What is in Front of You?

I don't know why I try to take pictures while riding in a vehicle. I mean, it's not even a 50/50 chance of getting a good shot. But I insist on trying anyway.

This photo was taken last Wednesday as we were returning home after all our appointments. I like water pics, and the river was so icy and cold looking, I tried even though I could see the cellphone was having trouble focusing. I thought I had it and pressed the screen, only to have the focus shift at the last second. I almost deleted the picture in frustration, but decided not to. Because I think it's a cool picture anyway. The background is all out of focus, but what is in focus are the water droplets right in front of me.

When my anxiety is high, I can't focus on anything. I can't get my ducks in a row because they're bouncing around like balls in a pinball game. All of them, all at once. It's frustrating, and only makes the anxiety worse.

Since I am unwilling to add one more medication to my long list of meds that I already take, I find myself resorting to other methods to try and corral those bouncing balls. The one thing I've found that is free (wine costs money, you know) is something called Mindful Meditation.

I'm not even sure if I'm doing it 'right', but it's enough to help. All I do, is force myself to focus on what is in front of me. There were times in the past, at previous jobs, where my insides where bouncing around so bad that I had my mind walk myself through the steps of my task at hand. It was enough to get me through the shift and usually the anxiety had passed. Until the next day, but that was probably because I was tired of working in the cold and a lot of the anxiety I was experiencing stemmed from that fact.

I have tried the traditional methods of meditating and praying. I've even tried yoga. Anything that puts me down on the floor, puts me on the same level as my dog and Jaclyn never fails to let me know it. I love her, but the best way she helps me with  my anxiety is to snuggle in my lap...her being in my face is just not as cute. Aside from snuggling with the 8-year-old pup, focusing on the moment and the next thing to do is what I have found to work best for myself. Do you struggle with anxiety? If so, how do you deal with it?

Speaking on 'the next thing to do', since I now have water back (idk if it was frozen or what) the next thing to do is switch the dishes around and do a load. Or take a shower. I'll flip a coin. I've tried taking a shower while the dishwasher runs...it turns out to be very chilly!!

Until next time, leave a comment if you'd like.

(I'm going to send this post over at Broads of a Feather too.)

Adventures in Sleep Apnea

As many of you know, I've been working on getting my Commercial Driver's License. Mr. Janney has already obtained his and starts his new job on Monday. Because I've had difficulties passing my road test, I had to file for an extension. Minor technicalities.

One requirement to even get a CDL permit, is a DOT physical. Because I met enough requirements for sleep apnea, I had/have six months to get tested and if diagnosed with it to get treatment. Once I got our medical coverage reinstated, I was able to get tested fairly quickly. The diagnosis was positive, I have 'mild sleep apnea'. My mother asked if that was like being 'borderline diabetic' to which I answered, 'probably'.

Many of the symptoms I live with could be attributed to my underactive thyroid. But since the sleep study said I have it, if I want to get my CDL then I had to get a C-PAP machine and use it at leat 70% of the time. So, once again, after I got my medical assistance straightened out, I had the new machine pretty quickly. I picked it up yesterday afternoon and began using it last night.

It's going to take some getting used to. It wasn't so much the air being pushed into my nose, but the mask itself. It just felt - funny. I'll give it a few more nights to see if it's something I can get used to or if I need to change masks. Mr. Janney wanted to know how I'd slept...'ok, I guess. I still woke up a few times.  I dreamt a lot...' He just laughed at that. And then laughed harder as I described some of the weirdness I'd dreamt.

sounds a bit Darth Vader-ish

He said he woke up once himself and couldn't get back to sleep because of the noise of either the machine or my breathing. The few times I woke up, it felt like my nose had slipped out of where it was supposed to be because I had air blowing straight up in my eyes.  So tonight when I go to put my astronaut mask on, I'll see if the straps needs tweaking. Like hubby reminded me, I don't want to get it too tight because that'll make the nose bone hurt and who wants that to happen??

The kind lady at Med Depot who set me up with everything, looked at my face to determine mask size - and tilted her head and said, "Everything's perfect." No one has ever looked at my face and said that before! It was a bit of an ego boost, even though it's just for a face mask fitting.

I'm only going to post this here, because my co-blogger on Broads was able to post over there again. If she continues, I will strive to make separate blog posts again. Until I can pass my road test and I head out on the road too...but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

I'm signing off now, because I'm thirsty and need to get back to my edits. Everyone have a great day!

Wordless Wednesday 1-23-19

The Road Goes Ever On and On...

And sometimes there's road construction, detours, and unexplained delays!

Well, the good news first! Mr. Janney has successfully passed his CDL road test. The bad news to that is: I didn't and I have to start the process over! He gets to "Pass Go and collect $200" and I don't! Such is life, I guess.

I am disappointed in myself for failing, because I know this is something I can do. All my instructors at school agree with me. Some of it has been nerves, and some of this last failure is because I was just out of practice driving the big rig. I wasn't able to afford a refresher drive before this last test. Even though I drove part of the way down to the test sight, it just wasn't enough. But part of the reason why we fail is so we can learn from our mistakes.

But I am tickled pink that Mr. Janney has passed! I'm proud of him. This was his idea in the first place, something we'd talked about on and off for a while. We tried a year ago to apply to a truck driving school, but it didn't work out. By then the die was cast because he'd already quit his job. So we fell to Plan B. We'd continue as is until my surgeries were out of the way and try again. One thing led to another which in turn led us to the school we attended together and a job together.

Obviously, we won't be starting at the same time. But we were both talking with the recruiter last night and it won't be a problem. Mr. Janney will be through his training and running solo until I can join him, simple as that. It's not what we had planned, not even for Plan B...but sometimes in life you have to go through the entire alphabet to find what works! You just have to keep trying and not give up.

Easier said than done sometimes, I know. You know I know.

I'm a little anxious, but then I'd have been that way even if I'd passed and we were starting at the same time! I'll just use the late start to my part of the adventure to wind up my editing and reworking of my first two novels and continue to work book three. I know it's been forever for my fans, but it was the decision to make these changes which unlocked my writer's block and enabled me to work on book three again.

Though I can't see what's beyond the curve,
 I know the best thing is to keep on going.

As anxious as I am, I'm also excited. Because even though it's just one of us who's passed, we're still in this together. We're one step closer than we were before. I will take you all on this life's trip as much as possible. It's what I do, and why I have no problem posting about my failure and down times online. You get the good, the bad and everything in-between when I write here. Any silences are when I'm trying to process the bad and the down times...the only thing I can do. I hope you'll all stay with me on this journey.

Until next time, much love.

Here We Are Again

The candle holder says 'Dream'
A gift from my mother.

Here we are again. At the end of a year and at the cusp of a new one. A time to reflect on the past year, and a time to look forward with hope.

We've completed one more circle around that brilliant yellow orb in the sky and what do we have to show for it? A few more pounds, perhaps. Fewer dollars. But life goes on, right?

It most certainly does.

This past year has been a hard one for me emotionally. I gave up on my dreams of having my own children when I had my surgery back in March. While it was medically needed, it was still a hard thing for me to deal with. The finality of it all...coupled with the knowledge that even without the surgery, pregnancy was never going to happen for me...was a bitter pill to swallow. Mr. Janney and I have not ruled out adoption, but if we do it is a someday issue. Most likely we will remain that crazy aunt and uncle.

It has been a year of uncertainty as we struggled with jobs that ended at the 'wrong time' and schooling that didn't start at the 'right time'. But - we still have a roof over our head, and food on the table, so things aren't as bad as they've felt. I mean hey - Thanos snapped his fingers and we didn't disappear, so things can't be that bad, right?

The future is even more uncertain. Mr. Janney and I have our road retest January 3rd (we failed that part a few weeks ago). We're both feeling confident that this time we'll pass. We each failed some of our permit tests the first time around, and then nailed them the second time around. Like I told my 'doppelganger' Robyn at Sage - our timing has been 'off' all year, but it seems to be working out so, hey - there must be a reason. We're just going with the flow at the moment.

So, I've been using the time until then to work on my novels. My final edit of the revised Farmer's Daughter is complete and I just need to implement the corrections. Ring of Fire will be right behind it. Then I can pour everything into Bigger Than the Beetles. And try to decide whether I have enough ideas for a 6th novel in the series based on a dream I had the other night. We'll see. (If I do, it'll be called 'Full Dragon')

Sometimes I worry that I write too long of a story. My word counts come in near to the same length as Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring....yes, I've googled this. At least I am nowhere near the word count of Eye of the World or any of Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time novels...I'm not sure I'd have any kind of fan base if I did that. Well, it's only one person who has complained about the length of the story and it's a person whose opinion I value so it's a bit of a struggle sometimes. On the other hand, I think it would make a great tv series, so there's that much.

I guess, better wrap this up for now. Just checking in with you all to remind you I'm still working at my stories amid life's uncertainty. I hope you've all had a pleasant enough holiday season and that it wraps up without incident next week as the current year blends into the new one.

Stay safe and much love!

Grinding Less Gears

Happy Thursday everyone!

One of my hangups what I first drove the big rig on the road was an overdose of anxiety/worry. We've all seen pictures of accidents with tractors and trailers. I know up close what can result because three of my brothers have had accidents with their rigs. So I've been a little paranoid about it. But then I happened across this tweet from Donnie Wahlberg (AKA Danny Reagan on Blue Bloods)

worrying?

there is nothing to worry about.

worries are fearful thoughts of the past or future. neither of which exist in the present moment.

take a beat. take a breath.

then, take a moment to consider all you have to be grateful for in this moment.

you got this. all is well.

— Donnie Wahlberg (@DonnieWahlberg) December 5, 2018

I'm not going to quibble on the differences between anxiety and worry. Because this tweet helped me realize that as long as I'm focusing on the moment while I'm driving the tractor and trailer, then I'm being the safest and that goes a long way!! I can't control other drivers, just myself and as long as I'm controlling my rig, then I have a better chance of being able to react safely to just about anything.

Like I told Mr. Janney the other day - "I've got my Wonder Woman panties on, so I've got this!" I have the heart and spirit of an Amazon Warrior, just not the body! Aside from Avenger's Endgame, the next Wonder Woman movie is probably my most anticipated upcoming movie that just cannot get here fast enough!

Our skills/road test is next Tuesday, and nerves aside I think Mr. Janney and I will do just fine. We have three more 'practices' before then, two on the road and one more for the range to practice our maneuvers.

Until next time - much love and be safe!

Grinding Gears

It's been a while. I feel like I've been grinding gears...I'll begin a blog post, have to save it to walk away and do something else - and then never get back to finishing it! Like this one - I don't remember when I started it...

But I'm finishing it today.

In the middle of November, Mr. Janney and I started Truck Driving School. We had two weeks of intense classroom study - intense because they're trying to shove all this information into us in a short amount of time. Their main goal is to help us pass the road test, so it's really only scratching the surface of everything we'll need to learn. Whichever company we end up driving for will have a 4-6 week training/orientation period to train us in their preferred method for things like paperwork.

what my days off have looked like...

We've both had 4 out of 11 'drives'...Mostly in their range - which is a parking lot that could stand to be a hair bigger when there are two drivers in there each trying to learn the backing maneuvers. Backing up was always my biggest weakness when I was a school bus driver years ago, and it is still my biggest weakness. I can almost hear my old boss saying 'if you have to back up, don't do it - but if you have to, picture me in the mirror scowling at you...'

It is a thousand times different in a combination vehicle because the far end of the trailer goes the opposite direction of your steering wheel. I haven't been able to wrap my head around it completely yet, but each time in the practice yard it gets a little easier. Back at that part tomorrow morning bright and early.

Last night we 'practiced' out on real roads. As my brother said on Facebook, once you're on the road, it isn't practice anymore - it's for real. The first part of the night was 'easy' enough...they have some roads that don't get a lot of travel that form a loop and they kept us on that for about an hour, though they had us switch direction in the middle of that. Then 'well, do you want to get out of here and try some real roads?'

Sure. why not?

I'm not sure exactly where I was, just that I was in Binghamton NY somewhere. The streets seemed sooooo tiny and cramped! The turns even more so. There was one time, I slid into the 'straight' lane...to have people slide into the 'left turn only' lane to pass me!!! I realize the speed limit was 30mph, but with all the traffic lights, there's no way anyone should be doing that speed through that section. Oh well, I was doing as I was supposed to and they were the ones breaking the law and putting our lives in danger.

I don't have a plan yet for how to handle my writing and blogging and the like when I'm on the road as a professional driver. It's going to be something I'm going to have to make up as I go and I hope all my fans will be patient with me as I figure things out. You've all waited so long for a new book, but I promise you that it will be worth the wait.

Going to end now so I can run through the things I need to remember for the pre-trip inspection.

Until next time, much love!