Surgery and Happiness

My first book cover!

A long time ago, a friend asked me when I was going to be publishing my third novel. The same friend who framed my first novel cover and gifted it to me in a frame. I even started a blog post about it like I promised her and never got around to finishing it, so I'm gonna take a stab at it again.

One of the symptoms of depression is a lack of interest in your hobbies and activities that you like. And I have fought depression for as long as I can remember. Even in the midst of happiness, I was often able to feel the nagging low of depression beneath the surface. I have lost jobs because of depression and what would probably be diagnosed as PTSD. I've lost friends, because I wasn't able to keep in touch with them...or they decided that I was just too depressed for them to hang out with me.

And it has kept me from writing. I remember posting a tweet quite a few months ago that I was even so depressed that I didn't even want to read a book...something I think bothered my husband when he learned  that more than it had me. What can I say, I'm used to the depression at this point!

A lot of it was cyclic. I'd be more depressed around my monthly period, I don't know how much of it was hormones or the lack of conception. I'd try to write and nothing would come together, which made me even more bummed out. I'd eat sugary things to feel better...but then be bummed because my weight and blood sugars were going up.

This past year, after numerous doctors appointments that pretty much said, "Sorry, I don't know why you're not getting pregnant because there's nothing wrong with you." I became fed up with that entire part of my life. I changed doctors, and asked for a hysterectomy. This one said yes to it and after approval from my primary care doctor, it was scheduled. At first the doctor was just going to take the uterus, the ovaries he would leave if they looked good, and he'd also take my appendix if it was easy to get to...depending on whether he could do it all laparoscopically or if he had to open me all the way up. The day of the surgery we discussed it and I made the decision for him to take the ovaries no matter what they looked like...because I knew that if they stayed, I would still be stuck with the monthly hormonal flux.

After the surgery I was pleased to learn that he was able to do everything he needed without opening my abdomen up...and that it was a good call about the ovaries because they were a mess. Apparently the thing I'd always wondered for about 20 years was true. I had endometriosis.

Me after the dentist said I had good teeth!

I'm not going to go on a lot about that, as I've provided links if you want to see what it does to the female reproductive system. It is something that can't be diagnosed without looking on the inside. It is the reason why I wasn't ever going to get pregnant.

I was also thrilled to realize that a HUGE chunk of my depression was gone. The weight that had been suffocating me was no longer there. I'm just over 2 months after the surgery and I feel good. That's something I'm not really used to! Aside from the issue with my foot, I feel like I could conquer the world! I'm following the doctor and physical therapists orders, so I'm hoping things will be better with that in a few more weeks. It will help when I can get into the water for swimming, far less stress to the feet to exercise that way! I'm also seeing a nutritionist to help with my diet...I know I could easily google what I need to know, but I want the human connection to help get me (and hubby) started. It helps knowing that I have a food journal that she wants to see...I know I could lie on it, but that would be self defeating and I don't want that. I love that she didn't make me feel ashamed for the junk food on the last one...just 'yeah, you need to fix this.'

There's still a little bit left. It likes to come out after family drama, or financial headaches (it hurts not having both of us working). But that's far more manageable than what I used to go through. I laugh a lot more than I used to.

My new goal for my third novel is before the end of 2018. I have pulled the first novel out and am going to read through it, and then the second, to refresh my memory of the characters and where they've been and where they're going through...an idea I credit Tad Williams with because I recently read where he did exactly that to write a new trilogy for his Osten Ard world. I want to get my Craig and Angela stories done so I can move on to other projects. I have a post-apocalyptic story I want to do and another fantasy series I'd like to get back into.

You don't want to see a before pic!

Another thing that has been holding me back, aside from a crashed laptop (thank you Windows 10), is a cluttered desk. I'm a bit of a clutterbug, something I have been improving on over the years. But yesterday I did a lot of decluttering. I even said to Mr. Janney, 'Now that I've found my desk again, maybe I'll start using it again.' It's not quite organized, but it's a lot better than what it was. I got more done that I thought I would, which is always good!

I'm feeling pretty hopeful about things in general. I worry a little that the depression is going to come back, but I'll deal with that when and if it happens. Because life is too short to waste worrying about what 'might' happen. I'm actually a little excited to see what the future holds for Mr. Janney and I.

Wrapping up so I don't bore any of you! Hope everyone has a great weekend!