It's Time to Bare ALL

Black on black....

What a week I had last week! Monday was pretty laid back.  We didn't work, which was good since I didn't get home from a trip to New York State until 11 the night before.  So I hung out with my husband and helped him with the project his boss had him working on - painting a 20 foot trailer.

It was a good day; I've always liked working with my husband.

However, it will probably be the last Monday I'll have free in a while, as work seems to be picking up.  At least, that's what we're being told at the moment.  I've seen things change pretty quickly before.  Like the day the daily minutes declared that we seemed to be approaching our busy season...and it wasn't long after that we were having our Monday's "blackened".  We've worked a few on and off the past few weeks, but this approaching Monday will see all departments back to work.  While I hope it lasts, I could do without the 9 and 1/2 hour days!  It's a killer on the feet!  And the hands...and the back...You get the idea.

Wednesday, I had finally had enough of the pain in my foot that Advil won't even touch, and I stopped by a local Wine and Spirits shop and picked up a bottle of my beloved Red Cat wine.  But before I indulged in a glass, hoping to dull the pain, I decided I had had enough with my hair.

Three summers ago, my husband (this was pre-marriage actually) got tired of my complaining about my long hair.  It used to be past my shoulders, although I've now forgotten how long it was that first time.  He asked me if I really wanted to follow through with my threats to just shave it all off.  With his electric razor in his hand.  I hemmed and hawed...and he very subtly dared me to do it by suggesting I was a coward.

This is a beautiful woman...

And why wouldn't I be afraid to?  After all, a woman is meant to have long hair right? The bible says so.  And I have family members who very devotedly follow those verses - while ignoring Apostle Paul's clause at the end saying that neither he nor the church has any such custom/requirement.  I knew that I would be judged, from every corner of my existence.  Except maybe from my husband.  And since I don't like being called a chicken any more than Marty McFly, I let him take my hair off.  Almost to the scalp.

I can't begin to describe what a liberating event that was, and continues to be since I have done it every summer since.  I learned just how vain I was and am.  I'll be honest - I look really goofy with no hair.  But I love it.

For some reason, "Because I want to." is never a good enough explanation for people. I'm not sure why.  Why do I need a detailed list of the reasons why I do this?  Why isn't my desire to do so enough?

True, I have a list:

• I like how it feels.  My head feels so light and the cool spring air feels absolutely delicious against my almost bare skin.  I do have to take care that I don't burn, so I tend to keep it covered when I'm outside, or at work (work is a lot colder than the outside)
• I save time.  Both when showering and afterwards.  I can wash what little hair I have in a jiffy.  And I don't have to style it.  Not that I ever style it for work, but when I go out I would try to make sure the back curled just so and the sides were resting just so.
• I save money.  I buy one bottle of shampoo a year.  I only started using conditioner again this past winter after I colored my hair and thought it felt dry.  Should I continue conditioning after I get some growth back, it'll probably just be a bottle a year for that as well.
• It's a lot easier to wet my head in the summer than if I had more hair.  Just a quick splash and I'm so much cooler.
• I like how it feels when my husband runs his hand over my head.  Granted, I just like his touch in general, and it makes no difference whether I have hair or not.  But it's still one of my reasons.
• It's also easier to wear a hair net and hard hat at work.  No strands of hair falling out, a hard hat that fits better.

But "Because I want to" ought to be a good enough reason.

I've been thinking about this on and off all weekend.  In fact, my husband and I discussed it on Saturday as we were out and about.  And I'm going to be honest.  All the flack I've gotten in the past is worth this feeling.  I haven't gotten too much this year, as it's no longer shocking to people.  Many people have accepted it's that time of year and Robin's going to shave her head.  What they say behind my back is between them and their conscience.

Happy

I am lucky to have a husband who cares more about who I am as a person than what I look like physically.  Apparently he's had a few conversations himself with others over my hair, and has defended my choice.  It makes me happy, he says, and that makes him happy.  Many women are not so lucky.  Men who want their women to 'look like women' regardless over their own desire to buzz their hair off (I wonder what happens should those women lose their hair due to age or illness??).  It is just hair, and it will grow back.

This distresses me to a degree, because as the girl I overheard in Walmart said, deep in conversation with her friend over a comment regarding how she wore her hair on recent occasion: "It's my hair, I'll wear it how I want."  I have nothing against a woman looking nice, having long hair and so forth, if it's something she wants.  I like looking nice, but I prefer being comfortable.  Every woman should be able to wear their hair as they like.

And I think I still look feminine, regardless of my hairstyle. Those who mistake me for a man are seeing through eyes jaded with cultural mores.  Or rather outdated customs as our society is ever evolving and struggling into a more equal society.  If a man can have long hair, why can't a woman have short hair - or no hair - if that is her choice.  It's not about gender or sexual identity, it's about choice and what their preference is.

Granted, I don't pull off the look as well as Sinead O'Conner ever did, but I can live with that.  I still look like me, and more to the point - no matter what I look like, I'm still the same person.  Cute, adorable, and lovable.  Smart, sassy, and independent.

My hair doesn't define me any more than my weight does.



2014 ~ Liberation

What's Good for the Goose

What's good for the goose, is good for the gander, right?  If I'm going to look at my writing and my descriptions of my female characters in Farmer's Daughter, then I have to be honest and take a look at the male characters.

Do I have to????

I think this is an area that I really kind of fall short in.  I really skimp on describing my male characters, even worse than the women.  There's just not that much there.  The Carman's are all noted as having auburn hair, the matriarch Maude being described as just having dark hair.  There is no other description of Philip that I can think of off the top of my head other than he has brawny arms.  Which makes sense if you consider that he's an active farmer.

Craig, the male lead and Angela's romantic interest, is taller than her though I never specify by how much beyond stating that she swims in his clothes.  Brown hair, brown eyes.  She thinks he's handsome; several of the female characters share that opinion.  One can conclude that he's physically fit given that he actively maintains his black belt in karate.  In my head, given my mood on any given day he bears a striking resemblance to either a young Stephen Caffrey (The sole reason why I watched Tour of Duty) or Chris Pine (my current Hollywood favorite).

Everett Crane is described as being tall and slim with red hair and green eyes with wrinkles around them.  And he likes to wear suits.  A lot.  The typical dress code for the mob, right?  It's commented later in the novel that he's older than Philip.  A similar comment is made about Doctor Evans looking a great deal older than Philip.

Is my lack of description good or is it a failing?  I'm not sure at this point.  At least the very least I highlight what I think is "important" when looking at a man.  My husband's eyes were the deal clincher for me, back when I first noticed him and just had a 'crush'...I took one look into those hazel-green eyes and thought, "Oh my God, you've got to be kidding me!"  I've been hooked ever since.

The one character who receives negative descriptions would be Harry Flynn, one of the minor male antagonist.  He's referred to as greasy, not just shorter than Craig (because we see him early on having to look up) but also smaller than him.  In my initial re-scan of our first meeting of Harry Flynn, I could find no reference to his hair color or his eye color.  He's also referred to as weaselly, though it's far more a commentary to his character than any physical appearance.

Even though I don't think it detracts from the story at all, and allows the reader to use their own imagination as to the minor details of the characters appearances, I may have to work on this for the next book in the series, Ring Of Fire.


For those of you who celebrate Halloween, have a happy and safe one!

And Then There's Maggie

In my previous post, I mentioned being uncomfortable writing an overweight character because of my own body weight issues.  This is only part true, but may very well be part of the reason why I keep forgetting about Maggie Witherspoon (no relation to Reese).

She seems to be a relatively minor character in my novel Farmer's Daughter, but she's far more important than might be suspected.  Mentioned through the novel at several different spots, usually in connection to her red sports car, we don't actually meet her until almost three quarters of the way through.  It is a short scene, and we are left with the impression of a large woman uncomfortable in her own body.  She hides her plump curves with baggy cargo pants and large t-shirts.

I portray her this way on purpose, because I want her to remain a mystery.  No one pays attention to the fat chicks in life.  Even when she's mentioned in connection to the kidnapping scene, I want people to wonder about Maggie.  How is it that this plump awkward woman is capable of moving in such a confident manner  Who is she really?  At the end of the novel, we're aware that Angela goes to see her, but the reader remains clueless as to what the two women discussed.  Book two will illuminate us more on the true nature of Maggie's part in the story, but I will then plunge us back into darkness.

Not because fat women are supposed to remain in the background.  How often did I get that impression while I attended church?  Women in general are meant to serve in the background...quietly doing their chores, making coffee and tending to the dinners.  Fat women even more so.  Sometimes I am amazed that I was allowed to be on the dance team during its peak...after all, no one wants to see a fat woman dancing, even in worship.  Maybe especially during worship, if you consider the fact that a few times I was asked to take my dancing self to the back of the sanctuary where no one could see.

I keep Maggie in the background, because when the truth about her quiet work comes out people will be astounded that a large woman could pull it off.  Hopefully not in the veiled contemptuous way I was complimented for dancing with the group.  "You're so much more graceful than I expected."  Unsaid is: for a fat woman.  But I always heard it.  Hopefully the readers will be more appreciative than that.

Maggie is beautiful in part because she works in the background out of love.  A friendship with Angela was forged in those few short scenes, although they may never have the chance to explore that friendship.  And her love for Angela compels her to break rules, go deep undercover in rough situations, and even put her own romance on hold.  I keep us in the dark about Maggie, because that's her nature.  It has more to do with her character than her looks.  And like any beautiful woman, she uses her looks to disarm people.  Instead of wowing people and distracting them, Maggie makes herself invisible.

All to often I myself have felt forced to remain in the background.  Maggie chooses to do so.  We all get to choose, which image we present to the world to see.  And sometimes, we chose to surprise people when we allow ourselves to shine.  Will Maggie ever allow herself to shine?  Or will she insist on remaining invisible?  Time will tell.

Shine on.

Body Image and Angela Carman

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Last weekend I was engaged in a rather heated discussion with a man on a friend's Facebook post over body size and beauty.  He was insistent that a large woman wasn't beautiful or sexually appealing and that the men who thought so were somehow twisted.  Being a large woman myself, which is something you can't really tell from my profile pic, I insisted that it doesn't matter what size we are, we're beautiful.  Fat chicks need love too!

Which brought me to my female lead character in my novel, Farmer's Daughter.  Angela Carman is regarded as beautiful by nearly everyone in the novel.  She is between 5'7" and 5'8", slim and physically fit (which makes sense since she has a black belt in karate).  Why did I do this?  Did I fall prey to the media need to have a physically appealing female lead?  Am I as guilty as the man I was arguing with about what physical beauty is?

Uncomfortable thoughts.  Granted, I made Angela to be what I myself want to be.  What I am in my head.  It may be that my own discomfort with my own body makes me hesitant to try to write an obese character.  So often, I am unable to see my own beauty, just like Angela.  Angela's own body image will become more of an issue in later novels.  Does she have an eating disorder?  Will she ever believe herself to be the Angel that Craig calls her?

And how will Craig handle her issues?  Will he become frustrated?  Will he always be patient?  My own husband gets a little frustrated with me, because I don't always believe him when he calls me "Cutie" and "Gorgeous".  Am I really beautiful to him?  Or is he just trying to make me feel better?  Although I had not met my husband when I first began to write the character of Craig, I was better able to fine tune his relationship with Angela after I had some of my own experiences.  His acceptance of me will probably seep into Craig's character.

Time will of course tell, as we only see the merest blush of what their future together holds in this first novel.  I'm excited as I explore this world that has opened up to me, and can't wait to share all the nooks and crannies of it with everyone.  And as I become more comfortable with who I am, physically and spiritually, the more interesting their lives will be I think.

Because Angela's beauty, as with my own and your own, is far more than just what is on the outside.  She is a strong woman facing the weakest part of her, facing the darkness inside of her and battling demons she's been afraid of for far too long...and by doing so, she gives others the courage to do the same.

#robinjanney #farmersdaughterrobinjanney #bodyimage #truebeauty #courage

pic from http://www.hdwallpaperstop.com/mirrors-edge-2-wallpapers/