Why Start Blogging Again?

Especially if all I'm going to do is unload my emotional baggage instead of giving you updates on my writing?

To get my voice working again.

More Venting

 

As I mentioned in my previous post, my health has been giving me some issues this past year. From a knee scope in January just to be told I need to lose weight before I can have a needed total replacement done, to thyroid meds working overtime. I even fell over a month ago and because I didn't want to land on that bad knee, I tried going down on an angle and instead managed to sprain that knee.

I've been diagnosed with IBS. We've been playing with my diabetic meds, some of which play havoc with the digestive system so it's twice as much fun.

The irony of this, is that one of the many reasons I wanted to switch to driving local was to get a handle on my health issues. It is very hard to eat healthy driving over the road; not impossible, but I was not managing well. When there's a constant push to keep the truck moving, fast and easy was the usual go-to. My sugars were running high, and I was gaining weight.

And then I came home and my knee began bothering me, making both issues harder to manage. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. My self talk has gotten horrendous. I can't seem to stop eating, self medicating the depression, so I've begun asking myself if the food is worth my life ... literally asking myself 'Do you want to die?' every time I go for something sweet. It doesn't help.

To be honest, I'm sick of vegetables. I take a baggie of raw veggies along with me when I drive, and by the second or third day - I just can't stand them anymore. And I'm taking veggies I like and/or can tolerate. There have been many weeks that by the end, I'm just carting the baggie around. I'll eat the small bag of snacks I've brought, pita crackers and nuts, and  my protein bar, and that'll be it.

I'm also tired of cooking and meal prep in general. But I'm the only one here that will cook, so If I don't make something, we're gonna go hungry. I have a hard time standing for any length of time, so I make a lot of quick meals that I don't need to stand over the stove for. (looking at you Pampered Chef Quick Cooker) But even that is trying my patience.

I've begun going to the local bariatric center for diet help. But I don't feel like I'm being heard, so I don't know.

For so many reasons I can't go into online, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

A Year Later

Here I am  opening up blogger to try and write a new post finding out that it's been a whole year since I've posted something. Almost to the day!

And as usual, I have no idea what to write. My original idea vanished as soon as I saw the date of my last post because it was like, no I can't just start talking about ... well, anything after all that silence.

I have the same problem with my blog that I do with my YouTube channel ... I'll have all these great ideas in my head, and then as soon as I turn on the camera or the computer, it all goes POOF.

Not sure what my hang-up is, depression mixed with pain probably. Between the arthritis in my knee, my lower back, my shoulder, and my Achilles tendons, I feel like I take a bath in Voltaren gel. An ineffective bath at that.

I take prescription meds for both the depression and the arthritis, but sometimes I feel like they cancel each other out. When the pain doesn't go away, it's hard to feel peppy and motivated and shit like that. Mr. Janney commented yesterday that it looked like I was walking better...and what I should have said out loud was "That doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt, I've just learnt how to compensate."

And that's what it boils down to. Learning how to live with the pain and the depression so that I can remain a functioning adult because life shows no mercy for anyone ... oh wait, it's Cobra Kai that show no mercy ... no, no, I'm sure it's life ... lol

I can't tell if I'm feeling sorry for myself ... or if I'm legit overwhelmed and in need of help. Maybe I just need fully caffeinated coffee. In the summer, I had to go through some hoops to pass my yearly physical for my CDL because the doctor thought my resting heartrate was too fast. Had to go through a battery of tests just to determine that my thyroid meds were doing too good of a job! Better safe than sorry, but one of the things I've tried incorporating in my life to keep my heart rate lower is less caffeine ... and let me tell you, life without caffeine is no joke. When I say that, keep in mind that during my work week my 'get your ass out of bed' alarm goes off at the ungoldy hour of 1:30AM! Even if I've managed to get to bed by 5PM, and asleep before 6, it's still hard as heck to stay awake driving that early.

And yes, I see that spelling error up above and am deliberately leaving it in there. ;)

Okay, enough venting for now. I'm going to publish this, then work on another post for later.