Stuck in Neutral

I feel stuck in neutral.

Unable to move forward

Pressing down on the gas pedal does no good...

And why should it? I'm running on empty.

I am draped in darkness.

Wrapped in blinding light.

Feeling my way blindly either way.

I feel shrouded in a cloud.

A cold, damp cloud. A heavy, humid cloud.

Pressed to the ground, unable to breathe.

Though I am surrounded by beauty

My heart feels withered, dry and brittle

Comforted by nothing.

Though I am surrounded by love,

Friends and Family and Man's best friend,

I feel bereft of love. Empty and hollow.

Though I wonder how I can feel anything at all, numb as I am.

Apathy and anger coexist, though I do not know how.

Tomorrow brings another day, bright with hope and possibilities,

But already I want to sleep it away.

Released Again!

Once again, I impulsively hit "publish" without a second thought.

For the EBook version of the Farmer's Daughter use this link: EBook

If you a physical copy in the form of a paperback, this is the link you need: Paperback

I love the new cover design I bought from B Rose Designz She does most excellent work and I am having so much trouble deciding which cover to purchase for Ring of Fire.

Right now, Mr Janney and I are sitting in Wyoming waiting for the wind to die down. It's a little too high for our load to handle.

Back to working on Bigger than the Beetles!

"Six Days on the Road"

Actually, Mr. Janney and I are typically on the road for more than six days at a time.

Sorry for the months of silence. I've been trying to adjust to life on the road as a true team driver. My third trainer was indeed the one who was the one who say me to the end of training. He was patient, even when I know he was getting frustrated with my backing. But I gained confidence with him and tested out early. And because Mr. Janney was in the right place at the right time, I tested out in the morning and was on his truck by that afternoon.

At a TA in Washington somewhere

And since then we've been trying to find out rhythm as team drivers. Some weeks are better than others. We've been sitting at a truck stop in Oklahoma City for a couple days now doing a reset and getting some much needed rest. It's a long haul across the Rockies, loaded or empty, and I do not envy the pioneers who took those mountain passes with covered wagons. Beautiful vistas, beyond doubt.

It took me quite a while to figure out how to continue my writing career out here on the road. It's not practical to get the laptop out after every shift. In the beginning, most days I just wanted a bite to eat and bed. But then, after a trip home, I decided to bring along my old Surface tablet. And it works. I'm able to access my files thanks to One Drive and can do everything on it that I can do on the laptop. I still have the laptop along for days like today, when we're just sitting and relaxing.

With my tablet, I was able to finish my edits and formatting on my rebooted Farmer's Daughter. I did have a few minutes of panic today when I switched from the tablet to the laptop...because the One Drive file wasn't showing ANY of the changes I'd made. I was almost in tears. Even Mr. Janney was concerned. "Did you save it before you switched?" Yes, oh yes I did! But at his advice I returned to the tablet to search for it there...took me some time because for some reason that file wasn't showing the changes either. And then I had a message saying that there were changes that needed to be uploaded to One Drive and did I want to do that? I hit that Yes button quick!

Not sure why it did that, but my changes were saved after all. I think maybe I lost service in the few minutes it was saving the first time. Sooooo, relieved!

does not represent actual books.

I probably could have uploaded the file right from the tablet, but I had to get the laptop out anyway so I could do the paperback cover file properly (it wasn't downloading on the phone). I decided that if this novel was worth 'rebooting' with a few plot changes and new formatting, then it deserved a professional cover. Nothing wrong with the daisy one I made. I just came across a cool cover made by brosedesignz that I felt represented the storyline and characters better. I think she'll be getting more of my money because I'm going to want the series to mesh cover-wise and she's great at what she does!

And, I did hit publish. I'll share the links when Amazon makes them available and I'll try to write here more often too. Hard on the phone, but I'll try on the table, something I haven't done yet.

So, where to now? Job-wise, I have no idea. Writing, I'll hop back to writing book three (Bigger than the Beetles) and editing two (The Ring of Fire).

For those who have read the first version of book one, if you have the Ebook and have your Kindle set up for automatic updates, the book should automatically do so. I'll let you know when it should do so and if it doesn't update for you, we'll see what we can do. If you have the paperback and would like a new copy free of charge, contact me and I'll make sure you get a new one. If you want an autographed one, it'll take a little longer but we'll make it happen.

If you decide not to read the reboot, there will be a section in the third novel detailing the changes I've made in the first two books. My goals are to have both two and three released before the end of the year, lofty goals to be sure but I have to have something to aim for! Realistically, it'll probably just be Ring's reboot released in a couple months - I still have editing and formatting to do there (I learned how to do Drop Cases at the beginning of my chapters and it looks a bit more professional now). Beetles, if I'm lucky, a spring release. But I'm still going to hope for end of the year.

Well, I'm done here. Going to drop another picture from my travels and get back to writing and editing.

I see these yellow flowers everywhere out here in the western US
I'm not sure what they are, but they are one of the little things
That make this job worth it

Third Time's the Charm?

Crossing the Mississippi River into St. Louis. No longer in the rig, so I wasn't
in violation of any rules. I got to be a tourist for a few minutes!

If you've been following the drama that is me trying to learn how to drive a rig and team with my husband, then you know I've run into a few issues with finding a good trainer. Friday afternoon I was picked up by my third, and...I'm pretty hopeful about this guy.

For starters, he has thirteen years experience. And he reminds me a little bit of the psychiatrist in charge of me back in '94 - he doesn't understand why I had trouble with the last trainer. The doctor back in '94 outright told me, 'I don't know why you're here.' Calling into question not only the college staff who insisted on my hospitalization and the emergency room admittance personnel. But that's another story and much water under the bridge.

Leaving out many of the details, per orders not to talk too much about it, I just said that my last trainer's biggest complaint about my driving was lane maintenance. He watched me drive for a while, then said he saw no problem with my lane maintenance. Well, he said a few other things that I might talk about another time.

It's an easy enough run that I'll be doing...from the drop yard in St. Louis to the one in Indianapolis and back again. And I'll get to back up twice a day, once in each drop yard. Backing has always been my weakness, and he seemed patient enough the first time. I definitely need to learn to control my speed during the backing up process - even letting the rig go backwards under its own power (no throttle) it still can go too fast. But that's where practice makes perfect.

That moment when you realize
your mom gets you

Depending on how you look at it, I was lucky to get this weekend off. Usually he runs seven days a week. The weekend hours are different, which is going to mess with my head. Well, time is already messing with my head since I'm in a different time zone than usual. Does that mean I'll be time traveling every day???

I'm still giddy that I'm on the other side of the Mississippi River! For many, the Mississippi is a demarcation line similar to the Mason Dixon line...you're not really in the west until you're across the Mississippi.

I'm just across it, but I'm across it just the same. And actually, I'm on the other side of the Missouri River too. My home for the next few weeks is in St. Clair, Missouri. I'll pick my trainer up each morning, go to the drop yard in East St. Louis. I'll get to see the St. Louis Gateway arch at a distance every freakin' day! I'm not sure how long I'll be here, I have just over 200 training hours left. I'm guessing about two weeks. Ish. I hope to be able to get better pictures before I'm out of this area. I did get one of the Gateway Arch from the drop yard (featured below). I'll have to ask my trainer if he minds if I use his car to run out to a nearby park for photos. I don't want to assume anything.

I've always wanted to travel, even if it's always intimidated me a little. While Mr. Janney and I will be limited to what we can do driving a big rig, this is a step in the right direction. I might not always be able to get pictures, but there will definitely be memories made. Hubby's already told me how often he thought of me while he was training: "Yup, if Robin was here, she'd be taking pictures." Mountains and clouds...yeah, I'm a goofball who likes to take pictures of clouds, and my husband knows that. Clouds, the moon, flowers, sunsets...random seed puffs floating in the air. He has pulled over a time or two to indulge my desire to photograph something!

Not the greatest pic of the Arch, but...it's there just the same!

This post is jumping around a little bit, and I apologize. Just proof of how confident and excited I'm feeling at the moment. Another difficulty of being me, I can swing from one extreme to the other with little notice. Although in this case, it happened over the few days it took Mr Janney and I to get to where we needed to be for me to be picked up by my trainer. I will be forever grateful to our company for allowing us to do that and to the trainer for waiting for me. He didn't have to.

The trip west was one of the most relaxing I've had since this journey began. Not just my time with my husband, but even when I was driving the rig. I just had very little anxiety. Even during the heavy traffic we dealt with, because again - my trainer had no problem with my driving through it. He approved of the distance I was keeping, the speed I was going. He helped here and there as needed, shaking his head as I told him the previous criticisms I'd received.

Here's hoping the anxiety stays this low level through the rest of our time together!

Have a good weekend all...and here's a final picture for you.

Sunset as we crossed the Mississippi!

The Difficulties of Being Me

Not feeling like smiling, and don't you dare tell me to!!

Depression is weighing heavily on me today, so much so that I'm not going to publish this post on Sunday because I don't want to bring anyone else down on Mother's Day. I'll let it go live Monday.

So much inside of me wants to call it quits. Not life...the truck driving. Not the actual driving...I like that part. It's just that I have had to deal with so much BS from the two trainers I've been assigned, that I'm seriously questioning my sanity.

Yes, two trainers. And I'm not through training yet, so I'll have to deal with a third.

The first separation was a failure to communicate, on all parties all the way around - myself included. She was giving me the same instruction over and over again in an empty Walmart parking lot and refused to clarify when I asked for clearer instruction - I even gave her examples of what I was looking for. She was most likely just over-tired, but she was not budging on the instructions, so I behaved very passive-aggressively which only made matters worse. It was enough to prompt her to kick me out of the driver's seat and tell me I was done.

Done? Done how? It sounded final. Especially since she didn't let me drive at all the next morning...she didn't even ask me if I wanted to use the restroom before she took off for the day! This was a dedicated route which meant I had weekends off, and once I was deposited in the hotel I called the student department. I was advised to take the weekend to de-stress and think things over, to try and work it out with the trainer on Monday. Which I did. But somebody somewhere, I'm not sure who, decided to end the assignment and I found myself back at the Allentown Terminal on Tuesday.

Maybe she had talked to someone as well? Don't know, it's over and done. There was no point in asking anyone higher up to change their minds, because she had already been assigned a new student before I was ever told my assignment with her had ended.

I waited in the hotel/Terminal for almost two weeks before I was assigned a new trainer. It's hard for this company to get female drivers trained because there are more of us waiting to be trained than there are qualified trainers. Not every female trainer is willing to train another female, and not all male trainers have done the necessary steps to be a co-ed trainer.

It happened very fast. I didn't even get the notification in my app, she just called me. Ever doubtful, I called the Terminal and verified it with them. They explained the situation and I packed my crap together as quickly as possible. Even though I sent much back home with my sister, I still have 'too much' stuff - it's not my fault that I have to cart around a C-Pap machine and medicines and pillows and...I can't weed anything else out!

Anyway, it started out pleasant enough. There were a few red flags, but presented with the opportunity to be through training in two weeks I decided to "grin and bear it". I will not go into everything that happened, but I'm 99% certain I was gaslighted. I know I'm not perfect and can get snappy when I'm tired, but I had every right to react the way I did to the things she did to me the last day with her as my trainer...not counting the trip back to the Terminal, which held its own set of psychological abuse.

Hoping this wasn't all for nothing...

I am blessed with a good support system, but I am so far removed from them all that I feel isolated and abandoned. Even knowing that I am neither of those things. My husband is encouraging and supportive, as is my mother. One of the men responsible for my training at the school we attended continues to be a calm voice in my present turmoil, even though he's no longer required to be.

The last I talked with my husband, when he called me just after midnight to get tech support for wi-fi at the truck stop he was at, he was in Indiana. In actual time, it's been perhaps two weeks since I've seen him. In my present emotional state, it feels like a lifetime. We have a normal relationship - we love each other, fight with each other, annoy each other, disappoint each other, and still wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Even when he calls at midnight, waking me from a pretty solid sleep and Iron Man dream, taking his frustrations out on me - he then reminds me why I love him by apologizing and sending me back to bed. This work separation is trying for  both of us and we're ready for it to be over.

I do not know what Monday holds for me at the Terminal, and I'm somewhat dreading it. I've been made out to be the malcontent in this event, and somehow I have to convince them I'm not. That I wasn't. But no matter what, I'll face it like an adult and do my best to go with the flow.

And I'm not going to give up, no matter how I feel right now. I have fought too hard to get this far to give up now. Did I struggle getting my license? Yes, but I learned from every one of those mistakes and didn't make them again. I've been learning new things every step of the way. I'm stronger than the emotions of this moment.

Whatever it takes.

just in case you didn't get the reference... ;)

Hurry Up and Wait

It doesn't matter what job I've work at, "Hurry up and wait..." has been a recurring theme.

Rush to meet the deadline of one kind or another, only to stand around waiting for the other shoe to drop - for the last page of the newspaper to arrive, for the cow line to get moving again, for the rush order cabinet door to be made and put through the final process of sanding. And now, we 'rush' to get the deliveries made on time all week while I try to learn the ins and outs of real life trucking, only to find myself twiddling my thumbs on the weekends.

Hela vs the Valkyries needs to be a movie of its own...

You'd think I'd welcome this "free time". I could use it to write or read. Work on either Bigger than the Beetles, the third book in my series, or on a blog post. Even blog ahead if I was smart. Instead, I sit here at my laptop binge watching old episodes of Deep Space 9. Okay, I also watched Ant-Man and the Wasp as well as Thor Ragnarok (the best Thor movie and in the top 5 for the Marvel movies in general in my opinion). Right now I have A Solo Story lined up to watch next, once I'm done cooking. But then I'll go back to Deep Space 9...although the more I watch the Harry Potter movie on the tv, the more I'm tempted to just keep watching that! It's early yet and I won't be going back to work until sometime tomorrow, so maybe I'll manage all of it!

I'm struggling with depression this weekend, with a smattering of anxiety. Some of it stems from the bit of the squabble I had with my trainer shortly before week's end. Some of it stems from being in a strange place all by myself. Granted, I'm in the same nice hotel I was last weekend, so it's not as strange as it was. I managed to go to Walmart today without panicking, and that's always a plus. I have 232 training hours left before I can join my husband and we can bring our dog along, thus reducing my anxiety and depression, and it seems unbearably long at this moment.

missing my girl :(

I did put in a call to the company's Student department, and we're going to see if we can fix the schism between me and my trainer. There was so little communication between she and I on Friday, that I don't know whether it can be fixed. It all boils down to poor communication in the first place. We shall see.

Just one more hiccup in this journey we call life. I know that I'll get through this and come out for the better. No doubt I'll use it for the characters in my stories. I just need to get through the worse part of this momentary bout the blues before I can channel it into their angst. I hate this part of my depression - I can never write when I'm in this certain spot. Pisses me off because writing makes me happy. I've never understood this quirk.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful day, whether you're celebrating Easter or Passover or neither.

And We're Off - Sort of

I have started my training for the company...sort of. My trainer is on a dedicated route, and doesn't run on the weekends. Which means I've only been training for like two and a half days (was picked up late Wednesday afternoon and drove back)...and I'm already back in a hotel.

It's just for the weekend. Trainer will be calling my Sunday to let me know when I'll be picked up again (either Sunday night or Monday morning I think.) It'll be a day later next weekend because of the holiday (the store we deliver to will be closed on Sunday). It will make it harder to get my training hours, which is sucky - but on the flip side even after a couple days, I was ready for a break from the top bunk (pictured). Talk about anxiety triggering claustrophobia. I haven't had a true 'attack' but I'll be damned if I can sleep longer than a couple hours at a time.

So I slept late today and am just taking it easy for the moment. Watching Men in Back II and catching up on Clash of Clans and...I might even write later today. I am so much more comfortable in this little hotel room than I was in the one they had us in during Orientation and training. It's like a little apartment, even has a kitchen! A full size fridge and a little stove, even a dishwasher! Not that I'm probably going to use any of it. But it's nice to know that it's there if I wanted to. I might go out to Walmart later today...I need to get some allergy medicine too - my sinuses are killing me.

Training begins in earnest on Monday. I hope. A little nervous about backing in the real world, especially since my trainer has already proven to be a little impatient when it comes to back. I tried at the one store, she ended up getting in and finishing it herself. The store  employees opening the dock doors made her feel rushed I think. Well, next week is a new week. Maybe I'll have to tell her what I told the one instructor at school...just leave me alone and let me figure it out on my own, I'll ask for help if I need it. I know what I have to do, I just sometimes get my angles backwards. It doesn't help that none of the real world situations have looked "text book" but I think I should be able to figure it out...eventually.

I snapped a selfie while I was Off Duty in the passenger seat...

I did make myself proud yesterday on the drive back from Philly. Across the top of a double-deck bridge, and through a tunnel. Two things that I don't like. But I did it, without flinching. I said to my trainer after we were off the bridge, "Is now a good time to say I'm terrified of heights?" She was surprised, said she hadn't been able to tell from how I handled the bridge...and later said she hadn't warned me about the tunnel coming up to see how I would handle that since it made sense to her that if I was afraid of heights I'd also be bothered by the tunnel. It wasn't a surprise, because I had been reading the signs for a while...but I also didn't ask if we'd be going through it because I was afraid the answer was going to be yes! Silly, I know. But she says I handled the tunnel well too. I did the only thing there was to do...just drove on. Focused on the task at hand.

Which is all I can do right now. Focus on learning what I need to so I can become a 'qualified' driver and get teamed with Mr. Janney. One thing at a time!

Until next weekend, be safe out there.

Ready...Set....

Waiting on the GO!

If all goes as planned - which has seldom happened this past year - I should be meeting my company driving trainer late tomorrow afternoon.

I'm excited and nervous all over again.

All over again because the last time I was assigned a trainer, last week, turned out to be a false alarm. Not sure if it was a lack of communication (on others' part, not mine) or just bad timing. Especially since the initial phone number I was given turned out to be a wrong number! Regardless, it's over and done with and I was assigned a new trainer yesterday. And this time the number was the right one!

This trainer sounds as nice as the first one, so I'm optimistic again. It's hard forming an opinion of someone based on how they sound on the phone. Honestly, she sounds like a little old granny to me, so I think she sounds nice.

Isn't she adorable?

I've been trying to keep myself busy as I've been waiting. We aren't allowed to check out of the hotel, so I'm feeling the miles between me and my doggy right now. I know she's being taken good care of, I get the occasional picture, but it's hard when I hear reports of her not eating well. There's nothing I can do for her except get through my training as soon as I can without cheating myself out of learning time.

My trainer runs a dedicated route, so I won't be getting out of the east coast. Which kind of bums me, but once I can join Mr. Janney on his truck that will change so there's that much. If I understood my trainer correctly, I'll probably be in a motel room at least one day a week on the weekend. It is what it is. As long as I get trained correctly.

To keep myself entertained while I wait, I've read two books and watched a lot of Ion and USA when I haven't been doing one thing or another at the Terminal. I've been through the simulator and let me tell you it sucked - the motion of the screens as I pretended to drive around a virtual rig made me dizzy because I wasn't actually moving. I'd rather play GTA any day, and I hate GTA.

I've tried writing on Book 3. It's been hard because I've been battling depression and anxiety over the entire trainer issue from last week. I have made progress, but there has been more than one night I've opened the file only to add one word here and there before calling it good. Of course, right now I've got the excited anxiety going on so I might not be able to write much tonight because I'm too high strung with hope.

Hopefully I'll be able to check in later this weekend. Have a good week all.

Daffodils outside the hotel 

The Latest Update

Finally able to buzz my hair!

I think one of the hardest things about writing blog posts is coming up with a good enough title. I'd rather title a poem or a book. Those are almost easier...a few words to sum up a whole novel or poem theme. Blog titles need to be catchy and there's nothing catchy about 'The Latest Update' but that's exactly what this is!

So, I made it through orientation. My blood sugar behaved well enough to be passable that first day for the physical. I'm not sure why it hopped up from 105 to 170 after breakfast, especially since all I had was coffee and cheesy eggs...AND I even remembered to take my meds that morning! I don't know, but I've had much better readings than what I had during the first part of the month, so the changes I've made are working and I need to keep with them.

They are letting me try again even though my A1C (the 3 month average test) was on the too high side - up to an 8.5!! And they're giving me 3 months to bring it down to 7.9 or better. If I keep eating the way I am - low carb - and do my best to stay active even during training (which may prove difficult, but we'll see), bringing that number down will be the easy part. KEEPING it that way will be the harder part.

Especially since Mr. Janney doesn't have the same dietary restrictions I do. It's very hard to watch him eat something like mashed potatoes when it's something I should stay away from. He is very supportive though and I know that once we're in our own rig as a team, things will be a tad easier.

Speaking of which, it's to the right. I have ridden in it, and it's a smooth enough ride even though Mr. Janney is far from impressed with it. But it is new and still needs to be broken in so maybe it'll get better.

Mr. Janney was in the general neighborhood when I began my orientation this week and he was able to get a load even closer so he could take a few days to visit with me. It was so nice! The last we'd seen each other was on Valentine's weekend when I drove out to Michigan to visit him while his trainer was on vacation. We were only able to get a room one night, so the other night we had to sleep in his rig if we wanted to be together. That was fun, since the bed is technically only meant for one person, but we managed.

So here I sit in the hotel room, waiting for a trainer to become available. I have to report in to the terminal every morning during the week until I'm assigned a trainer and can take off with them. If I stick with my desire to have a female trainer, I may be here for a while. It's not an easy decision to make, because I'm going to feel weird even with a female so I can't imagine how awkward it would be with a male. Especially if whichever trainer I end up with sticks me in the top bunk, as is their right. I climbed up into the top bunks of 'our' rig, just to see if I could do it. It's not pretty, just like my 90 degree backing maneuver, but I can do it.

I get paid either way, so there's that much. I either take walks on the treadmill, or around the hotel building. There is a shuttle van available, between here and the terminal and other places like Walmart and the laundromat (tomorrow's agenda). I spent most of yesterday trying to fix my smartphone. Not sure what changed all of a sudden, but I was getting pop ads outside of apps. Not cool. I can't be having that happen when I'm out on the road because the phone is needed to do the job. I tried restarting the phone, deleting apps, restarting again. Then I decided to do a factory reset, and things were okay for a while...but then they started happening again.

So when one was playing, I saw an Info button and I hit it to see what I'd get. One of the options was 'Why am I seeing this ad?' DO TELL! So yeah, the answer was - "Facebook". Really? So I disabled the app on my phone...the closest I could get to uninstalling it. And haven't had an ad pop up since.

Doing what I do best - waiting!

Look Facebook, I have no problems with ads when I'm on Facebook. But as soon as I close that app - the ads should stop!! I can't be having random videos playing telling me I'll lose my reward if I shut it down while I'm trying to do business and math, because dammit - math is hard enough!

Rant over. I'll probably finish my even either by working on book three or reading or binge watching 'Blue Bloods'...or, knowing me, all three. With the A/C on because it was in the 70's today and my room is still a little warm! My roommate already got her trainer, so I have the room to myself, for the time being. It'll probably change tomorrow or as soon as another female employee gets a trainer.

Stay safe everyone! I'll do my best to check in once in a while.

Waiting and More Waiting

Well, I shouldn't be surprised. Very few things have gone 'as planned' in my life for over a year now, why should it start now?

I began my Orientation as planned, and was sent home in the middle of it for a doctor's note and a blood test. All because I had half a slice of french toast with my breakfast which was enough to drive my blood sugar over the limit for the physical - if they'd warned me they were going to prick my finger, I'd have skipped breakfast all together and given them a fasting reading!

So, the very next day I was put on a bus and found myself back home.

I have had my blood drawn. My A1C reading is higher than what it was a few months ago, but still within the legal limits for a Professional Driver. The A1C reading gives you the average blood sugar reading for the last three months. I don't know how that works, just that it does. And I also received the medical release from my primary doctor. My doctors have all been behind this plan from the beginning.

The papers were faxed Monday afternoon, and I was told to call on Wednesday if I hadn't heard anything. Which I did. And was told they never received the fax!! So I took pictures with my cellphone and emailed them to my recruiter. She's been great, trying to help me get through this. I gave her the information she needed today...but I called back a little while ago only to find out I'm STILL in review.

She enjoys having me back home! lol

If there's a cosmic reason for this, I would love to know what it is!!

In other news, Mr. Janney has finished his training and is being dropped off by his trainer sometime tonight. Somewhere out in Ohio. Probably at a hotel. Hopefully he won't have to wait for too long to be assigned a truck.

Also in other news, as I was heading out for my daily walk yesterday, another piece of book three fell into place and I've been pecking away at that. So I guess this waiting time isn't a complete loss.

The Post You've Been Waiting For

A pic that isn't a selfie!! 

So, if you haven't heard yet, I finally passed my CDL road test. I just pretended that the examiner was my phone GPS, which I talk to all the time anyway. It couldn't have been a nice day in terms of weather and road conditions, which was kind of amazing since it stormed the night before.

And now the waiting is over...or just beginning depending on how you look at it.

Tomorrow is my first day of Orientation, followed by a second. And then, I'll have to wait to be assigned a trainer and then for the trainer to pick me up from the hotel here in Allentown. So far, between Mr. Janney's and my new roommate's experiences, it should be about a week. Ish.

And then we'll be running the roads. Going by their experiences, it'll be about 6 weeks after that before I'll be considered trained enough to join my husband in our rig.

The irony in my current location for orientation, is that this town is where I tried going to college many moons ago. Just one bump in the road back then, but I think it's all worked out for the best. I'm probably about a fifteen minute drive from the college, but I don't think I'll give it a visit. It wasn't a wasted experience by any means, even if I didn't complete a degree. Came out with some pretty awesome friends.

I am excited and nervous about this new start. So much so I had trouble sleeping last night! I don't think I'll have too much trouble with that tonight. I'm exhausted. (I say that now lol)

Mr. Janney is enjoying himself as he goes through his own training, so we're both pretty optimistic that this venture is going to be successful. He's presently in Texas headed to L.A. before heading back to Pittsburgh. It'll be quite the temperature change.

For now, I'm going to sign off and think about winding down for the night. Maybe write a few sentences in my story.

Stay safe everyone/

Waiting on the Weather

That blue dot is me! lol

Remember those days in our youth when snow days were fun? We didn't have to get up early, or if we did we got to go back to bed. Either way, we didn't have to go to school and we got to play in knee deep snow. (we have pictures of me as a young teen with snow above my knees - somewhere)

It's not so much fun when you're an adult and your road tests depends on the weather. As of right now my next retest is scheduled for 11 tomorrow morning...and there is a wintry storm beginning even as I type this. I've emailed briefly with the school's directer and he's told me all the variables that he's taking into consideration regarding tomorrow's test. Right now, it's a waiting game.

Judging from the radar and what they're predicting, I think the odds of my test being rescheduled are on the high side. On one hand, I want us all to be safe - and if DOT shuts the roads down or imposes a Commercial Vehicle ban it'll be out of our hands anyway. On the other hand, I had a pretty good road drive yesterday with more good shifts and turns than bad. AND I'm still overflowing with confidence because of my solo road trip to Michigan and back again.

Mr. Janney had a few days off because his trainer did, and because the trainer lives in Michigan and is taking his days off there, that's where hubby's days off are. Over 500 miles one way and I did it all by myself.

I know that might sound strange from someone who is working on getting her CDL and becoming an over the road trucker. No doubt some of my troubles passing my road test stems from a lack of self confidence. I've always had a lack of confidence in myself, and this trip was a definite boost in that area. I was somewhat familiar with the first leg of the journey as it's the same way we took to visit my cousins in Indiana a few years ago. And 86 through NY is almost desolate for large stretches of the highway. It got interesting when the highways took me through Cleveland, Toledo, and Detroit. I just turned my music off so I could concentrate on the traffic and road signs, which my map GPS usually warned me about with enough advanced warning to move to the left or the right.

Which is when I got an idea on how to overcome my nerves with the road test examiner. I decided I was just going to pretend he's my GPS. I talk to her all the time traveling, saying 'thank you' and 'It would have been nice to know about that a mile ago' even though she's pre-programmed and can't respond. One of the things we have to do during a road test, is to give a hazard commentary. We have to call out hazards we see...or potential hazards. Things like speed limits and bridge heights.

I did run into some mild wintry weather on the way back from Michigan. Snow mixing with sunshine outside and through Cleveland. It was pretty and a  bit mesmerizing to see the high rise buildings through the bright snow. I wish I could have taken a picture of it. But since I was the one driving, I did my best to drink it in. Of course, here at home I can just stick my head out my door and take a picture of the falling snow. Each area has it's own beauty. I enjoy the country as much as the city. Of course, if you know me at all, you know I prefer the beach over both...especially over snow.

On 86, there was more steady snowfall with a bit sticking to the road. Not a lot, but enough I cut my speed. And felt like I was in danger of being hypnotized by the snow. Which was sometimes illuminated by the full moon. Which was even cooler than snow and sunshine. The night almost seemed to glow around me as I drove. I was talking with Mr. Janney on this leg of the trip and it was nice to have that company. I'm so glad we had a large enough tax refund to buy him a cellphone for his job. I know I could have spent that money on needed bills, but he is reaching the part of his training where the cellphone was going to be a necessity.

I'm going to wrap this up now. I have to get on top of the things I need to do today before the day is over and this blog post is my only achievement. It would be so easy to just binge watch Blue Blood reruns, or pop in the latest DVR recording of I Am the Night and just waste the day away, but I'm going to save that delight for later. And I really do have a few chores I need to knock out of the way before I get back to writing Book 3!

You know me, I'll keep everyone updated on the status of the test.

Have a great day everyone! Stay safe!

Do - or Do Not...Try, Try again?

Wait - I thought only Sith believed in absolutes?!?!

Not the most catchy of titles I guess, so it may change. We'll see.

I put off posting because I was hoping to post how I had passed my CDL road test and would be starting my training next week. Sadly, I didn't pass.

Again.

This is failure number four. I keep making different mistakes, so there's that much I guess. It's not like I'm not learning from them. And I no longer know if the failings are justified or if the examiner is being too picky like my teacher claim. Even my husband has suggested that the examiner is just looking for a reason to fail me because of my gender. I mean, how can I impede traffic on a double lane when my tractor is only just breaking the white line?

Because that's what failed me this time. I was demonstrating the emergency stop and failed to put my shifting splitter down so that when I tried moving again, my gear was too high and I stalled my rig. And because that front corner had begun to breach the lane, I was "impeding traffic" which is an automatic failure. Even though I was reentering a double lane highway, and there was nothing approaching in my lane anyway - otherwise I wouldn't have tried moving) but...I did neglect to double-check my splitter, so ... Mr. Too-Picky or not, it's still my own fault right?

I am really struggling with this. There are so many people who have faith in me, whether it is the teachers who've ridden with me (I've NEVER stalled the rig before...) or my own husband who's waiting for me to pass so I can join him in driving. I'm terrified they're going to lose faith in me.

Mostly because I'm losing faith in myself. Even though I know I can safely drive a rig. I mean, I've done it so many times. For whatever reason, I can't seem to stop messing up during the exam. And I've even tried building a rapport with this examiner - who's tested me three different times now - in hopes that I can stop being nervous with him. I mean, he seems like a nice enough guy. He just wields the pen that determines my job and financial future - so, yeah, no pressure.

Maybe I need to wear my tiara to my next test
to channel my inner goddess? Fans of Lore Olympus
will understand that context best ;)

I know this mood will pass, that I'll dust myself off and try again. No matter what Yoda says - there has to be room for failure when you're learning new things, because like Nick said when he was still a teacher at the school, you learn from your failures. So I'm sitting here at my laptop, the third installment of my series open and ready to be worked on, listening to Imagine Dragons because they always sheer me up. Maybe eating some crappy sugar free chocolate. Thinking about making pot roast.

I haven't heard from the school today, so I'm going to guess they weren't able to squeeze me into the test schedule tomorrow. I knew it would take the planets aligning just right for that to happen, so I'm not too surprised. There's probably more cons than pros about that, I mean every extra day I'm not behind the wheel practicing the skills I've learned allows those skills to get rusty. Which increases my chance of failing once again.

How many failures can my spirit take? I'm already thinking about asking Mr. Janney how upset he'd be if I just call it quits. I'm not going to quit, but the thought is there. What happens if I fail two more times? Do I get another extension for my permit and keep on trying? Do I accept defeat and just ride along as a passenger with him once he's released from training? There are other things I could do to earn money while riding along.

But - for all the people I know who have faith in me, I know there are those who don't think I can do this. And that has always been a catalyst for me. I have to prove them wrong. I've done it at the last three jobs I've worked, and even in the relationship that's lasted over ten years now.

So, as I said, today's mood will pass and I know I'll keep tying. The last I talked with Mr. Janney, he and his trainer were waiting on a load to be finished somewhere outside of Chicago so they could take it to Columbus, Ohio. So far, he has been in Nebraska, Texas, Mississippi, and Wisconsin. And all the states in between! He says they mostly take toll roads, which makes sense.

Alrighty then. I'll wrap up this pity party and start getting back on track. I'll leave you with this delightful Imagine Dragons video:

Think Warm Thoughts

So I imagine I'm not the only one feeling the cold right now. I mean, it was -4F when I pulled myself out of bed this morning, after being in the cold for a few hours yesterday trying to thaw frozen pipes. Brrrrrr.....

So rather than dwell on the chill, let's ponder some warmer thoughts.

Like meatloaf. Fresh from my oven.

I didn't do too bad, even though I didn't have any sausage to mix with my ground beef. There were some fried onions in the pantry, so after I put a small fresh onion in it, I also dumped some if the fried...and saved a few for on top. Extra sharp cheddar cheese sliced up and 'stuffed' in the middle, to compliment the cheddar cheese goldfish I crushed up and used since I didn't have saltines. A little barbecue sauce on top and into the oven.

And was it ever good! I may have rushed my first piece a little, since it didn't hold form until I got it on my plate...but mmmmmmmmmmmmm......it didn't matter.

Since I've been struggling with my blood sugar recently (someone keeps forgetting to take her medicine), I didn't make mashed potatoes to go along with it. Or stuffing. Mr. Janney liked his stuffing. I just mixed a couple cans of veggies together and called it good.

Time will tell the damage done from the barbecue sauce. I really shouldn't have anything like that, even ketchup with my fries will wreak havoc on my blood sugar. But I hope I spread it thin enough to dilute it enough.

I just noticed my feet at the bottom of the picture. I don't know why, but that strikes me as funny. I've been in and out of the house so often that I've been leaving my shoes on. Usually I just wear flip flops around the house and slip my big winter boots on to walk the silly doggy.

Okay, back to warm thoughts.

How about a trip down memory lane to one of my beach visits?

Why not?

I love the beach and the ocean. One of my lofty dreams in life is to someday live ocean side. Mr. Janney thinks it's  not a wise choice, because of hurricanes. But since it's just a dream, I can have whatever I want without consequence, right? Something was said one day up to his parents and as silly as I am, I said I was going to raise magical force fields around my beach dwelling and everything would be alright. It was very amusing.

Something about the ocean, and sitting on the beach - or even just looking out of the motel room such as the picture featured - is enough to erase my anxiety. Except for the beach trip that we had the car accident on, but even then - laying back on the beach and looking at the stars while the ocean waves crashed was still enough to unwind the events of the day. But that was a different beach trip. The one the picture comes from is the time Mr. Janney and I took a jaunt down to the southern part of North Carolina for a rust-free gas tank for our car. A brand new one from the dealership would have cost a smooth $900 and we spent about half that to run down for this one. I suppose I could have chosen the tank in the center of the state that was similar in price (but they didn't have pictures and it was still on the car) but I felt that if I was going south for a gas tank, I was going to do it near enough to sleep by the ocean.

Of course, not only do I keep trying to take pictures while riding in a moving vehicle, but I also keep trying to take pictures of the moon on my cellphone. (You'd think Apple and Samsung would do something about that.) But this picture I grabbed that night isn't too bad. The focus really isn't even the moon, but rather the moonlight on the water.

I'll wrap this up now. I don't know if I really feel any warmer, but I feel more optimistic than what I had. Although, that may be the meatloaf talking...

Have a good night/day, and where ever you are, stay safe and warm.