A Rose By Any Other Name

How much do our names define us?  Anne Shirley, the young heroine of Anne of Green Gables, insisted on being called "Anne with an E".  When assigned to write on the blackboard as punishment, Anne quietly corrected the teachers misspelling of her name by chalking that missing E in.

Of course, Anne also wanted to be called Cordelia, because she thought it was much more romantic than Anne, even with an E.  But would Anne still have been as charming had she been called Cordelia?  I doubt it!

Can the name we write by affect our sales?

Assuredly.  Just ask J.K. Rowling how well she did under her pen name Robert Galbraith before it was revealed who was behind that name!

I was talking with one of my sisters the other night (I have four), and she was sharing her thoughts about my choice to write by my married name.  She feels, and correctly so, that I would receive more local sales had I either written by my maiden name or if I had included it. Because I was tired, I was probably more irate that the subject warranted - partly because I know she's right.  But as I told her, it's a decision I stick by because I chose change my name when I married for a specific reason and I chose to write by that name for a specific reason.

In the long run, I don't believe it will matter.  In the short term, yes - it hurts local sales.  For now.  Because I tend to think in the long term.  I think globally.  To the people in the UK who downloaded my book when it was free on Kindle, they don't know the difference between Robin Slater (maiden name) and Robin Janney.  It's all the same to them.  To the locals who still haven't gotten the news that Robin Slater got married last summer - well, they'll catch up eventually.

So much of the series I am writing is about Identity.  As a woman and as a survivor of trauma or abuse.  We see some of the latter in the male lead, as he struggles to no longer let his painful past rule his life.  We see both in the female lead, Angela Carman.

Who is Angela?  While she never outright asks herself in the novel, the self doubt is there.  In Farmer's Daughter we find a young woman making her way in the world, and struggling somewhat as she does so. Studying to be a veterinarian, and in a very real sense going against her parents' wishes as she adds another job to her schedule in an attempt to save the family farm.  We even see at one point where she is questioning whether or not she really wants to be a veterinarian.  As the story progresses and the tone turns romantic, we see a young woman trying to understand what kind of relationship she has with her boss.  Sometimes it felt like they were friends, other times it felt to her as though she were a thorn in his side.

Towards the end of the novel, we catch further glimpses of Angela's struggle in regards to her family.  Something she never allowed herself to dwell on was the fact that she wasn't a true 'Carman'.  Or so she thought.  Even though she had the same last name, she never felt like she truly belonged because of that conversation she had overheard as a child.  (Kids eavesdrop on their parents all the time)  Imagine her surprise when she learned that she had been legally adopted by her blood uncle and his wife!  She really was part of the family, and didn't know it!

As Angela's life changes throughout the course of the books to come, we get to watch how she chooses to identify herself.  We see how other's perception of her effects how she views herself.  All too often we as women will let other's opinions of us shape out own opinions of ourselves.  The kidnapping that happened near the end of book one shook Angela, badly; and the events that unfolded in the Dream she had while in a coma most definitely affected her identity.  Upon awakening, once she'd regained her voice, she plainly told her new husband, "I need time Craig ... I don't even know who I am anymore ..."

That needed time was short lived, perhaps a month.  And then she was on his doorstep, telling how she was choosing to identify herself.  Not by who had fathered her - but by the man who had raised her.  And as his wife.  But what she felt what was best for her - leaving her hometown - warred with what she knew of him, his love for the store he ran and the small town they lived in.  His choice, of course, was her. Because his story - his struggle for identity - began and ended in his love for her.

When Mr. Janney and I decided to 'tie the knot' - I decided I wanted to change my last name.  Why?  For starters, just because I wanted to.  He'll never say it, but I think he liked my choice - and he did leave it up to me.  He's not the one that would have to do any paperwork, that never seems to end.  It was my way of saying to him and the world that I'd decided to partner up with this man.  Two parts of a whole.  Could I have kept my maiden name and still say the same?  Probably.

But.

This is where some might say I'm being silly.

I was tired of being a Slater.  For reasons that have nothing to do with any of my family members.  I'll always be a part of the Slater clan. Family love never dies, even when you're fighting and want to kill each other.

Even though it's been twenty years since I've ridden the school bus, I still remember.  The hurt is not the same.  I barely think of it, unless I have one of those dreaded back in school dreams we all have.  My family name was made into a slur.  And that feeling stuck with me a long time.  I know many of those kids have repented of the torment they put me and my siblings through, and for that I am grateful.  But I still have not "unlearned" that feeling of not liking my last name.

So I changed it.  It was not the defining reason, not by any stretch, but it was a factor.

And when I decided to publish my novel, I decided that seeing how that was my identity now - that's how I wanted to be known professionally as well.  I will still write poetry under the name R.A. Slater, mostly because I'm just too lazy to go back through my blog and change all those names.  I don't always write poetry, but when I do - I'm very prolific.

Time will tell whether I've made the right choice.  But even if sales never explode, I still know that I made the right choice for me, for where I was at in my life at this time.

Because at the end of the day, it's not about who writes the book, but whether that book is worth reading.  And that's where I think I've got a winner.

The "Missing" Link

Here is the link for my book on Nook.  Presently I'm selling it for $2.50 there, US dollars.  Judging by some of the books I saw there, that's a fair price.

Truthfully, I hate putting a price on my novel.  It's just weird to me.  I mean, there will never be an amount that would accurately match the amount of hours I put into it...ever.  But I want the price to be attractive enough that people will want to buy it.

Because I like people reading my book.  It feels good when they say they like it.  Even my mother liked it..."enough".  I knew it wouldn't be met with rave reviews from her because of the smidgen of language in it, the f-bomb was dropped twice, and there was a little bit of sex in it.  Just a little.  My mother can be a bit of a Puritan sometimes, but to each their own, right?

I love hearing what people's favorite parts were.  One of my favorite scenes in the novel, is the "almost kiss" in the laundry room on Christmas day.  To come so close, and to be rudely interrupted.  Grandma Pearl meant well, but she obviously did not get the family memo stating that Craig and Angela were to be left alone!  In many ways, that moment marks Craig's first breaking point.  He decided at Thanksgiving that he wanted to see where his friendship with Angela would take them, so long as it was slow...but things begin to ramp up without his expectation.  On Christmas he also gets to see the depth of Angela's pain over her brother's death, and it once again puts his own in perspective.

Craig's pain is very real, and in no way does his opinion that Angela's pain is worse than his own pain mean that it actually is.  While it is true that there is always someone who has a worse situation than our own, that in no way diminishes the reality of what we feel and experience.  Many times it's just a matter of perspective.  Many times it's just knowing that we're not the only ones to feel pain and despair.  For so long, Craig only ever saw his own pain.  It consumed him.

But then he saw Angela's.  And knew that he wasn't alone.  While Angela's struggle with her guilt over her brother's death was far from a perfect Christian example (there is no such thing, but we often think there is), it is enough that it gives Craig hope.  Because Angela never stops fighting the despair that so often threatens to consume her; she often ran from it, denied it, but she never stopped fighting.

And I went on a lot longer than I intended!  That happens from time to time.

Hope everyone has had a good Monday!  Here's looking to more snow on Tuesday!

Unproductive Week?

So far it has been an unproductive week for me; at least when it comes to writing.  Mr. Janney has been home sick from work and the first the computer has been turned on this week has been to write this.  It hasn't been wasted time, as any time spent hanging with my hubby is nice!  He usually gets home so late that there is little time in the evening to really enjoy the time.  I'm not sure if I'll get anything other than this blog post written tonight as I am exhausted from another long day at work.

I did spend some time on Sunday working on back story for my series, scenes that will never be published and are solely for my information.  I'm still not sure they're events I want to have happen, but either way the rough draft of my characters' pasts is at least partially written.

Which is important for me at least to know because in a  very real sense, one of the antagonists in my novel Farmer's Daughter is the past.  At the very least, Craig and Angela's different reactions to past events which hampers their lives.

They both withdrew from life.

Craig's reaction to his abuse as a teen closed him off from the female gender, and because he didn't feel safe enough to tell his father it also hindered his relationships with men.  He also turned away from God.  Kevin, his friend from college, is the deepest friendship Craig has.  Craig is seen as aloof, sometimes unfriendly, and moody.  Most people fear his temper, although we don't really see much of that once Angela comes on the scene.  Although it is never said in the novel, it is evident that Craig lives a very scheduled life.  There is some debate as to whether or not Craig is considered kind, and it probably depends on who one talks to.

Like in any town, everyone has their own opinion about everything and everyone, but we'll talk about that on a later day!

Angela's reaction to her brother's accident is varied.  Because she feels responsible, Angela internalizes her emotions.  All her anger from that day, all her guilt and self-loathing.  She manages to live some semblance of a normal life.  She still went to school, graduating and enrolling in college.  She has several close friendships with other females, but because she felt abandoned by her brother and later betrayed by her brother's best friend she holds herself distant from men.  Yet she lives on a knife's edge, because the accident left her with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and just the sound of squealing brakes can send her into a panic attack.

Had these two continued to live in the same town without crossing paths, something Angela worked very hard at, odds are they would never have found the healing they needed.  Don't get me wrong, I believe in the healing power of God and right thinking about ourselves.  But I also believe in the human factor.  Our words, our actions, our love or hate towards another human being can do so much good...or harm.  We are powerful beings and all to often we ignore the powerful influence we can have on other people.

Each and every one of us has a past.  And we've all had heartaches and abuses and bad things happen to us. How we allow those experiences to shape us, is entirely up to us.  Fortunately it's something that can be changed if we come to realize we've made a wrong decision.  If we allow it, our past circumstances can give us the experience needed to help pull someone else out of the same dark hole we came out of.

I think I'm going to wrap it up.  I'd like to write more, but I don't want to go on too long.  And I'm thinking bed is in order soon.  4 AM comes WAY too soon, regardless of what time I go to bed!

Before I go, a question for you.  Have any of you had a chance to read my novel yet?  If not, the Kindle version will be going on sale at 8 AM Saturday morning and will be .99 cents for 72 hours.  :)

A Merry Chase

Well, here we go again.  I'm feeling a little more focused today.  I think problems at my job have been weighing too much on my mind this past week.  It's hard to see my friend hurting and struggling because the 'powers that be' made a really lousy choice in who they promoted, and didn't promote.  I probably shouldn't comment on it, because this is a very public forum and I know they watch social media like hawks for crap like that.  So my apologies for letting it all distract me; I may work it into a post eventually, but not today.

Today, we're going to talk about the romantic chase.

One thing that is commented on a couple times in my novel Farmer's Daughter is how the female lead Angela is hesitant to let Craig know that she likes him beyond friendship.  Her grandmother calls her on it at Christmas, reminding her that 'women are bold these days'.  Craig thinks about her hesitancy after Christmas and their 'almost kiss'; in fact Craig has the thought that he wishes she would just up and say 'Craig, I want to be more than just friends', as it would make it easier for him...and then realizes that in subtle ways, Angela had done exactly that.

She doesn't come right out and tell him, because she is a perceptive woman and realizes that a move like that would set Craig to running.  And she herself is terrified of being 'caught' in a one sided romance.  But once Craig makes up his mind, he pursues Angela with a gentle intent.

Which opens up the door to the entire question of whether that's how it's supposed to be?  Is it up to the guy to do all the asking and pursuing?  I once had a man tell me that a woman has no say in the matter of romance...that it's entirely up to the guy to notice her and then pursue her.  And this was a very proper Christian man, and I'm thinking I'm glad that he shot me down the way he did as I'm not sure I would want to be in that restrictive of a relationship. I mean, really?  As a woman, I have far more power than that!  I can say NO, and then where would Mr. Proper Man be?

It's not how my own relationship with my husband began.  We were both hesitant to pursue a relationship, for reasons different from my characters.  Some were legit (both our previous romantic partners were cheaters!), others were just plain silly...at least in my opinion.  Who cares who had a vehicle and who didn't?  Who really cares that there are ten years between us, me being the older one?  OK, his parents cared and that was a bit of an issue at first.  But we both had jobs, we both liked each other, and we were both adults...so why not see where it could lead?  And neither one of us really made the initial move...a friend/co-worker of ours gave us a good push towards each other.  Five years later, we're still enjoying tormenting each other and making life interesting.

For Craig and Angela though, it was necessary.  One thing I've learned from my many years as a single woman watching others relationships is: Every relationship is different and can't be approached like it's going to fall in line with a set of man-made rules.  That and you can't judge someone else's romantic relationship or marriage unless you're a part of it somehow and that too is a subject for a different day...indeed, Book Two.  In many ways, Craig was emasculated as a teen; indeed, it was his abuser's intent.  Predators go after the weakest member of the herd, and that's what Craig's abuser did.  And she wanted him to stay that way, so she could always have that power over him.

Angela figures out early on that Craig doesn't like to be touched.  She doesn't understand why, but almost every time she inadvertently touches him, he withdraws physically and even emotionally.  It causes more than a few hiccups in their relationship.  But that doesn't mean she never shows any initiative.  While Craig starts spending time with her at work on his own, to the point where he even asks her to come in on her nights off, she's the one who asks him to help her with her new karate class and she's the one who invites him to Thanksgiving dinner, an invitation which causes Craig to face his attraction and feelings for her in the face.  In many ways, Craig does the chasing, but Angela's the one that does the leading.

And it was indeed a merry chase.

At least that's what people have told me.  Well, my mother told me that there were times she wanted to reach into the book and smack the two with a two-by-four.  High praise indeed.

Body Image and Angela Carman

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Last weekend I was engaged in a rather heated discussion with a man on a friend's Facebook post over body size and beauty.  He was insistent that a large woman wasn't beautiful or sexually appealing and that the men who thought so were somehow twisted.  Being a large woman myself, which is something you can't really tell from my profile pic, I insisted that it doesn't matter what size we are, we're beautiful.  Fat chicks need love too!

Which brought me to my female lead character in my novel, Farmer's Daughter.  Angela Carman is regarded as beautiful by nearly everyone in the novel.  She is between 5'7" and 5'8", slim and physically fit (which makes sense since she has a black belt in karate).  Why did I do this?  Did I fall prey to the media need to have a physically appealing female lead?  Am I as guilty as the man I was arguing with about what physical beauty is?

Uncomfortable thoughts.  Granted, I made Angela to be what I myself want to be.  What I am in my head.  It may be that my own discomfort with my own body makes me hesitant to try to write an obese character.  So often, I am unable to see my own beauty, just like Angela.  Angela's own body image will become more of an issue in later novels.  Does she have an eating disorder?  Will she ever believe herself to be the Angel that Craig calls her?

And how will Craig handle her issues?  Will he become frustrated?  Will he always be patient?  My own husband gets a little frustrated with me, because I don't always believe him when he calls me "Cutie" and "Gorgeous".  Am I really beautiful to him?  Or is he just trying to make me feel better?  Although I had not met my husband when I first began to write the character of Craig, I was better able to fine tune his relationship with Angela after I had some of my own experiences.  His acceptance of me will probably seep into Craig's character.

Time will of course tell, as we only see the merest blush of what their future together holds in this first novel.  I'm excited as I explore this world that has opened up to me, and can't wait to share all the nooks and crannies of it with everyone.  And as I become more comfortable with who I am, physically and spiritually, the more interesting their lives will be I think.

Because Angela's beauty, as with my own and your own, is far more than just what is on the outside.  She is a strong woman facing the weakest part of her, facing the darkness inside of her and battling demons she's been afraid of for far too long...and by doing so, she gives others the courage to do the same.

#robinjanney #farmersdaughterrobinjanney #bodyimage #truebeauty #courage

pic from http://www.hdwallpaperstop.com/mirrors-edge-2-wallpapers/