisis. While her love interest Craig is struggling with his sexual identity, Angela Carman is struggling with her identity as a person. She starts out confident enough, knowing exactly who she is...even though she struggles to meet others expectations of her...hence the struggle.

When Angela was four, she almost choked to death on a piece of hot dog her father hadn't cut up enough and had a near-death experience. Complete with Jesus and what looked like heaven to her four-year-old mind.

That vision never left her. Not even during the years which she ran wild after the death of her older brother. Anger and despair became constant companions, and she acted out accordingly. She was too young for what she witnessed and didn't know how to get the help she needed in order to process it. I mean, there is no good age to witness someone being run over by a car.

But during the summer of her seventeenth year, she grew tired of her own behavior. In large part due to the local vet allowing her to help take care of the animals kept at the vet clinic, and the tutelage of her karate instructor who often allowed Angela to take her anger out with her on the mat. Even though she didn't feel like she really needed to, Angela wanted to make changes so she recommitted her life to Christ even though as she tells Craig - I recommitted my life to Christ. It didn’t fix everything, didn’t fix anything really. I never really felt I had strayed from Him, but I wanted to remind myself I guess. My vision from when I was four never went away. I started changing things, dressing more conservatively, not swearing, not dating bad boys. It didn’t change what a lot of people thought of me. Even my own sister thinks I’m a slut, my mom too. But as I was trying to be different, trying to make my mom happy.

Angela was never able to see her parents love for her, specifically her mother's, because she knew she wasn't their biological child. She never confronted them about it, otherwise, she would have learned it was a legal adoption and not the theft she thought it was. She craved their love and approval.

By novel's end, Angela no longer knows who she is. I'm not going to spoil it for you, aside from saying she decides to identify with the farmer who raised her, who eased her panic attacks even if he was injured in the process, who fished her out of the pond when she tried killing herself.

The romantic love story between Craig and Angela is not the only love story I'm telling. I myself will never know what it is to love a child of my own, but as a daughter myself, I know the struggle between parent and child is real. I know what it is like to wonder if I am loved and accepted for who I am, even if that person isn't what they necessarily had in mind.

I'll be honest, fear of my mother's disapproval over my writing has always been my biggest hangup and depression aside, has probably been the biggest cause of the writer's block I've struggled with between books 2 and 3. I need to go someplace dark in my novels, and I can't if I'm afraid my mom is going to scold me for using the F-bomb.

Which, shows up a few more times in The Farmer's Daughter than what it had previously. Because it's the appropriate word for the character to use at the time.

I love my Mom, but she may not want to read any of my books after today because I'm writing the story as it needs to be written. Life is not pretty. People swear, people hate, people do terrible things to each other regardless of how they feel about each other...and sometimes recovery from said terrible things isn't pretty.

I may  be writing a romantic fantasy to illustrate the healing power of love, but I am by no means writing a fairy tale.

Much love to all.