A New Year

Well, here we are a whole month into 2018.

It's been a bit of  rough start to the new year for me and mine. My brain is still having some trouble processing it, which honestly might explain the headaches I've been having for over a week now.

My one uncle started it by having a heart attack. Not his first, nor his worst, so it was not too much of a concern.

But then my father-in-law thought he might be having a heart attack and went to the ER. Thankfully it was not a heart attack, although they haven't really given him a diagnosis or explanation as to what he experienced.

The day Mom had an ultrasound on the spot

Followed by my mother having a biopsy on a tiny spot that her mammogram picked up. None of us were surprised with the diagnosis. I think we were almost expecting it. After all, her mother had breast cancer. Her sister has breast cancer. Grandma had it a long time ago, and ended up dying from the disease, long before I was even a twinkle in my father's eye. My aunt has endured it twice, losing both breasts.

Mom has a really good prognosis. The spot is so tiny, that it's considered Stage 0 cancer. And it's non-invasive which is also good news. At this point, she's due to have a 'simple' lumpectomy at Valentine's day. She won't even need chemotherapy.  She did have blood drawn for genetic testing. Her sister's came back negative, which doesn't seem accurate since the cancer reoccurred, so there's a chance that mom's also come back as negative. I'm suspicious about it though, because mom got the rogue gene for diabetes when none in her family has it, but then I do tend to be rather cynical.

That still hasn't stopped the diagnosis from doing a number on my emotions. Depression and anxiety have been tap dancing in my head ever since. I have struggled with every day life since. It took me several hours before my thoughts turned to myself. Technically, the odds of me someday being diagnosed with breast cancer haven't changed...my genes are still the same as they were. But my awareness of them has, even though I haven't talked to a doctor about what my 'new' odds are. I try not to obsess over it. No doubt it's part of a mental illness, part of the depression, part of the obsessive anxiety. Some people don't understand, and I envy them their freedom.

The month ended with my husband losing his job. Even though he pretty much had my permission (not that he would have tried to keep it if I hadn't been approving) and we have a plan I'm confident about, it's added stress I wasn't looking for. Especially since I still have to go there myself. Unless they decide to fire me before my FMLA can be approved. No one has said a negative word about my husband losing his job, not within my hearing anyway. I shouldn't worry about it, but I remember the crap I had to endure after the winter accident that cost him a job at the last workplace we shared. People are stupid heartless bitches sometimes. I'm pretty sure I've been looking like a fire breathing dragon recently though, so maybe people are afraid to talk to me. My headache alone is enough to cause that. O_o

Headache wise, today hasn't been too bad. A bit of a nagging headache, thankfully not the raging one. The raging one makes it so hard to think. And I need to be able to think. Especially at work, where I operate a machine. It's not hard, but I do need to pay attention once in a while.

I worry too much. I know this. As I told my one co-worker who was trying to encourage me one night, that's also a gene I inherited from my mother.I just hope my grey hair ends up looking as pretty as her's and her sister's.

There's more, of course. There's always more. But I don't want to be too much of a downer as I do some internet venting.

Well, all my alarms just went off. Time to go take my thyroid meds. I'll try to get back here more often. Take care everyone.