Third Time's the Charm?

Crossing the Mississippi River into St. Louis. No longer in the rig, so I wasn't
in violation of any rules. I got to be a tourist for a few minutes!

If you've been following the drama that is me trying to learn how to drive a rig and team with my husband, then you know I've run into a few issues with finding a good trainer. Friday afternoon I was picked up by my third, and...I'm pretty hopeful about this guy.

For starters, he has thirteen years experience. And he reminds me a little bit of the psychiatrist in charge of me back in '94 - he doesn't understand why I had trouble with the last trainer. The doctor back in '94 outright told me, 'I don't know why you're here.' Calling into question not only the college staff who insisted on my hospitalization and the emergency room admittance personnel. But that's another story and much water under the bridge.

Leaving out many of the details, per orders not to talk too much about it, I just said that my last trainer's biggest complaint about my driving was lane maintenance. He watched me drive for a while, then said he saw no problem with my lane maintenance. Well, he said a few other things that I might talk about another time.

It's an easy enough run that I'll be doing...from the drop yard in St. Louis to the one in Indianapolis and back again. And I'll get to back up twice a day, once in each drop yard. Backing has always been my weakness, and he seemed patient enough the first time. I definitely need to learn to control my speed during the backing up process - even letting the rig go backwards under its own power (no throttle) it still can go too fast. But that's where practice makes perfect.

That moment when you realize
your mom gets you

Depending on how you look at it, I was lucky to get this weekend off. Usually he runs seven days a week. The weekend hours are different, which is going to mess with my head. Well, time is already messing with my head since I'm in a different time zone than usual. Does that mean I'll be time traveling every day???

I'm still giddy that I'm on the other side of the Mississippi River! For many, the Mississippi is a demarcation line similar to the Mason Dixon line...you're not really in the west until you're across the Mississippi.

I'm just across it, but I'm across it just the same. And actually, I'm on the other side of the Missouri River too. My home for the next few weeks is in St. Clair, Missouri. I'll pick my trainer up each morning, go to the drop yard in East St. Louis. I'll get to see the St. Louis Gateway arch at a distance every freakin' day! I'm not sure how long I'll be here, I have just over 200 training hours left. I'm guessing about two weeks. Ish. I hope to be able to get better pictures before I'm out of this area. I did get one of the Gateway Arch from the drop yard (featured below). I'll have to ask my trainer if he minds if I use his car to run out to a nearby park for photos. I don't want to assume anything.

I've always wanted to travel, even if it's always intimidated me a little. While Mr. Janney and I will be limited to what we can do driving a big rig, this is a step in the right direction. I might not always be able to get pictures, but there will definitely be memories made. Hubby's already told me how often he thought of me while he was training: "Yup, if Robin was here, she'd be taking pictures." Mountains and clouds...yeah, I'm a goofball who likes to take pictures of clouds, and my husband knows that. Clouds, the moon, flowers, sunsets...random seed puffs floating in the air. He has pulled over a time or two to indulge my desire to photograph something!

Not the greatest pic of the Arch, but...it's there just the same!

This post is jumping around a little bit, and I apologize. Just proof of how confident and excited I'm feeling at the moment. Another difficulty of being me, I can swing from one extreme to the other with little notice. Although in this case, it happened over the few days it took Mr Janney and I to get to where we needed to be for me to be picked up by my trainer. I will be forever grateful to our company for allowing us to do that and to the trainer for waiting for me. He didn't have to.

The trip west was one of the most relaxing I've had since this journey began. Not just my time with my husband, but even when I was driving the rig. I just had very little anxiety. Even during the heavy traffic we dealt with, because again - my trainer had no problem with my driving through it. He approved of the distance I was keeping, the speed I was going. He helped here and there as needed, shaking his head as I told him the previous criticisms I'd received.

Here's hoping the anxiety stays this low level through the rest of our time together!

Have a good weekend all...and here's a final picture for you.

Sunset as we crossed the Mississippi!

The Difficulties of Being Me

Not feeling like smiling, and don't you dare tell me to!!

Depression is weighing heavily on me today, so much so that I'm not going to publish this post on Sunday because I don't want to bring anyone else down on Mother's Day. I'll let it go live Monday.

So much inside of me wants to call it quits. Not life...the truck driving. Not the actual driving...I like that part. It's just that I have had to deal with so much BS from the two trainers I've been assigned, that I'm seriously questioning my sanity.

Yes, two trainers. And I'm not through training yet, so I'll have to deal with a third.

The first separation was a failure to communicate, on all parties all the way around - myself included. She was giving me the same instruction over and over again in an empty Walmart parking lot and refused to clarify when I asked for clearer instruction - I even gave her examples of what I was looking for. She was most likely just over-tired, but she was not budging on the instructions, so I behaved very passive-aggressively which only made matters worse. It was enough to prompt her to kick me out of the driver's seat and tell me I was done.

Done? Done how? It sounded final. Especially since she didn't let me drive at all the next morning...she didn't even ask me if I wanted to use the restroom before she took off for the day! This was a dedicated route which meant I had weekends off, and once I was deposited in the hotel I called the student department. I was advised to take the weekend to de-stress and think things over, to try and work it out with the trainer on Monday. Which I did. But somebody somewhere, I'm not sure who, decided to end the assignment and I found myself back at the Allentown Terminal on Tuesday.

Maybe she had talked to someone as well? Don't know, it's over and done. There was no point in asking anyone higher up to change their minds, because she had already been assigned a new student before I was ever told my assignment with her had ended.

I waited in the hotel/Terminal for almost two weeks before I was assigned a new trainer. It's hard for this company to get female drivers trained because there are more of us waiting to be trained than there are qualified trainers. Not every female trainer is willing to train another female, and not all male trainers have done the necessary steps to be a co-ed trainer.

It happened very fast. I didn't even get the notification in my app, she just called me. Ever doubtful, I called the Terminal and verified it with them. They explained the situation and I packed my crap together as quickly as possible. Even though I sent much back home with my sister, I still have 'too much' stuff - it's not my fault that I have to cart around a C-Pap machine and medicines and pillows and...I can't weed anything else out!

Anyway, it started out pleasant enough. There were a few red flags, but presented with the opportunity to be through training in two weeks I decided to "grin and bear it". I will not go into everything that happened, but I'm 99% certain I was gaslighted. I know I'm not perfect and can get snappy when I'm tired, but I had every right to react the way I did to the things she did to me the last day with her as my trainer...not counting the trip back to the Terminal, which held its own set of psychological abuse.

Hoping this wasn't all for nothing...

I am blessed with a good support system, but I am so far removed from them all that I feel isolated and abandoned. Even knowing that I am neither of those things. My husband is encouraging and supportive, as is my mother. One of the men responsible for my training at the school we attended continues to be a calm voice in my present turmoil, even though he's no longer required to be.

The last I talked with my husband, when he called me just after midnight to get tech support for wi-fi at the truck stop he was at, he was in Indiana. In actual time, it's been perhaps two weeks since I've seen him. In my present emotional state, it feels like a lifetime. We have a normal relationship - we love each other, fight with each other, annoy each other, disappoint each other, and still wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Even when he calls at midnight, waking me from a pretty solid sleep and Iron Man dream, taking his frustrations out on me - he then reminds me why I love him by apologizing and sending me back to bed. This work separation is trying for  both of us and we're ready for it to be over.

I do not know what Monday holds for me at the Terminal, and I'm somewhat dreading it. I've been made out to be the malcontent in this event, and somehow I have to convince them I'm not. That I wasn't. But no matter what, I'll face it like an adult and do my best to go with the flow.

And I'm not going to give up, no matter how I feel right now. I have fought too hard to get this far to give up now. Did I struggle getting my license? Yes, but I learned from every one of those mistakes and didn't make them again. I've been learning new things every step of the way. I'm stronger than the emotions of this moment.

Whatever it takes.

just in case you didn't get the reference... ;)

And We're Off - Sort of

I have started my training for the company...sort of. My trainer is on a dedicated route, and doesn't run on the weekends. Which means I've only been training for like two and a half days (was picked up late Wednesday afternoon and drove back)...and I'm already back in a hotel.

It's just for the weekend. Trainer will be calling my Sunday to let me know when I'll be picked up again (either Sunday night or Monday morning I think.) It'll be a day later next weekend because of the holiday (the store we deliver to will be closed on Sunday). It will make it harder to get my training hours, which is sucky - but on the flip side even after a couple days, I was ready for a break from the top bunk (pictured). Talk about anxiety triggering claustrophobia. I haven't had a true 'attack' but I'll be damned if I can sleep longer than a couple hours at a time.

So I slept late today and am just taking it easy for the moment. Watching Men in Back II and catching up on Clash of Clans and...I might even write later today. I am so much more comfortable in this little hotel room than I was in the one they had us in during Orientation and training. It's like a little apartment, even has a kitchen! A full size fridge and a little stove, even a dishwasher! Not that I'm probably going to use any of it. But it's nice to know that it's there if I wanted to. I might go out to Walmart later today...I need to get some allergy medicine too - my sinuses are killing me.

Training begins in earnest on Monday. I hope. A little nervous about backing in the real world, especially since my trainer has already proven to be a little impatient when it comes to back. I tried at the one store, she ended up getting in and finishing it herself. The store  employees opening the dock doors made her feel rushed I think. Well, next week is a new week. Maybe I'll have to tell her what I told the one instructor at school...just leave me alone and let me figure it out on my own, I'll ask for help if I need it. I know what I have to do, I just sometimes get my angles backwards. It doesn't help that none of the real world situations have looked "text book" but I think I should be able to figure it out...eventually.

I snapped a selfie while I was Off Duty in the passenger seat...

I did make myself proud yesterday on the drive back from Philly. Across the top of a double-deck bridge, and through a tunnel. Two things that I don't like. But I did it, without flinching. I said to my trainer after we were off the bridge, "Is now a good time to say I'm terrified of heights?" She was surprised, said she hadn't been able to tell from how I handled the bridge...and later said she hadn't warned me about the tunnel coming up to see how I would handle that since it made sense to her that if I was afraid of heights I'd also be bothered by the tunnel. It wasn't a surprise, because I had been reading the signs for a while...but I also didn't ask if we'd be going through it because I was afraid the answer was going to be yes! Silly, I know. But she says I handled the tunnel well too. I did the only thing there was to do...just drove on. Focused on the task at hand.

Which is all I can do right now. Focus on learning what I need to so I can become a 'qualified' driver and get teamed with Mr. Janney. One thing at a time!

Until next weekend, be safe out there.

Ready...Set....

Waiting on the GO!

If all goes as planned - which has seldom happened this past year - I should be meeting my company driving trainer late tomorrow afternoon.

I'm excited and nervous all over again.

All over again because the last time I was assigned a trainer, last week, turned out to be a false alarm. Not sure if it was a lack of communication (on others' part, not mine) or just bad timing. Especially since the initial phone number I was given turned out to be a wrong number! Regardless, it's over and done with and I was assigned a new trainer yesterday. And this time the number was the right one!

This trainer sounds as nice as the first one, so I'm optimistic again. It's hard forming an opinion of someone based on how they sound on the phone. Honestly, she sounds like a little old granny to me, so I think she sounds nice.

Isn't she adorable?

I've been trying to keep myself busy as I've been waiting. We aren't allowed to check out of the hotel, so I'm feeling the miles between me and my doggy right now. I know she's being taken good care of, I get the occasional picture, but it's hard when I hear reports of her not eating well. There's nothing I can do for her except get through my training as soon as I can without cheating myself out of learning time.

My trainer runs a dedicated route, so I won't be getting out of the east coast. Which kind of bums me, but once I can join Mr. Janney on his truck that will change so there's that much. If I understood my trainer correctly, I'll probably be in a motel room at least one day a week on the weekend. It is what it is. As long as I get trained correctly.

To keep myself entertained while I wait, I've read two books and watched a lot of Ion and USA when I haven't been doing one thing or another at the Terminal. I've been through the simulator and let me tell you it sucked - the motion of the screens as I pretended to drive around a virtual rig made me dizzy because I wasn't actually moving. I'd rather play GTA any day, and I hate GTA.

I've tried writing on Book 3. It's been hard because I've been battling depression and anxiety over the entire trainer issue from last week. I have made progress, but there has been more than one night I've opened the file only to add one word here and there before calling it good. Of course, right now I've got the excited anxiety going on so I might not be able to write much tonight because I'm too high strung with hope.

Hopefully I'll be able to check in later this weekend. Have a good week all.

Daffodils outside the hotel 

Do - or Do Not...Try, Try again?

Wait - I thought only Sith believed in absolutes?!?!

Not the most catchy of titles I guess, so it may change. We'll see.

I put off posting because I was hoping to post how I had passed my CDL road test and would be starting my training next week. Sadly, I didn't pass.

Again.

This is failure number four. I keep making different mistakes, so there's that much I guess. It's not like I'm not learning from them. And I no longer know if the failings are justified or if the examiner is being too picky like my teacher claim. Even my husband has suggested that the examiner is just looking for a reason to fail me because of my gender. I mean, how can I impede traffic on a double lane when my tractor is only just breaking the white line?

Because that's what failed me this time. I was demonstrating the emergency stop and failed to put my shifting splitter down so that when I tried moving again, my gear was too high and I stalled my rig. And because that front corner had begun to breach the lane, I was "impeding traffic" which is an automatic failure. Even though I was reentering a double lane highway, and there was nothing approaching in my lane anyway - otherwise I wouldn't have tried moving) but...I did neglect to double-check my splitter, so ... Mr. Too-Picky or not, it's still my own fault right?

I am really struggling with this. There are so many people who have faith in me, whether it is the teachers who've ridden with me (I've NEVER stalled the rig before...) or my own husband who's waiting for me to pass so I can join him in driving. I'm terrified they're going to lose faith in me.

Mostly because I'm losing faith in myself. Even though I know I can safely drive a rig. I mean, I've done it so many times. For whatever reason, I can't seem to stop messing up during the exam. And I've even tried building a rapport with this examiner - who's tested me three different times now - in hopes that I can stop being nervous with him. I mean, he seems like a nice enough guy. He just wields the pen that determines my job and financial future - so, yeah, no pressure.

Maybe I need to wear my tiara to my next test
to channel my inner goddess? Fans of Lore Olympus
will understand that context best ;)

I know this mood will pass, that I'll dust myself off and try again. No matter what Yoda says - there has to be room for failure when you're learning new things, because like Nick said when he was still a teacher at the school, you learn from your failures. So I'm sitting here at my laptop, the third installment of my series open and ready to be worked on, listening to Imagine Dragons because they always sheer me up. Maybe eating some crappy sugar free chocolate. Thinking about making pot roast.

I haven't heard from the school today, so I'm going to guess they weren't able to squeeze me into the test schedule tomorrow. I knew it would take the planets aligning just right for that to happen, so I'm not too surprised. There's probably more cons than pros about that, I mean every extra day I'm not behind the wheel practicing the skills I've learned allows those skills to get rusty. Which increases my chance of failing once again.

How many failures can my spirit take? I'm already thinking about asking Mr. Janney how upset he'd be if I just call it quits. I'm not going to quit, but the thought is there. What happens if I fail two more times? Do I get another extension for my permit and keep on trying? Do I accept defeat and just ride along as a passenger with him once he's released from training? There are other things I could do to earn money while riding along.

But - for all the people I know who have faith in me, I know there are those who don't think I can do this. And that has always been a catalyst for me. I have to prove them wrong. I've done it at the last three jobs I've worked, and even in the relationship that's lasted over ten years now.

So, as I said, today's mood will pass and I know I'll keep tying. The last I talked with Mr. Janney, he and his trainer were waiting on a load to be finished somewhere outside of Chicago so they could take it to Columbus, Ohio. So far, he has been in Nebraska, Texas, Mississippi, and Wisconsin. And all the states in between! He says they mostly take toll roads, which makes sense.

Alrighty then. I'll wrap up this pity party and start getting back on track. I'll leave you with this delightful Imagine Dragons video:

The Road Goes Ever On and On...

And sometimes there's road construction, detours, and unexplained delays!

Well, the good news first! Mr. Janney has successfully passed his CDL road test. The bad news to that is: I didn't and I have to start the process over! He gets to "Pass Go and collect $200" and I don't! Such is life, I guess.

I am disappointed in myself for failing, because I know this is something I can do. All my instructors at school agree with me. Some of it has been nerves, and some of this last failure is because I was just out of practice driving the big rig. I wasn't able to afford a refresher drive before this last test. Even though I drove part of the way down to the test sight, it just wasn't enough. But part of the reason why we fail is so we can learn from our mistakes.

But I am tickled pink that Mr. Janney has passed! I'm proud of him. This was his idea in the first place, something we'd talked about on and off for a while. We tried a year ago to apply to a truck driving school, but it didn't work out. By then the die was cast because he'd already quit his job. So we fell to Plan B. We'd continue as is until my surgeries were out of the way and try again. One thing led to another which in turn led us to the school we attended together and a job together.

Obviously, we won't be starting at the same time. But we were both talking with the recruiter last night and it won't be a problem. Mr. Janney will be through his training and running solo until I can join him, simple as that. It's not what we had planned, not even for Plan B...but sometimes in life you have to go through the entire alphabet to find what works! You just have to keep trying and not give up.

Easier said than done sometimes, I know. You know I know.

I'm a little anxious, but then I'd have been that way even if I'd passed and we were starting at the same time! I'll just use the late start to my part of the adventure to wind up my editing and reworking of my first two novels and continue to work book three. I know it's been forever for my fans, but it was the decision to make these changes which unlocked my writer's block and enabled me to work on book three again.

Though I can't see what's beyond the curve,
 I know the best thing is to keep on going.

As anxious as I am, I'm also excited. Because even though it's just one of us who's passed, we're still in this together. We're one step closer than we were before. I will take you all on this life's trip as much as possible. It's what I do, and why I have no problem posting about my failure and down times online. You get the good, the bad and everything in-between when I write here. Any silences are when I'm trying to process the bad and the down times...the only thing I can do. I hope you'll all stay with me on this journey.

Until next time, much love.

Grinding Less Gears

Happy Thursday everyone!

One of my hangups what I first drove the big rig on the road was an overdose of anxiety/worry. We've all seen pictures of accidents with tractors and trailers. I know up close what can result because three of my brothers have had accidents with their rigs. So I've been a little paranoid about it. But then I happened across this tweet from Donnie Wahlberg (AKA Danny Reagan on Blue Bloods)

worrying?

there is nothing to worry about.

worries are fearful thoughts of the past or future. neither of which exist in the present moment.

take a beat. take a breath.

then, take a moment to consider all you have to be grateful for in this moment.

you got this. all is well.

— Donnie Wahlberg (@DonnieWahlberg) December 5, 2018

I'm not going to quibble on the differences between anxiety and worry. Because this tweet helped me realize that as long as I'm focusing on the moment while I'm driving the tractor and trailer, then I'm being the safest and that goes a long way!! I can't control other drivers, just myself and as long as I'm controlling my rig, then I have a better chance of being able to react safely to just about anything.

Like I told Mr. Janney the other day - "I've got my Wonder Woman panties on, so I've got this!" I have the heart and spirit of an Amazon Warrior, just not the body! Aside from Avenger's Endgame, the next Wonder Woman movie is probably my most anticipated upcoming movie that just cannot get here fast enough!

Our skills/road test is next Tuesday, and nerves aside I think Mr. Janney and I will do just fine. We have three more 'practices' before then, two on the road and one more for the range to practice our maneuvers.

Until next time - much love and be safe!

Grinding Gears

It's been a while. I feel like I've been grinding gears...I'll begin a blog post, have to save it to walk away and do something else - and then never get back to finishing it! Like this one - I don't remember when I started it...

But I'm finishing it today.

In the middle of November, Mr. Janney and I started Truck Driving School. We had two weeks of intense classroom study - intense because they're trying to shove all this information into us in a short amount of time. Their main goal is to help us pass the road test, so it's really only scratching the surface of everything we'll need to learn. Whichever company we end up driving for will have a 4-6 week training/orientation period to train us in their preferred method for things like paperwork.

what my days off have looked like...

We've both had 4 out of 11 'drives'...Mostly in their range - which is a parking lot that could stand to be a hair bigger when there are two drivers in there each trying to learn the backing maneuvers. Backing up was always my biggest weakness when I was a school bus driver years ago, and it is still my biggest weakness. I can almost hear my old boss saying 'if you have to back up, don't do it - but if you have to, picture me in the mirror scowling at you...'

It is a thousand times different in a combination vehicle because the far end of the trailer goes the opposite direction of your steering wheel. I haven't been able to wrap my head around it completely yet, but each time in the practice yard it gets a little easier. Back at that part tomorrow morning bright and early.

Last night we 'practiced' out on real roads. As my brother said on Facebook, once you're on the road, it isn't practice anymore - it's for real. The first part of the night was 'easy' enough...they have some roads that don't get a lot of travel that form a loop and they kept us on that for about an hour, though they had us switch direction in the middle of that. Then 'well, do you want to get out of here and try some real roads?'

Sure. why not?

I'm not sure exactly where I was, just that I was in Binghamton NY somewhere. The streets seemed sooooo tiny and cramped! The turns even more so. There was one time, I slid into the 'straight' lane...to have people slide into the 'left turn only' lane to pass me!!! I realize the speed limit was 30mph, but with all the traffic lights, there's no way anyone should be doing that speed through that section. Oh well, I was doing as I was supposed to and they were the ones breaking the law and putting our lives in danger.

I don't have a plan yet for how to handle my writing and blogging and the like when I'm on the road as a professional driver. It's going to be something I'm going to have to make up as I go and I hope all my fans will be patient with me as I figure things out. You've all waited so long for a new book, but I promise you that it will be worth the wait.

Going to end now so I can run through the things I need to remember for the pre-trip inspection.

Until next time, much love!